Journals > Ages 20-29

Need Advice

(1/1)

willpower1111:
Hi guys ;
I've been in this forum for more than 6 months now and this is my first post.I tought I could have done this myself.
First of all let me give some information about myself:
I'm 23 .My childhood was perfect ,i was very sociable ,had many friends,had perfect relationship with my parents.I loved a girl at 6th grade but i never even talked to her.I'dont know why i acted that way.My best friend had a date with her and he invited me  and i went there too while he was dating with her.Never told him that i loved her too.At 7th grade I had an argument with some of the popular guys in class and they attacked me in front of everybody.I didn't hit puberty at that time so I was smaller then the avarage.After that I was excluded from the class  or at least i felt that way.That was my biggest trauma that I can remember.After that I started to hang out with the nerds in the class ,with that I started playing online games and by the way at that time everyone had porn videos at their phones and some guys were watching them at school.At the summer of the 8th grade we moved to a new neighbourhood and there i had many nice friend .I still see some of them.At that summer I had a girlfriend.She was beautiful and we liked each other very much.But it I broke up with her after 3 months because I  developed an extreme gaming habit at that time.I was playing mmorpg for up to 8 hours a day and after I broke up with her I discovered that I can masturbate to p rather than just watching it.So my first O was a PMO.I played mmorpg 8 hours a day for 1-2 years.My grades were a mess and after 1-2 years my father decided to removed all the pc's at home.He only had his pc and it was hidden at somewhere in the house.He was hiding it because I was shearching it everywhere all day.I was extremely depressed at that time.I wasn't interested in real life I was missing my friends at the game.
At that depressing time I have already developed a Pmo addiction and it was one of my best strategies to beat boredom.My mother was concerned so she found a guitar  teacher for me.Then I started playing guitar after some time it became my new obsession in life.I can say than I like to live in extremes.I was practicing guitar everyday and seemed to forgot about the mmorpg.But even that I hadn't got a pc I made cds full of p videos.By the way I never paid for p in my life.I was pretty happy at that time thanks  to my new hobby.
But I started drinking heavily 2 times a week at avarage.I had a second girlfriend,she was very kind and cute.We tried to have sex but we couldn't because I had ed.We tried maybe 5-6 times ,hours of making out but no go.But I didn't realised  I had ed .I didn't even think about the incident.Then I broke up with her after 3 months.I was 17 when I had my first ed issues.When I first pmoed I was 13-14 i guess.
 After breaking up with her I started studying for university exams and that became my new obsession.I did nothing else but studying for 2 years .I didn't even talked to my friends.Pmo addiction became very extreme(2x daily pmos at avarage) at that time and I escalated to more disturbing types of porn.At university I had a friend group that we smoked pot together but they stopped seeing me too .That was a big trauma too.I became very bad at socializing at that time because of the 2 year period of isolation.My grades were very bad and still the same.
 Ididn't had a clue about my p addiction and I started to watch david deangelos dating dvd s.They helped me alot actually they changed my life.He s not a pua like other people.He gives you the big picture he teaches you the mindset and the persuit of knowledge.
Thanks to Davide deangelo I started reading books and watching dvds.I know read 1 book a week.I became aware of many things.
I mainly enjoy to read evalutionary psychology , business/economy ,and self-help.
I study philosophy at university but I was avoiding studying for the  exams because it was too stressfull for me(actually it was due to avoidance ,the stress was gradually increasing).Im now taking classes with students 3 years younger than me.
At the first year of the university I started playing games again.the addiction  found the old pathways very quickly and I started playing 8 hours a day.
 I was using drugs and alcohol and going out to clubs and flirting with girls.(I wasn't aware of my p addiction at that time )Shortly I discovered that I have severe PIED while trying to have sex with a girl .and I was concerned about my p use.So I googled "porn addiction" and I find YBOP.Ihad all the symptoms Gary Wilson described .That was 6 months ago.
I had a 22 days and a 32 days streak.I am at avarage  %65 clean for 6 months .But when I relapse I pmo like 10 time in 3 days with chaser effect.At my best streak I stopped using pc ,I even blocked my browser in my iphone.But at that approach when I see an open pc I can't resist the urge.
I studied CBT and realised that my biggest source of anxiety and stress is my grades .I was constantly avoiding exams and classes and trying the  overcome the stress by alcohol pmo and drugs.
Now I dont have a PC at home that I own.A huge succes for me since I was playing games 8 hours a day until recently.Lowered my alcohol intake to maximum once a week and im drinking muck less.Going to sleep at 10 12 pm like normal people thats also a huge succes because I was going to sleep at 6 am and waking up at 3 pm.Reading books daily and studying to exams (I wasn't even going to school).But I couldn't stopped using P.By the way I was a proffessional swimmerfor 6 years I stopped going to the trainings at 8th grade becouse of my gaming habit.
 My biggest problem is I had a big trauma when I was failed to have sex with the girl that I picked up at a club.Now I m having many potential gfs in school .But I am avoiding them even if they are attracted to me.Iam avoiding them because of that I know I have ed and I am certain that I won't be able to have sex.So I afraid that they will tell their girlfriends about my ed.
I also need something like a support group.I dont live in US so I dont have access to any support groups.Something like a whatsapp group would be perfect for me that I can get help at  difficult times.
Thanks for reading.waiting for your advice.

VforVictory:
Well, it looks like you should definitely join the reboot army before PIED ruins your life even further.
While on reboot, you should try to tackle your other addictions as well.

School is stressful, but using PMO to run away from stress will only reinforce your addiction
You gotta find other things that can relieve your stress,
and in order to feel excited about anything other than porn, you gotta reboot and re-sensitize your brain.
You'll most probably feel like sh*t during reboot, but sacrificing ~3 months to upgrade your life is a good bargain.

In regards to your need for a support group,
you just happened to step into one of the best anti-porn community out there.
This forum is active with people going through the same problems as you,
all desperately willing to change and support each other.

So why don't you start your reboot journey now?

Best wishes to you.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

Go to full version