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36 yr old engaged to 27 yr old with sexual dysfunction and close female friends

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Blueberry4:
I'm a 36 year old female engaged to a 27 year old man.  I have reason to believe he has porn-induced delayed ejaculation.  This isn't the only concern I have about our relationship, but sort of amplifies the other concerns that I have.

The good: We got together through a mutual friend who essentially match-made us. He's generally a great communicator, lets me know what is on his mind, and does many sweet things for me. He's funny and makes me laugh. I have some physical issues of my own (a condition that makes me get injured and sprained very easily, unfortunately it is not within my control) and he is very sweet about supporting me through it and being gentle (At times it causes a lot of pain).  Also, I have expressed to him that because of my condition and age, pregnancy could be difficult and he suggested adoption because he really wants to be with me and make it work. This is something that made me feel very supported and that I was looking for.

My concerns:

1) Sexual Dysfunction
We have been together for a year and one month and he has only come once with me.  It always made me feel insecure and not good enough but then I'd tell myself it wasn't my fault. I just recently suggested looking into some of these websites so he has not tried to reboot yet.  I know that he uses devices and toys "fleshlight" and I assume he watches porn a lot because he has been single for something like 4 to 5 years before me and has admitted to watching it.

2) Close Friendships with Damsel-in-Distress Young Women
He has a lot of close relationships with younger women. When we first got together, I embraced his close friendships so long as I was made a priority over them. However, at times he showed abnormal codependent tendencies towards them and had expressed being previously attracted to one of them.  He doesn't hang out with her as much, but still has a relationship with one 21 or 22 year old that bothers me at times. For example, we video-chat every night at 11, but he used that time to talk to her, promised to talk to me after, and then fall asleep without talking to me. I don't mind if he talks to her but I don't like him using time designated for us to do so.  In addition, the girls he talks to are "needy" and look to him as a support through their drama. I'm okay with him having female friends but am not wild about the idea of it being a damsel in distress calling at 11 pm at night.... No.  I have discussed these matters with him and I think he understands... somewhat. He has tried to make some adjustments, but I don't know that they are always enough because he will always make a sort of similar mistake. (Not getting me a Valentines day gift, but then getting the same gift for me and his other, younger girl-friend.  (Tickets to see a concert).  I don't have friendships with the opposite sex.

In other-words, the sexual dysfunction is enough to make me feel insecure a bit but with the presence of these younger women (younger than him even) and his questionable ways of interacting with them,  I can't help but feel incredibly uncomfortable and like I am doing something unnatural in being with a man that is 9 years younger than me.

3)Limited life development and maturity
He is younger than me but also young as far as life development. He lives in his parent's basement, has never lived on his own besides college, and doesn't understand basic concepts such as interest rates and paying utilities.  His mother makes him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for work some days.  I also have had to move back in with my parents because of health issues and going to grad school to change my career.  However I have supported myself and lived independently and know how the real world works.  He comes from an affluent background and seems to expect things to come easy to him. For example, he expected to be given a full time job at a preschool based on how long he worked there part time, not due to initiative. He would express frustration when people who started working there after him were promoted earlier than him.  However, he often calls out of work, arrives late, and watches movies during nap time.  I know, as someone who has worked in preschools and education, that that doesn't really make you shine for a promotion to full time. I would suggest to him taking some education classes or looking elsewhere to work, but wanted to be careful about lecturing him and kept my comments limited about all of this. Im not a parent and never want that dynamic.

Thus far, the sexual dysfunction has not made me very upset, only somewhat upset and somewhat frustrated.  However, I can sort of foresee that it could be a much bigger deal when I'm aging and he still wants to have very close friendships with younger women..  say.. when I'm 48 and he's 39. This concerns me. The presence of these close young women friendships along with the inability to come with me makes me feel like something is not right. 

He is WILD about me and is very excited to marry me.  I do love him and enjoy being in his presence (most of the time), but I've got jitters due to the reasons above.

