FrankWhite12
Member
Hello Everybody,
This is my first time journalling on a porn-recovery website. I am very excited about it, looking forward to any advice / support and to hear other people's storys as well. Thanks to all of you who take the time to read this.
My story goes as follows:
I am currently 26yo, from Germany. My addiction to pornography goes back to 2008 when I was 13. After having discovered masturbation, I quickly started looking for content online; Although I did not pursue pornographic images or videos every time I masturbated in the beginning, the amount of porn I consumed increased rapidly. I remember having a Sony Ericson slide phone with a walkman function and slow (and very expensive) internet connection - from time to time when urges came up and I could not use the family computer, I seeked out images on my phone, which led to crazy phone bills.
I had my first "gf" when I was 14, we didn't do more than kissing occasionally, I wanted to hang out with her more and spend more time with her alone, but we mostly kept seeing each other in group settings. With 15 / 16 I made out with a couple of girls, but nothing further. All this time I was consistently using porn, often multiple times a day. Porn sessions usually took from half an hour up to 2 hours back then. The following years until I was 19 were similar - I kept meeting some girls, making out with them etc, but never pursued anything further. Retrospectively speaking I guess I was either too scared, too shy or both to take the initiative.
With 19, after having moved out of my parents house, came the first time I wanted to be intimate with a girl I met in university. I hooked up with a friend of hers on a party before and she texted me with clear intentions "I want to watch a movie with you". After making out in her bed we undressed and tried to have sex, I was super nervous, not turned on at all and couldn't get it up. In the middle of it I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and told myself to get my shit together. The initial nervousness was gone and I couldn't explain myself why I was unable to get an erection.
We met again two or three times after that, one of those times after a party we tried again, but I wouldn't really get hard and we ended up sleeping.
In the following year I still dated a few women, but did not pursue more than kissing, ashamed of what I would feel and have to go through if we were to try to have sex. There was one girl, a friend of mine, who was quite fond of me. After a party she stayed overnight at my place and we ended up having sex (I was semi erect, not relaxed at all and found the whole event quite stressful and unsatisfying. I came quickly.
With 21 I went to study abroad in Spain. I was going out a lot and quite some girls were interested in me. After parties or so I ended up in bed with 4 of 5 of them, but was never able to get an erection when we attempted sex. I was very irritated and not sure what was wrong with me. Thoughts like "come on man, you are a MAN, you need to be ready to have sex and just get it over with!" entered my mind. All that time I was using porn heavily, oftentimes I used to get high and masturbate a lot, falling asleep right after with my open laptop next to me, fully exhausted.
The next year of my life I had a few dates, but nothing further. With 23 I did an internship abroad, met a girl from Spain who I started to see more often. After some time we attempted sex, with the same result. I was unable to get hard, and did not know what could possibly be wrong with me. I discovered the term of performance anxiety which I contributed my inability to perform to. The feelings of shame were very strong, I thought about not seeing her again since I was so ashamed of myself and the whole situation or what I would have to go through again if we were to try to be intimate once again.
After a month or so of seeing her, I was able to have sex with a full erection for the first time. Over the course of the next two months, sex with her got better and better and we decided that we were exclusive.
After 5/6 months, that relationship ended, we just did not see eye to eye on many things, but sex was always great with her. After our breakup I tried to have sex with someone I met on a dating app, I thought "hey, you are able to have sex, you can do it, the curse is gone!" finally when we were naked and in bed, once again I did not feel it and could not get an erection.
Half a year later, I met another girl, my second relationship, it was long distance (2 different continents). In the beginning, I could not have sex with her, but felt extremely attracted to her due to her self esteem, charisma and her character in general. I quickly developed strong feelings for her. When we met again the second time (I always saw her every 2 months or so, for 4-6 weeks), I was able to have sex with her. During the course of our relationship - which lasted 1.5 years - there were quite some times where I was nervous about having sex, nervous about not being able to satisfy her and lose her if I wouldn't be able to do exactly that. During the times we were apart, I always used porn, but as our next meeting approached, I stopped and tried to abstain from PMO. Somehow I already had the feeling it was bad for me, for my relationship, for my sexuality, but I did not know about porn addiction yet. As that relationship ended more than a year ago when I was 25, I got educated, found out about porn addiction and decided to quit. Even though I told myself I wouldnt use porn again, I relapsed a week after. That time I told myself "no fucking around anymore, this time for real". I did nofap for 3 months, ended that streak by having sex with a girl from a dating app - sex was okay, but I did not like her a lot, I just felt empty inside afterwards.
