Journals > Ages 20-29

First Time for a New Beginning

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RideTheWave:
First Time for A New Beginning: My First Ever Post
I have been lurking for a while, especially on reddit/r/nofap, but I am proud to finally post something online to get it off my chest. Below are my first day thoughts and a bit about my history and my current sex life/relationship. 23 y/o.

After spending the first warm sunny day of spring inside and in front of my computer, I reluctantly procrastibated (procrastinated +masturbated) twice.. once to instagram pictures and a second time with porn. Now at this point I haven’t watched porn in 3 weeks. Which is pretty good for me, I was however masturbating about once a day. I have had small reboots in the past (1-2 weeks) but overall I am yet another young man who has abused sexual stimulation and pornography.

I’m now 23 and I have known pornography and excessive masturbation have been bad for me for about 2 years now (after doing some research and simply seeing my own poor sexual performances). However I have not stopped. In fact in those 2 years, since a breakup from the hottest girl I have ever had the pleasure of dating and sleeping with, I have increased my masturbation. My longest reboot was 2 months. That about a year and a half ago now. My latest and longest reboot? A measly week that ended last week…

I have all the means and abilities to date women and have happy, healthy sexual relationships and I've done so in the past. But as many of you know, I often take the easier route and spend far too much time with my hand down my pants and in front of my computer or cell phone. I have always enjoyed porn and sexual thoughts from a young age and lost my virginity at 15 and had a very active sex life with a lot of experience at a young age too. It has primed my brain to look at women in a hyper-sexualized way. My triggers are my thoughts, social media (especially fb and instagram), images of girls on stupid side-menus of websites and of course porn.

I've had many sexual partners and would probably be considered "successful" with girls. But things have changed in the past year or 2. I have become lazier than ever in all aspects of life and I find myself not even seeking a relationship or even a fling with any girl. I feel inadequate and I feel like I'm losing ability to be the best-me I can possibly be. So what's my problem?

I am an addict. And although addictions are embarrassing, this one is especially so. I’ve only told 2 people in my entire life about my addiction. 1 was my good friend, and I didn’t even tell him all the specifics (it was the hardest thing ever, the only way I was able to do this was because he was a recovery alcoholic and I found I could share with him my story of addiction with him to console him and help his recovery). And 2, was my psychologist who strangely enough doesn't know much about the subject. So really, I have no one else to tell and I’m so embarrassed. At this point I am contemplating whether I should tell my current girlfriend or not.

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 4 months now. It’s the first serious relationship I’ve had in 2 years. She’s wonderful, understanding, cute as hell and one of the best things in my life right now. Our sex life however, has been hit or miss. We began with a ton of lust, but that lust took us into dangerous territory. She is not on birth control and because I can’t get hard enough (if at all) with a condom (because I can’t feel the stimulation), we had sex without one. That lead to a pregnancy scare that fortunately came back negative. That made us both very anxious around sex and so now we live very non-sexually. But the pressures are becoming very tempting. We have tried sex since and always with a condom, trying different tricks and different condoms etc. But the sex has been shit… I'm not hard enough, she doesn’t have a good time and she also hates the feeling of the condom too. She’s beginning to get frustrated and we even had a small fight the other night after sex because she doesn’t know if she can date me without having a healthy, active sex life… I'm scared, but can I blame her? We’re young and just want to have fun and share our love with each other.

Now, I haven’t always been unable to perform. I made my ex girlfriend go crazy. I would be rock hard, and last forever, giving her multiple, real, beautiful orgasms. She couldn’t get enough of me. But like I said before, she’s out of the picture and since then I have delved deeper into my porn/fap addiction.

As it stands my girlfriend has decided she will be getting an IUD (intrauterine device) because she doesn’t want to go on birth control pills (because of bad experiences with them in the past) and because condoms just don’t work with me, or her. So, on that front I’m excited to have safe sex without a condom, because it will bring back the spontaneity to our sex life, but I still fear ED.  I also fear that sometimes I’m just not interested in my girlfriend because I can masturbate to anything at anytime I want.   I have a lot of fears inside of me as I'm sure many of you do. But I am proud to finally post something online and I am proud to say that today is the day I start my first real reboot. Today is the day I take back the control of my life. There are going to be some tough days, as I have experienced in the past. But with everyone in this forum, and all the help and support I have seen over the internet. I am confident I can really do it this time around.

A couple questions:
-   1. Do I tell my girlfriend about my problems? Have you guys done so too? How??
-   2. I really want to have sex with her at some point and it will probably happen in the next few weeks when she gets her IUD. I don’t want to disappoint her since she’s doing this for us. Can I still do this and reboot? I know many guys say you have to abstain from all orgasms even when its with your partner. What are your thoughts?

RideTheWave:
Day 3:

I slept in today and I found that just being in bed for too long brings out some of my worst habits. I realized that this is one of my triggers, especially once I pull out my laptop or phone and surf the web even just for news. Unfortunately, I opened up some pictures of a favourite porn star but I didn't touch myself. I found I was only able to get semi-hard from just looking at pictures/GIFs. That in and of itself made me disappointed in myself and I quickly closed those windows. It was difficult though.

So my lessons I learned today:
1. I can't get very aroused by images or GIFs
2. Once I'm awake and I need to get up and out of bed right away. I need to get my mind moving right away in order to keep me focused things other than sex/porn. Like Gabe mentioned you've got to adopt a life that keeps you busy and active to steer your mind away from temptations.
3. Writing out my thoughts really helps :)

RideTheWave:
Day 9

So lately I've been having a hard time concentrating when I come home from work and have homework to do. Of course at work I can't be tempted by much, but when I come home I can be lured in by my computer.

So today after work I decided to look up some porn vids/gifs, I just watched and fantasized, and touched myself a little, barely at all. And I didn't "edge", thankfully. I know I shouldn't have done this at all. Now I'm thinking way too much about all those images I saw earlier. Like fuck, are we ever hard-wired for this shit. I can't get those images out of my head. But at least coming on here and spilling my thoughts helps me to focus on something else.

What are your thoughts on watching porn in general? Obviously its bad, but are there any ways to help avoid doing this in the future? It's so readily available. I find the hardest thing is that I probably became curious only because I started watching tv and saw some attractive girl and became tempted.

This challenge has made me realize just how sexualized our world is.

RideTheWave:
Damn, after reading the FAQ, I guess relapsed...(as discussed in my last post). I fell victim to my urges even tho I didn't orgasm. I was still in that same mindset and was looking for novelty... I'm still going to keep counting the days, but I know now I CANT do that again. I believe I'm partially an addict of the internet and one of the underlying symptoms of that is my thirst for novelty.

Wow this is tough.

VforVictory:
As long as you didn't edge or orgasm, it shouldn't be much of a problem.
It's really on the fence, so I think you could go either way: start over, or continue where you left off.

As for your ED problem, I think you should definitely talk to your gf.
And tell her all about rebooting, and how much effort you are putting into fixing this.
If she looks deep enough, maybe explore the Yourbrainonporn site on her own,
she'll find out that this symptom is very common among young adults today,
and hopefully she'll forgive you.
Cuz there's no way you are going to find an easy, short-term solution for your ED.
It's going to take at least 3 months of hard effort to fix.

I wish you luck!

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