I have to say I have really been learning a lot from my counseling sessions. If any partner is wondering if counseling is worth it - YES! But, make sure you find a counselor that knows what they are doing. Find one that sees your experience as trauma based and not one that blames you for being 'co-dependent'.
Anyway, we had a talk about what a partner needed to see, consistently, to know if their spouse was truly in recovery for porn addiction/sexual addiction or whether they were simply abstaining from porn and sexual acting out. I am not going to post what those three things are since we know porn addicts are very manipulative and some will simply read this post and fake it for their partner. If you would like to know the three things, feel free to send me an PM.
It was very helpful because I saw that my husband had two of the three. It really and truly helped me see where he was in 'recovery'. I still haven't told him what the other was, but I think he is getting close to it. Thankfully he is searching for a new individual therapist and starting a real group therapy program. My therapist is also willing to work with whomever his therapist is to schedule a therapeutic disclosure session and will eventually invite my husband to some of my sessions.
I think one big thing with a lot of us as partners is that our husbands are NOT in recovery, or not fully in recovery. They are, in fact, abstaining from acting out. This is why the connection is still broke, why trust is not being effectively rebuilt, and why we are waiting for the 'other shoe to drop'. They are NOT in true recovery and as a result, it is reasonable to assume that relapse is possible. They are using will power, but will power is weakened if there is stress or trauma. We know they are only one argument or bad day away from relapse and we are uneasy.
It is becoming clear that my emotional turmoil was knowing my husband wasn't quite at recovery, even though he thought he was. He assumed that because he was in counseling (with a counselor that was NOT qualified to deal with sex addiction) and that he had not relapsed (has been almost six months with no relapse) he was fine. He is now coming to terms with the fact that he has a lot more work today. He discovered himself that third element he was missing (even though I did not confirm for him that he was close). He realizes he needs specialized help from people that know what they are doing because he wants true recovery, even if that means long term counseling and managing things for his lifetime.
The 90 day reboot is like getting an emergency inhaler or putting emergency comprehension on a wound. It is absolutely vital to stop the active bleeding. If men never do the 90 day reboot, they will absolutely have little to no chance of recovery. However, trying to live off that emergency treatment is the problem. If you have a deep wound and just put on a bandage - you would will never recover. Whenever the bandage is taken off it will start bleeding again. They have to sit there and hold it and hold it and hold it knowing that it is still bleeding. That is why our partners are so on edge as well - no matter how calm they appear they know they are holding that bandage on for dear life. They know if they remove that bandage (i.e. net nanny or giving us their passwords or only using the computer when someone is in the room) - they will go right back to bleeding (porn, acting out). They have got to go on to do the work of repairing the wound. First by cleaning it out (true, full disclosure), then applying ointment (counseling, dealing the root issues), then sewing it up (real lifestyle change and actively and truly rebuilding the marriage and trust). Like all deep wounds it will leave a scar for life, but at least everyone (you and him) can see that healing is taking place. Right now, in abstinence, we can all see they are not healed. Hopefully each of our partners will see their need for true recovery rather than simply holding an ever soiled rage to a still bleeding wound.
Anyway, we had a talk about what a partner needed to see, consistently, to know if their spouse was truly in recovery for porn addiction/sexual addiction or whether they were simply abstaining from porn and sexual acting out. I am not going to post what those three things are since we know porn addicts are very manipulative and some will simply read this post and fake it for their partner. If you would like to know the three things, feel free to send me an PM.
It was very helpful because I saw that my husband had two of the three. It really and truly helped me see where he was in 'recovery'. I still haven't told him what the other was, but I think he is getting close to it. Thankfully he is searching for a new individual therapist and starting a real group therapy program. My therapist is also willing to work with whomever his therapist is to schedule a therapeutic disclosure session and will eventually invite my husband to some of my sessions.
I think one big thing with a lot of us as partners is that our husbands are NOT in recovery, or not fully in recovery. They are, in fact, abstaining from acting out. This is why the connection is still broke, why trust is not being effectively rebuilt, and why we are waiting for the 'other shoe to drop'. They are NOT in true recovery and as a result, it is reasonable to assume that relapse is possible. They are using will power, but will power is weakened if there is stress or trauma. We know they are only one argument or bad day away from relapse and we are uneasy.
It is becoming clear that my emotional turmoil was knowing my husband wasn't quite at recovery, even though he thought he was. He assumed that because he was in counseling (with a counselor that was NOT qualified to deal with sex addiction) and that he had not relapsed (has been almost six months with no relapse) he was fine. He is now coming to terms with the fact that he has a lot more work today. He discovered himself that third element he was missing (even though I did not confirm for him that he was close). He realizes he needs specialized help from people that know what they are doing because he wants true recovery, even if that means long term counseling and managing things for his lifetime.
The 90 day reboot is like getting an emergency inhaler or putting emergency comprehension on a wound. It is absolutely vital to stop the active bleeding. If men never do the 90 day reboot, they will absolutely have little to no chance of recovery. However, trying to live off that emergency treatment is the problem. If you have a deep wound and just put on a bandage - you would will never recover. Whenever the bandage is taken off it will start bleeding again. They have to sit there and hold it and hold it and hold it knowing that it is still bleeding. That is why our partners are so on edge as well - no matter how calm they appear they know they are holding that bandage on for dear life. They know if they remove that bandage (i.e. net nanny or giving us their passwords or only using the computer when someone is in the room) - they will go right back to bleeding (porn, acting out). They have got to go on to do the work of repairing the wound. First by cleaning it out (true, full disclosure), then applying ointment (counseling, dealing the root issues), then sewing it up (real lifestyle change and actively and truly rebuilding the marriage and trust). Like all deep wounds it will leave a scar for life, but at least everyone (you and him) can see that healing is taking place. Right now, in abstinence, we can all see they are not healed. Hopefully each of our partners will see their need for true recovery rather than simply holding an ever soiled rage to a still bleeding wound.