Since then I had cravings from time to time, in the beginning really strong. During this winter one wet dream which I was quite proud of - the last time that happened, I was 13. Since half a year I masturbate maybe 1-2 times a month, I dont use porn at all. I have quite a lot of energy, but my libido is very low. I have been with two girls over the course of the last 2 months, I ended up confessing my porn addiction to both of them and had oral sex once with each of them, but besides that my libido is still very low. Kissing and being intimate with them did not turn me on, neither seeing them naked or performing oral sex with them, even though they both enjoyed it very much. I did too, but it was not turning me on.
After having an orgasm, I feel less energetic for almost a week, then I start regaining a) motivation to do things and b) energy.
Now I am wondering if I am in some sort of flatline since I read it can take up to two years to fully recover from porn addiction - of course depending on the intensity, duration and the age of exposure. Currently I feel very vital, but the lust for sex and general libido is very low - every two or three weeks or so I start feeling it, then it's gone for the same amount of time.
In my case that was when I was 13. From 13-23 I used porn heavily, almost daily, I was edging and masturbating at least 1 a day, often 2 times, sometimes 3 times. I felt demotivated for many things, including approaching girls. At some point during my addiction I even thought I am not going to try to have sex with another human being ever again, shame and pain and self-loathing were too dominant.
Additionally, I think I could be demisexual, I think I need a strong emotional connection that triggers arousal (at least that's what I think could explain the latest events).
That's my entire story - I have never gone into so much detail before, nor written about it. Thanks to anyone who read so far, I wish you all the best and the motivation to beat this addiction! I am very grateful such communities exist.
This is my first time journalling on a porn-recovery website. I am very excited about it, looking forward to any advice / support and to hear other people's storys as well. Thanks to all of you who take the time to read this.
My story goes as follows:
I am currently 26yo, from Germany. My addiction to pornography goes back to 2008 when I was 13. After having discovered masturbation, I quickly started looking for content online; Although I did not pursue pornographic images or videos every time I masturbated in the beginning, the amount of porn I consumed increased rapidly. I remember having a Sony Ericson slide phone with a walkman function and slow (and very expensive) internet connection - from time to time when urges came up and I could not use the family computer, I seeked out images on my phone, which led to crazy phone bills.
I had my first "gf" when I was 14, we didn't do more than kissing occasionally, I wanted to hang out with her more and spend more time with her alone, but we mostly kept seeing each other in group settings. With 15 / 16 I made out with a couple of girls, but nothing further. All this time I was consistently using porn, often multiple times a day. Porn sessions usually took from half an hour up to 2 hours back then. The following years until I was 19 were similar - I kept meeting some girls, making out with them etc, but never pursued anything further. Retrospectively speaking I guess I was either too scared, too shy or both to take the initiative.
With 19, after having moved out of my parents house, came the first time I wanted to be intimate with a girl I met in university. I hooked up with a friend of hers on a party before and she texted me with clear intentions "I want to watch a movie with you". After making out in her bed we undressed and tried to have sex, I was super nervous, not turned on at all and couldn't get it up. In the middle of it I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and told myself to get my shit together. The initial nervousness was gone and I couldn't explain myself why I was unable to get an erection.
We met again two or three times after that, one of those times after a party we tried again, but I wouldn't really get hard and we ended up sleeping.
In the following year I still dated a few women, but did not pursue more than kissing, ashamed of what I would feel and have to go through if we were to try to have sex. There was one girl, a friend of mine, who was quite fond of me. After a party she stayed overnight at my place and we ended up having sex (I was semi erect, not relaxed at all and found the whole event quite stressful and unsatisfying. I came quickly.
