Reboot Nation Forum > Partners of Rebooters and Addicts

How to initiate the discussion with my boyfriend?

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penny209:
Hi everyone. This is my first post on here and my first day of hearing about porn addiction as a real problem and the rebooting method.

Background:
For the past six months, I have been struggling with anxiety and experienced a lack of interest in sex, resulting in my boyfriend, inevitably, watching more porn and masturbating more often. He advised me he masturbates 2-3 times a week and watches porn each time.

More recently, my libido has improved and my interest has increased which is great! When we begin to engage in sex together though, all he cares about is getting to the pentration, he rushes foreplay, has no interest in any intimacy like kissing or holding, and if I cannot have penetrative sex for some reason (soresness etc), then he is greatly disappointed and will not allow me to finish him off in another way.

This is a change in behavior as previously when we were having sex often, he would spend lots of time pleasuring me, it would be intimate, passionate, and didn't always have to involve penetration. I know this is linked to the type of porn he watches as he confirmed that, and admits that it may have a negative effect on him

But how can I speak about this in more depth without making it seem like I am telling him to stop or that it is his fault?

rebootrapp:
As a PA myself, I would have you tell him to stop. Send him to this site and yourbrainonporn.com and have him learn about what he's doing to himself.

For me it took my wife threatening to leave me to break the cycle, hopefully you don't have to go that far to get through to him. But don't be afraid to. PA really changed my whole character as a man, and I'm forever grateful that my wife finally gave me that epiphany in that moment, and has acted as a friend and partner in my recovery.

Hope this helps.

Einzbern:
Hi, welcome. I'm new here as well.  :)

Making it seem like your telling him to stop is actually quite a challenge without being direct to it. But I think being straightforward would do good; not in an accusing way, but it should be based on love and support. If he gets angry, immediately drop the conversation; you can't convince the mind of an angry person. Instead, try to open it up again say, after a few days? See if he comes around?

Best of luck!

motojunky:
penny209,

like rebootrapp my wife's tough love is what got me to get serious. an addict never thinks there is a problem until he is actually loosing what matters to him. my addiction made my wife feel like I care more about myself and porn, so when I actually had to make a choice is when I realized that I will murder my addiction because it actually took away what I value most - my wife.

tough love is not a bad thing ... another thing is you could speak with a man in his life that you and him both respect to confront him and get in his face. then education was also a big thing for me.

there are many ways you can approach this, but you know him best - my wife made some real sacrifices to help me and I see that now. there are some tough days - but she is the best thing that happened to me. she should be the one receiving the reward of this and I will everyday work to show her how much I love her.

Maybe before you tell him its his fault, make a plan. I know you want to be kind and compassionate, but an addict like myself will just use that for myself. I saw my wife's kindness and compassion at times when I was most uncomfortable and she doesn't even know it. He needs to make a choice and admit there is a problem. Maybe learn with him, watch some videos together and ask many personal questions of him, get him to be uncomfortable and see his lies and call him on them. I know it all can seem mean to press and squeeze at him, but he needs to see how much he loves his addiction.

Send him here, yourbrainonporn.com, covenanteyes.com/blog/ .... you and him should do some serious reading on the subject

God Bless

There is hope - he can change, but he needs to decide why and how. I did many things wrong, but I did not give up and she is seeing that

Beegie:
Hey, Y'all. I'm new here too. Just been on the forum ten minutes, no kidding. And oh my gosh, to find this question!!! And to find the description of the situation BEHIND that question just blows my mind. Because it could be MY exact situation with MY boyfriend. I have been looking online for about a week now, hunting for any evidence that what I put two and two together on actually DOES equal four! Found Gabe's videos,,,and then he linked back here, and so here I am.

I so appreciate the responses re: tough love. I have tried a few times to be gentle and kind in addressing the cessation of physical touch, physical attention, but that hasn't gone well at all. In fact, he's sneered at me and told me I'm a whiner. And this is NOT how he used to be. I can see him changing before my eyes, and all HE can see is that I'm not being one of the pixel women. He used to tell me I was beautiful and sexy, and to be enamored of me, body and soul. That was months ago. We've been together eight months now.

When I began to educate myself, I learned that it wasn't my fault, and that helped considerably. But still, there is this lingering residue of rejection from him, of deep wounding. And I've just reached the point, my last bad nerve, that I can't deal anymore. I love him deeply. If worst comes to worst, I am praying that even if he chooses to let me walk away, that this will cause him to take a good long look at himself and his PA. And that he'll realize that hey, there must be some reason she walked away.

Your comments of choosing your wife over the PA give me some hope that maybe my guy will choose me, as well. It doesn't feel that he will, though. Funny thing is, he's attentive in other ways: he takes me on nice dates, to places he plans that he knows I'll like; he buys things for me; he's protective of me. And he does kiss me, albeit perfunctorily, goodnight.  But why does he continue, and I continue to enjoy his company, even though there is no physical touch between us because he has this literal hands off attitude?? ...I am quite confused, as y'all can see.

Any ideas of exactly how to go about issuing an ultimatum would be so appreciated, as I confess I'm clueless.

Thanks so much!

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