Quest for Impulse Control

I've been trying to quit P for many years now. I have always lurked on all kinds of forums like these, but have never posted until today.

I'm 24 years old, and I want to be done with P for good. I started to M at a very young age (12/13) and started watching P at a very young age (13/14). So P has always been a part of my life. Over the years I have always gone through phases of consistently trying ( and succeeding) for months at a time, and then allowing my brain to trick me by listening to the stupid little voice that says "you can treat yourself to watch just one video, you're not addicted anymore !" And then i fall right into my old ways.

I have a lot of free time by myself at home due to the nature of my job schedule, (24 hours on, 72 off) and i find it hard to beat the cravings during the daytime especially in the morning. I don't have many hobbies that I am into at the moment, and its a hard time to find new hobbies due to the pandemic.

I have a long term GF I have been with for 5 years, and over all the years I've always had erection problems. It is always unreliable, Always struggling to get it up, always struggle to keep it up, always afraid to lose it. It has negatively affected my sex life with her and I need to do better. I have always kept it a secret from her, (she doesn't watch it because she thinks its gross and weird, shes right.)

My goal is to stop watching P, and have a healthy sex life. I know I am capable of doing it. All I need to do is beat the stupid little voice.

If and when I hear the little voice, I am going to do something that puts me in a position where I can't watch P. Go out for a walk/run, go for a drive, go to the gym, do pushups, play a video game that i cant pause.

DAY 1

Lets do it

Everyone starts from day 1. And everyone make it for whole life nofap.
I mean start is your first success and now you can do your nofap. And don't worry the cravings you feeling now or the fear of relapse is common in this journey. If you follow success stories of Rebooters, everyone here faced this things at start.
So this makes you eligible for reboot, so face this things for good things to happen.
Sorry for bad english and best of luck for your reboot.

Thanks for the kind words, Do or Die

Day 3

Successful couple days. Not many crazy cravings yet, just been mindful of them when they come up and try to distract myself.

Day 6

Started feeling irritable yesterday and definitely experiencing some mood swings. But had sex last night which helped with those feelings. Havent noticed any stronger erections yet. Still feels out of my control.

Day 8

Definitely felt chaser effects on day 7 after having sex. Had strong urges and even found myself scrolling on instagram for revealing photos. I felt very impulsive, and that i just wanted to be sucked into anything to avoid my withdraw symptoms, ended up constantly looking in the fridge for something to eat, scrolling for any sort of revealing photos, and wanting to be sucked into a video game to avoid reality. Definitely the hardest day yet.

Day 11

The chaser effect is real and it is dangerous, it comes to me even after having sex. The day immediately after is filled with hard to resist urges, but when I manage to fight them off the urges fade and i feel back on track

I started regularly PMO around the same age in my life (I'm 20 now). I'm trying to quit porn after I became a Christian last year, so no sex before marriage from me. But whenever I stumble and MO, the aftermath with the increased urges is real.

Keep going though! I recommend definitely getting a porn blocker app on all devices and altogether deleting social media if you have to. You can find an accountability partner on these forums (I'd be willing to) to help with that. But it seems like you're doing well! We're watching and rooting for you

Thanks for the reply worldlit, appreciate the words brother. Social media is a trigger for me for sure (especially instagram). I have practically eleminated all social media from my life for a while now and it has been fantastic. When you see people constantly staring at their phones and getting worked up over trivial things that a stranger on the internet said, its very releiving to be free from that trap.

Although social media does have positive aspects about it, these platforms are purposely designed to manipulate you into keeping your attention for as much time as possible. And for that reason, i keep it out of my life as much as possible.

Day 18
Feels like i am making big progress. Urges are coming less and less, and i still feel like i am in somewhat of a flatline. I am thinking about P less, but also sex less. Feels like i have no drive. But i just have to wait for my brain to heal i suppose.
When i see women in real life, i try to see them for their true beauty. Not just as peices of meat. Its hard !
All these years of P watching has really messed me up, but i can already feel myself getting better even after 18 days. Makes me excited to imagine how i will feel around day 90.

Day 46

Havent posted in a while. Urges still exist and i think they always will. I just feel as though ive gained some strength to fight back against the urges.

The thought of allowing M back into my life with no P has come up a lot lately. But ive gone on streaks similar to this before, and that is how i eventually get back into P. I promised myself to wait the full 90 days and then re-evaluate.

