Hi all, I posted probably a year back, maybe less about seeking to quit porn for good. That wasn't the first time, nor was its the last for that matter. Right now is the last. I've been struggling with the definition of an addiction, if my experience fit that category, that sticker. But I actually know this : I am not in control of my porn use, and my rapid-fire relationships that I burn through in a couple weeks at most is most likely linked to that.
And that's the main reason I'm here again. I'm scared, scared blind, scared shitless of sharing something deep and personal with another human being, with a woman. Sometimes I'm bold as hell, confident, just relaxed and open, and willing to share. But those times are always ALWAYS polluted by the part of me that's scared, that feels isolated, even though I am surrounded by supportive and loving friends. I still listen to that piece of me that's victimised, alone, small, scared. And its haven is pornland (although auto-correct maintains it's Portland).
I discovered porn as a young kid, probably around 7-8 years old. I had my first experience of looking up porn at around 10. And it's only in middle school that my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence all took a collective beating thanks to chronic porn use. So yeah, looking back, addiction is a scary but apt word. I have a hard time with it. Using it to define this part of myself is a failure, to be honest. But by trying to hush this feeling of failure up and going boldly (blindly) ahead it just grows and doubles, triples in size. Repressing it just makes it all the more there. I recognise now that I still carry this around with me all the time, this feeling of being a shit human being. Broken. Missed a step. Idiot. Failure.
Everybody else seems to be doing fine, goes the inner monologue. They have relationships willy-nilly and would laugh at the problems I have. They're doing so good and wonder how someone could be so dumb to miss something so simple, so obvious? Says me. Says that part that flees to pornland at every opportunity it gets. Invents them, even. The triggers have become so mixed with my daily life (at least for the past week or so) and I gladly give in to them that I couldn't tell you what they are. I don't think about them anymore. I don't want to think about them. I'm done resisting. Give in and get it over with. Once a day, ten minutes, boom. Done.
As I'm writing this I just realised : I'm scared of loosing porn, too.
And that's day 0. I'm tired so bedtime it is. Good luck to all, and especially to myself for now.
And that's the main reason I'm here again. I'm scared, scared blind, scared shitless of sharing something deep and personal with another human being, with a woman. Sometimes I'm bold as hell, confident, just relaxed and open, and willing to share. But those times are always ALWAYS polluted by the part of me that's scared, that feels isolated, even though I am surrounded by supportive and loving friends. I still listen to that piece of me that's victimised, alone, small, scared. And its haven is pornland (although auto-correct maintains it's Portland).
I discovered porn as a young kid, probably around 7-8 years old. I had my first experience of looking up porn at around 10. And it's only in middle school that my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence all took a collective beating thanks to chronic porn use. So yeah, looking back, addiction is a scary but apt word. I have a hard time with it. Using it to define this part of myself is a failure, to be honest. But by trying to hush this feeling of failure up and going boldly (blindly) ahead it just grows and doubles, triples in size. Repressing it just makes it all the more there. I recognise now that I still carry this around with me all the time, this feeling of being a shit human being. Broken. Missed a step. Idiot. Failure.
Everybody else seems to be doing fine, goes the inner monologue. They have relationships willy-nilly and would laugh at the problems I have. They're doing so good and wonder how someone could be so dumb to miss something so simple, so obvious? Says me. Says that part that flees to pornland at every opportunity it gets. Invents them, even. The triggers have become so mixed with my daily life (at least for the past week or so) and I gladly give in to them that I couldn't tell you what they are. I don't think about them anymore. I don't want to think about them. I'm done resisting. Give in and get it over with. Once a day, ten minutes, boom. Done.
As I'm writing this I just realised : I'm scared of loosing porn, too.
And that's day 0. I'm tired so bedtime it is. Good luck to all, and especially to myself for now.