(Also.. I tried anal sex with him for maybe 30 seconds with no lube mid relationship because he wanted to and i felt bad about him not reaching orgasm and it hurt and I was in pain for a week after. After, I was mad I did that because I did it for him.. not for me. AND even worse when I expressed concern about it, he rolled his eyes and said nothing bad would come of it.. Sometimes he's incredibly selfish even if he's considerate other times.)

Thoughts on this?

HumbleRich:
So many red flags here.  Sit him down and tell him it ks either you or this pathetic teenage life he is living.  Don't put up.with that crap.  We (meaning addicts) all start off broken.  But he has to choose to fix  himself.  Good luck.

Rich

aquarius25:
All of these things need to be communicated. If he is unwilling to communicate and work on these concerns then don't marry this person. Marriage only makes everything more difficult. Don't start a future with someone with all of this. That is my take at the very least. I am sorry you are going to though all of this.

Blueberry4:
Thank you guys. 

I had the idea that maybe he should live on his own before living with me. I would rather him learn independence without me. I don't feel like walking him through the process, really.  I suggested the idea and he said he preferred to live with his parents until he moves with me because D.C. is so expensive. It is very expensive, but possible to do if you find others to live with. Because of my being older than him I just really do not want to fall into mother role in is life instructing him about how to live in the real world.  I don't feel like teaching those lessons.   

Part of the reason we are together is because when I do discuss how I am uncomfortable about his relationships with the other young women, he will apologize or adjust some, but the issue is that it is just never all the way fixed...  improved, but not removed. 

I will forward him info on rebooting. Does anyone have a good place to start, other than this website?  Also, how should I phrase it?  I mentioned a little about it but not a lot.


He is very sweet.  Super sweet.  However, I am concerned that all of that sweetness will fade fast when real life, bills, and demands come at us and then a 22 year old is calling asking him to visit her dorm room.  Then I'll want out really fast.

Sometimes he is very oblivious.

Thanks for your feedback.

HumbleRich:
Damn, am I glad that I have never had to deal with these dating issues.  Sorry, but it is the truth.  I met my wife the old fashioned way.  I met her at graduate school.  She chose me (woman power meme), which is actually great, because my alcoholism and arrogant shithead ways were so bad back then that I would never have Found someone otherwise.  I screwed it up, of course.  Being on and off with her, mostly because the booze and juvenile delinquency, fostered by half a decade of PMOi g made me feel like I had all of the time in the world to screw around.  I stupidly broke it off with her after we graduated and then dated two women in between, and saw the writing on the wall and emailed my ex back, basically begging her to take me back.  When she eventually did, one of her demands was that I quit drinking and get my act together.  I gradually did this over time.  We have been married two years now.

Why am I telling you all this?  Well, partly to express that the dating world is f’ed up.  Many people don’t do well in it, myself among them. 

But mostly, because I want to tell you that YOU have the power to determine how the rest of your life will go! 

You have that right.  No one can take it away from you.

If you truly love this man and he loves you, you mamma,e demands damn it!  Because your well-being is that important.

If I can be saved and turned into a semi-decent husband, than any man can.

But in truth you cannot save anybody, including your boyfriend.  We can only ever save ourselves.  He can only save himself.

BUT, you can draw your line in the sand.  You can tell him to shove it.

This is NOT controlling, you are not telling him what his hobbies can or cannot be, or what he is going to do for a living.  You are not touching his business.

You are telling him that he will no longer screw you over.

The damsel in distress stuff has to stop.  He is getting sexual gratification from being around and interacting with these women, regardless of whether he is actually cheating.  They boost his ego.

This is a huge violation of your relationship.  He promised you that you would be the closest person to him and the only women that would receive emotional favors.  It is within your rights to tell him he can’t give emotional favors to other women.

It can be tricky, as we men are naturally drawn to vulnerable women.  God knows why.  But we are. 

He has to respect that this can’t happen if he is with you.  He can give these women advice.  But that is really the extent of what is reasonable.  Going beyond that is going past his job description of friend or classmate. 

The women involved share the blame.  They are dabbling with a taken man.

This stuff has to stop if you are to have a stable relationship.

Take my life history as an example that a juvenile, broken man can be fixed, but it is going to take a lot of work on his part and strong boundaries from you.

Good luck.

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