With 21 I went to study abroad in Spain. I was going out a lot and quite some girls were interested in me. After parties or so I ended up in bed with 4 of 5 of them, but was never able to get an erection when we attempted sex. I was very irritated and not sure what was wrong with me. Thoughts like "come on man, you are a MAN, you need to be ready to have sex and just get it over with!" entered my mind. All that time I was using porn heavily, oftentimes I used to get high and masturbate a lot, falling asleep right after with my open laptop next to me, fully exhausted.
The next year of my life I had a few dates, but nothing further. With 23 I did an internship abroad, met a girl from Spain who I started to see more often. After some time we attempted sex, with the same result. I was unable to get hard, and did not know what could possibly be wrong with me. I discovered the term of performance anxiety which I contributed my inability to perform to. The feelings of shame were very strong, I thought about not seeing her again since I was so ashamed of myself and the whole situation or what I would have to go through again if we were to try to be intimate once again.
After a month or so of seeing her, I was able to have sex with a full erection for the first time. Over the course of the next two months, sex with her got better and better and we decided that we were exclusive.
After 5/6 months, that relationship ended, we just did not see eye to eye on many things, but sex was always great with her. After our breakup I tried to have sex with someone I met on a dating app, I thought "hey, you are able to have sex, you can do it, the curse is gone!" finally when we were naked and in bed, once again I did not feel it and could not get an erection.
Half a year later, I met another girl, my second relationship, it was long distance (2 different continents). In the beginning, I could not have sex with her, but felt extremely attracted to her due to her self esteem, charisma and her character in general. I quickly developed strong feelings for her. When we met again the second time (I always saw her every 2 months or so, for 4-6 weeks), I was able to have sex with her. During the course of our relationship - which lasted 1.5 years - there were quite some times where I was nervous about having sex, nervous about not being able to satisfy her and lose her if I wouldn't be able to do exactly that. During the times we were apart, I always used porn, but as our next meeting approached, I stopped and tried to abstain from PMO. Somehow I already had the feeling it was bad for me, for my relationship, for my sexuality, but I did not know about porn addiction yet. As that relationship ended more than a year ago when I was 25, I got educated, found out about porn addiction and decided to quit. Even though I told myself I wouldnt use porn again, I relapsed a week after. That time I told myself "no fucking around anymore, this time for real". I did nofap for 3 months, ended that streak by having sex with a girl from a dating app - sex was okay, but I did not like her a lot, I just felt empty inside afterwards.
Since then I had cravings from time to time, in the beginning really strong. During this winter one wet dream which I was quite proud of - the last time that happened, I was 13. Since half a year I masturbate maybe 1-2 times a month, I dont use porn at all. I have quite a lot of energy, but my libido is very low. I have been with two girls over the course of the last 2 months, I ended up confessing my porn addiction to both of them and had oral sex once with each of them, but besides that my libido is still very low. Kissing and being intimate with them did not turn me on, neither seeing them naked or performing oral sex with them, even though they both enjoyed it very much. I did too, but it was not turning me on.
After having an orgasm, I feel less energetic for almost a week, then I start regaining a) motivation to do things and b) energy.
Now I am wondering if I am in some sort of flatline since I read it can take up to two years to fully recover from porn addiction - of course depending on the intensity, duration and the age of exposure. Currently I feel very vital, but the lust for sex and general libido is very low - every two or three weeks or so I start feeling it, then it's gone for the same amount of time.
In my case that was when I was 13. From 13-23 I used porn heavily, almost daily, I was edging and masturbating at least 1 a day, often 2 times, sometimes 3 times. I felt demotivated for many things, including approaching girls. At some point during my addiction I even thought I am not going to try to have sex with another human being ever again, shame and pain and self-loathing were too dominant.
Additionally, I think I could be demisexual, I think I need a strong emotional connection that triggers arousal (at least that's what I think could explain the latest events).
That's my entire story - I have never gone into so much detail before, nor written about it. Thanks to anyone who read so far, I wish you all the best and the motivation to beat this addiction! I am very grateful such communities exist.