What do you guys think about M with no P ? Wouldnt it just activate simular neural pathways due to fantasy and imagination ?

I decided to stop m completely because I noticed for myself personally. It restarts urges again and I usually will get into a loop of m'ing to deal with urges, but eventually it ends in p. I don't think it necessarily reactivates the same pathways, but it is so adjacent that it is so easy to go one step off into p. I wouldn't recommend it. I noticed for myself there is always a chaser and the reason I want to m is often times because i am fantasizing about a girl i met. Something to keep in mind if you decide to do it.

I relapsed.
twice within an hour. Feels bad. I made it 50 full days.

it all started yesterday going on instagram because i was bored at work. one thing led to another, you know how the story goes.
Just have to keep trying and start over again. going to have to do something about the social media, think i will just delete the account.

Day 1

Hey notacornflake,

I'm a bit in a similar situation as you. I have a high sex drive, and the urges come on strong, and I find them difficult to overcome. I don't know if it's a problem for you, as it has been for me, but I would definitely recommend deleting YouTube from your phone or any other devices since there are so many triggers on there; however, I know that YouTube is a handy tool and is fun when it is used correctly, so if this isn't possible, then maybe try signing off of YouTube so that it throws off the pesky algorithm a bit; or maybe enable the restricted mode to block explicitly material. This is what I do.

I also use accountability software (Covenant Eyes) and have an accountability partner. If you really want to build a fence around yourself to avoid pornography, then look into that. You can block websites, maybe even social media sites, if you're feeling really committed. Of course, the real struggle is within. You are your own worst enemy, so don't let a few setbacks defeat you. As I told someone else, imagine someone who commits themselves to the gym and works out 6 months straight and diets properly, but then one-night has a breakdown and eats a donut. Would you say all the hard work they achieved was wasted because of that one donut? Of course not! Think of what you have accomplished and remember the times you have defeated the urges, and then you will remember that they can be defeated and controlled.

Maybe consider taking up a physical hobby. I've found reading a book or doing anything alone in silence doesn't work for me if the urges spring up. I need some physical activity or need to be in others' presence to take my mind off of fantasies. I signed up for jiu-jitsu because I'm hoping the hobby might help me. Good luck! We're here.

Hey bro. Don't think that a couple defeats makes 50 victories meaningless. In my experience, those sorts of consistent victories build up confidence and strength. Just pick yourself up and march on as soon as possible, recovery is much closer now than it was 50 days ago. Don't give up or be discouraged or use defeat as an excuse for P, we've all been in your situation and its much more helpful to forgive yourself, forget, and keep moving. Good luck!

Worldlit and Mikeyp, Thank you guys for your kind words. Seriously appreciate them. It's amazing to be a part of this supportive forum, I'm very grateful.

Day 3

I am definitely proud of my long streak, haven't had one that long in a few years. There is still work to be done.

I have deleted my instagram account, over my 50 day streak, the majority of my urges stemmed from looking at revealing pictures on IG. The algorithms on IG are scary, the more i look at revealing photos, the more revealing photos i saw. It's hard to break the cycle when IG learns what you pay attention to.

During the streak i was going to the gym consistently, eating excellent food, and sleeping very regularly. but towards the end, my gym closed due to the pandemic, i began eating more and more crappy food, and staying up late playing video games. Just lost sight of the reason why i set these goals in the first place.

It's a challenge to find a balance between the good and the bad habits, it's hard to incorporate healthy amounts of both so you don't get affected by the yoyo effect. (Eating clean vs. eating bad. Reading good books vs. playing video games all day. Exercising consistently vs. lounging around all day.) I find i get bored of doing all the good habits, then feel guilty about indulging in the bad ones.

Just about finding balance i suppose.

Relapsed the other day and again today. It is hard when you are first starting out to build momentum.

Day 0

When i was watching P today i saw a scene and i was actually turned off by it. (The guy was being an asshole and degrading the girl). Before my long streak i feel like that scene wouldn't have bothered me very much, but when i saw it today i was turned off. That inspired me to really try and get a long streak going again. Maybe after 90 days i will be even more disgusted !

Hey notacornflake,

What triggered you? I know that I wouldn't have the momentum I have without accountability software. If you can, I would recommend getting it to help prevent relapses. You can block certain websites for a period of time until you feel you're ready.