My Life On Porn

Hi you guys!

My name is Gene & I?m currently going through PIED at the age of 20. I think my first experience with porn was around the age of 8-10. My dad use to watch it HEAVILY when I was younger & so did my one of my cousins. I?m struggling currently with my identity & of course I?m very open to express that... & I know most of you are asking ?How come!?? Well I?ll take you on a ride of my journey!

I can?t believe that I?m saying this, but I was raped between the ages of 5-14 by one of my closest family members who I had both consensual & UNCONSENSUAL sex with. Due to me not knowing my sexuality, I felt the need to try it with someone I know instead of someone totally different. It turned from a single try to every day sex with me also being pressured into having sex with him when I knew it was wrong & I didn?t want too. He would say things to make me have sex with him. It is the biggest mistake of my life. This same cousin also introduced me to porn. I never ejaculated until the age of 15. I liked the feeling of it... & it became obsessive.

Additionally, I was bullied from 1st Grade until my 12th Grade year due to false rumors of being being gay or either me sleeping with some dude. I also had a sexual encounter with a guy friend of mine when I was 6 with whom I got talked into doing it by someone else (a bully) who pressured me to have sex with him just so he wouldn?t bully me anymore. HUGE MISTAKE.... he told everyone about what happened & pinned it on me like I was the one who wanted to do that in the beginning. I was always called gay, sweet, faggot, & a he-she. Words really hurt.... due to that, I never got a chance to actually have a REAL sexual encounter with someone nor be in an OFFICIAL relationship all because of me being bullied. I think girls wanted to talk to me, but were scared about what people said about me. I really do hope that this will eventually change one day.


When I was 16, I experienced my first heartbreak by someone who I fell in love with. I was depressed for 2 years & it hit harder the second year versus my first year. I went through what is called ?heartbreak syndrome? which basically is a victim having heart attack symptoms everyday without actually having a heart attack. With this traumatic experience, I turned to porn more heavily to fulfill the void. I ejaculated 6-9 times a day within the blink of an eye. 16, 17, & 18 I was fine with my erections... like a normal healthy teenager. When I became 19, I noticed that my body was really different. I ?googled? everything to try to make it make sense & I stumbled across ?PIED.? My whole entire life is really a sham.... I lost myself completely due to my heartbreak & porn. No more morning erections or anything.... I can still get an erection... ONLY if I think about porn, me having sex with a crush of mine, or me playing explicit photos or videos in my mind. I just want my life back.


February 7th, 2021 was my last day watching porn. The longest I have went without watching anything explicit was 2 weeks straight but I relapsed again. So far 11 days down without anything explicit & I hope it stays like this. I know with the help & encouragement of everyone here & with the help of my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ I can get through this.


Thank you guys for listening to my story. You can email or message me if you would like to for anything... opinions, advice, etc. I?m here!!! No judgement here!
 

Stiffy999

Active Member
Hey man,
This story of yours...I mean you've gone through a lot of stuff and i admire your endurance and strength.11 days is awesome achievement for the start,so just keep doing it and aim for more and you will reach your goal.Wish you best of luck on your journey !
 

Sanders

Active Member
Hey Gene,

Welcome here. I can imagine that writing all of this must have been difficult. I guess it feels liberating as well in a way? I don't know to what extent you have people in your life you can talk about this but it seems like an awful lot to deal with. It's impressive you're here and I hope you can 'get your life back' as you've put it.

Take care, I wish you all the best in your journey!
 
Day 12

No porn still! I?m doing pretty great with my progress. I haven?t thought about watching it in a bit... although I did have the urge yesterday but I beat it. I actually found out some of my triggers & they are the following:

- personal bathrooms w/ my phone in hand
- quiet places, such as you being the only one in your home
- surprisingly, TWITTER!! which I deactivated until it?s time for me to go back (about 1-2 weeks deactivated.)

Those are some of my triggers. There could be more.... but so far so good. A good distraction of mine is watching Netflix & musical therapy. I?m gonna try to celebrate every week I complete a porn free week. Almost at the 2 week mark!! 
 
N

Nliy

Guest
Damn that's a rough period you went through.

Identifying your triggers is a great thing. Keep up the good work!
 
Day 13,

Another awesome day without the ?pleasure? of watching porn. So far, I haven?t been triggered to do it & I hope & pray that it stays that way. All of my triggers have been identified & there may be more, but on the other hand, today went well. I?m almost at the 2 week mark again! Let?s hope I can get past the two week mark... which I know I will!

 
Day 14,

Yayyyy! I made it to 2 weeks without porn! I?m super proud of myself! I did kinda have that urge this morning due to my sexual thoughts, a couple of recurrent porn clips, & quiet room, BUT I did beat the urge again. Overall, pretty well so far!! I just hope this growth continues because I?m really serious about restarting my life all over again... I deserve it & I?m gonna work had to get myself back & fall in love with myself all over again!
 

kami

New Member
Man, I thought I had it bad... when your going through hell... you dont give up but keep fighting!!!
 

Robert7M

Member
Hello !

Go forward ! Don't abondon, and be more prudent because your body will invite you to relapse but do not accept. From Day 15 in not easier and and that day often there are relachement ( = not observal of principes that you establish ).

