Hello, community. I don't fully understand yet how to use this forum, but I am fully aware I'm a porn addict and need to do something.
My story: I'm a 44 year old married dad and professional. I started out masturbating to Cinemax soft porn at 16, but fully graduated to hardcore Internet porn around 2003/04 in my mid-20s. At that time I was very lonely, struggling with lack of a relationship, started using escorts, getting "massages," etc. Through therapy I got a lot better self esteem, cut back on that stuff and eventually met my wife and had what I thought was a healthy relationship. But I never stopped using porn. I compartmentalized it, convinced myself it was fine as long as I still had sex with my wife. But if I'm being honest, I was never fully engaged in real sex. When I tried to orgasm I'd be picturing porn scenes I'd watched.
Fast forward to present. Our marriage has been volatile and unhappy for years, and porn became my escape. It's where I went when I was angry, anxious or overwhelmed. What may have started about wanting sexual gratification became something that's only marginally connected to sex. It's my drug. My wife has confronted me about it several times over the years, and I would vow to quit, and maybe I'd cut back for a month or two, but then rebounded even worse. While mostly I go on the free tube sites, I can't even imagine how many thousands and thousands of dollars I have spent on Web cam girls.
But I reached a new low point this past week. While at a playground with my wife and daughter and our friends and their two kids, I noticed that I'd accidentally left a porn scene I'd watched the night before open on my phone browser. I closed it out (or thought I did) and stashed the phone in my pocket. Somehow, in doing that, I instead texted it in a group text with my wife and the friends. My wife noticed it first. The husband laughed it off, but, who knows what he thinks of me now. Mercifully he deleted it from his wife's phone before she saw it.
I was beyond mortified. I still am. And what's really scary is how easily that could have been sent to a co-worker, or placed in our company Slack, by accident, and my career would be over in a heartbeat. My wife is threatening to leave me, but honestly, that's not my primary concern right now. Though I feel terrible for the pain I've caused her.
I want to end this two-decade chapter of shame. Badly. And I know I need to. And yet .. at this very moment, I badly want to click over to PornHub. I'm sure many of you reading this know that feeling. Everything i've read on here and NoFap about the process makes complete sense. But it also seems, at this infant moment in the process, completely impossible. I can't imagine how mentally and physically frustrating it will be to resist my urges for more than a few days, much less 30, 60, 90 or whatever days.
If anyone has any words of wisdom how you did it/are doing it, I'd welcome them with open arms. And even if not, thanks for reading this. I've never before shared this story with anyone but my therapist. Not even my closest friends (save one now) has any idea this is part of my life.
Thanks!
My story: I'm a 44 year old married dad and professional. I started out masturbating to Cinemax soft porn at 16, but fully graduated to hardcore Internet porn around 2003/04 in my mid-20s. At that time I was very lonely, struggling with lack of a relationship, started using escorts, getting "massages," etc. Through therapy I got a lot better self esteem, cut back on that stuff and eventually met my wife and had what I thought was a healthy relationship. But I never stopped using porn. I compartmentalized it, convinced myself it was fine as long as I still had sex with my wife. But if I'm being honest, I was never fully engaged in real sex. When I tried to orgasm I'd be picturing porn scenes I'd watched.
Fast forward to present. Our marriage has been volatile and unhappy for years, and porn became my escape. It's where I went when I was angry, anxious or overwhelmed. What may have started about wanting sexual gratification became something that's only marginally connected to sex. It's my drug. My wife has confronted me about it several times over the years, and I would vow to quit, and maybe I'd cut back for a month or two, but then rebounded even worse. While mostly I go on the free tube sites, I can't even imagine how many thousands and thousands of dollars I have spent on Web cam girls.
But I reached a new low point this past week. While at a playground with my wife and daughter and our friends and their two kids, I noticed that I'd accidentally left a porn scene I'd watched the night before open on my phone browser. I closed it out (or thought I did) and stashed the phone in my pocket. Somehow, in doing that, I instead texted it in a group text with my wife and the friends. My wife noticed it first. The husband laughed it off, but, who knows what he thinks of me now. Mercifully he deleted it from his wife's phone before she saw it.
I was beyond mortified. I still am. And what's really scary is how easily that could have been sent to a co-worker, or placed in our company Slack, by accident, and my career would be over in a heartbeat. My wife is threatening to leave me, but honestly, that's not my primary concern right now. Though I feel terrible for the pain I've caused her.
I want to end this two-decade chapter of shame. Badly. And I know I need to. And yet .. at this very moment, I badly want to click over to PornHub. I'm sure many of you reading this know that feeling. Everything i've read on here and NoFap about the process makes complete sense. But it also seems, at this infant moment in the process, completely impossible. I can't imagine how mentally and physically frustrating it will be to resist my urges for more than a few days, much less 30, 60, 90 or whatever days.
If anyone has any words of wisdom how you did it/are doing it, I'd welcome them with open arms. And even if not, thanks for reading this. I've never before shared this story with anyone but my therapist. Not even my closest friends (save one now) has any idea this is part of my life.
Thanks!