- Fight that day by day. Make your best to be clean a day, ant the next one you'll do the same.

- You can read stories of others who succeed, that will encourage you to go forward !


Salutations !
 
Day 16**,

(** for some reason the site didn't want to load on either devices, so I'll post yesterday's update today.)

Yesterday went FANTASTIC! & honestly, I can really tell that I am on my way to happiness. My journal is all I think about now!! Isn't that so healthy? I still deal with fantasizing. No porn though!! Nothing explicit at all!!

Also, I really feel myself moving forward with my life and getting myself together both mentally and physically. I want to start working out for health benefits and the sake of resisting porn. I will work on that tomorrow... or maybe today, all depends on how the day goes. I had an open conversation with one my good friends and we just talked about life and other aspects that go on within our daily lives. I've finally learned the meaning of not settling for less. I've decided to really move on from the heartbreak situation (even though I've been moved on, but not fully). If things are meant to be, then it'll be & if not, I've learned to accept it. You can sit here and try all you want to make a person try to talk & if they don't, then they just don't. Life goes on... with or WITHOUT that particular someone. Love YOURSELF before you love anyone else & I think that I've fallen in love with myself all over again.

Music really helped me to achieve this status & it is also helping me with my porn journey. When I wake up, get ready for work/bed, I listen to music. It's mostly 90's music from the GREATS, such as Monica, Brandy, SWV, Jodeci, TLC, etc. Some songs that really helped/help me are the following:

"The Boy is Mine"- Brandy & Monica (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS SONG GOT ME THROUGH SOME TOUGH TIMES!! It's the beat for me!!)
"So Gone"- Monica
"Sideline Ho"- Monica
"Angel of Mine"- Monica
"Full Moon"- Brandy
"Sittin' Up in My Room"- Brandy
"The First Night"- Monica
"A Dozen Roses"- Monica
"Streets" Doja Cat
"Say So"- Doja Cat
"Why I Love You So Much"- Monica
"A Thousand Miles"- Vanessa Carlton
"Foolish/Unfoolish"- Ashanti
"Rain on Me"- Ashanti
"Burn"- AJ Mitchell

- I have a couple more, but I'll be sitting here all day!! I hope any of these songs will make a person feel good about themselves, teach them something, or better yet, just SOOTHE them!! But that's all for today guys!!!

And for the people who had recently commented, thank you so much for the support and love! It really means a lot! It's really helping me with my journey. & yes, I will read some stories tomorrow and comment. Once again, thank you!
 
Day 17,

Today went exceptionally well, although I did have the urge. You do know that when men go a little while without masturbating, testosterone levels increase up to 45%? I was sitting at the dining room table & all of sudden, I got very horny & hormonal. It just came down on me, but I knew that I had to resist the urge, so I listened to some music. That helped soothe me & I got rid of the urge. I think I?m slowly getting myself back down there (mild erection while typing this WITHOUT FANTASIZING!!). It?s just gonna take some time. TIME DOES HEAL!! Well, onto DAY 18!! I?m almost at the three week line ??! You?ve got this Gene!
 
Day 18,

Sooooo, I have amazing news!! I was home ALONE today and I accomplished my goal of PROPERLY handling one of my triggers.... NO PORN!!! It would normally be hard to not ejaculate while I'm home alone, but I managed to actually pull it off. I'm super ecstatic!! I got up, listened to some music, took a shower, exercised, cooked, and binged watched "Greenleaf" today. I actually fit some healthiness in my schedule. Well, on to day 19!! I can't believe I made it this far! I'm almost at day 21 (3 week mark- longest ever!). 
 
Day 19,

Great so far! I really can?t believe that I?m actually doing this! It makes me smile typing this! What keeps me going is seeing that my ?day number? goes up. I?m almost at 20 & I?m getting super close to three weeks WITHOUT PORN!! Everything is going well! Tomorrow I?ll be hanging out with a friend, so that?ll be relaxing! I can?t wait to see how my life unfolds when I finish my recovery!
 

Robert7M

Member
Congratulations to you !

Be more prudent because you must do more that what you are doing. What about 21, 22, 25 or more days clean !

I am just challenging you !

Go forwards
 
Day 20,

Another day accomplished without the usage of porn. ?Booty shaking? video are on my ?for you? page on TikTok, but I try my best to avoid them, although it encourages me to do some ?booty workouts? (working on those now... legs are sore!). My erections seem to be much improved if anything. There is still some fantasizing, but I?m working on that. Today, I got out with a friend & I opened up to her about my situation. She was very supportive of me & even told me ?Congratulations on your 20 day sobriety!? It really means a lot. I even posted a picture today to prove to myself that I?m getting back out there again. & to also shit on those who hurt me... in a GOOD WAY!

I?m really glad that I?ve signed up for this. It really helps & honestly, I cannot wait to log into my journal & tell myself what I did today & to pat myself on the back for making it without porn. Well tomorrow is day 21! I?ve made it to THREE WEEKS!!!!! I?m super proud of myself!!

On to day 21!!! Forever more to go! Let?s get our lives back together again!
 
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