My Evolution of Watching Porn

Most kids born in the mid 90s that grew up during the early 2000s like myself are part of the generation that was first exposed to the ready available anytime internet porn we have. It started off so simple for me and I assume most. I?d look up picture of actresses or celebrities that I thought were hot and I might find a bikini pic or a nip slip. At the time those images were like virtual gold and I was a greedy prince. I wanted more. I ?needed? more. So I would search for the next level...

I started looking up nude images of girls on google and I found them. Eventually that brought to a site called nothingtoxic.com where they would post wild videos from the internet, but they also had a section of soft porn like videos. It?s be a girl doing a striptease and she?d never get fully naked, but she was pretty damn close. At the same time I found a music video of Carmen Electra where she and the girls get naked I forgot what it?s called, but I can definitely remember watching it and masturbating to it multiple times like I was practicing for an audition or some shit. Eventually, like most I got to the good stuff, the stuff most middle school boys wanted to see, the ?real? stuff...

Getting into actual penetration and seeing actual vaginas and penises. Seeing a man and woman have sex was exhilarating, especially when I had never kissed a girl at the time. I?m not going to get into the nit and gritty of these years and porn but it got to a point where I was disgusted with myself after I masturbated to porn. I would clean my computer screen with disinfectant like I was somehow cleansing my soul at the same time. Fast forward to being out of Highschool and in my late teens/early twenties porn started to have no affect I had become desensitized to it. And once you hit that point you start to look for different things to turn you on.

The next phase was nothing crazy for these forums, I?m sure, but I started watching pregnant girl porn and stuck porn because it was different and it gave me a rush, but still, every time after I finished I felt bad. I felt like a let down. I didn?t feel good about myself because when I came down from that rollercoaster of a quick dopamine all that was left was me in my dark room late at night with my thoughts and a cum soaked t-shirt (my ejaculation trash bag of choice). It was all empty. There was no joy from it. It just took my mind of the bad thoughts going through my head at the time. At that point I was unable to masturbate without porn. I do want to say my ?addiction? never interfered with my daily life in terms of going to school, work, and any other obligations. However, it definitely played into my own feelings about myself and how I act towards/feel about women. There?s a lot more j could talk about, but I want to get to my lowest point in this next section then end with where I?m at today.

My lowest point in terms of porn was also at one of the lowest points in my life where I was struggled to find meaning in this weird world. A point where I didn?t have a job and was a few months away from seeing a lonely zero in my bank account. One night I stumbled upon xhamsterlive, a site that has live cam girls where you can buy tokens to tip the girls to do whatever you fancy. I started out just watching, just hoping one of the other sad cucks would tip a girl to do something that I could masturbate too. It was fun. It was different. But it still made me feel lesser everytime I watched it. Eventually I would become one of those sad cucks. I gave in to my high. I felt like a drug addict. My heart was beating faster than I could probably run. My hands started to shake. I made an account and I bought tokens to throw at these girls that couldn?t see me. That just saw a name and dollar signs on a screen. I tipped a girl some tokens and then entered a private chat with her. Upon, the first command I typed out and sent I wanted to throw up. I wanted to throw my phone across the room and disappear into a world where I never did this. Immediately I couldn?t do it anymore. I tipped her the remains tokens and exited the site fo good or so I thought...

Now we?ve arrived to present day. To 2021. To me being a lost 24 year old. I?m gonna keep this quick, but I ended spending three hundred dollars on xhamsterlive in the last month. I gave into the dopamine high. I will say that it was on three separate nights and each time I felt progressively worse. By the time I reached that last night I was numb to the act. There was no adrenaline. Tipping the women to do what I type didn?t bring me any pleasure it just was there. In the back of my head I felt the disgust, but I had given in too far to quit. It was just a chore. A very expensive chore at that. In total from this last month to the first time I spent money on the site, I believe I?ve spent $350 in total. It?s not a crazy amount, but to me it is. To me it?s $350 that could of been spent to better use. To me it?s a reminder of the very act that repulsed me. To me it?s disgusting. It?s something that I wish I could erase, but that?s not how life works. There is no magic eraser. There is no reset button. There is but one life known to me in my opinion. A life that is filled with shame. Even though it?s filled with shame it?s not over and acceptance and progression is the road I?m walking on (or the couch I?m sitting on as I type this).

I just want to conclude by saying I?ve vowed to stop porn because even though I don?t think it?s 100 percent bad, it?s just definitely not something that benefits me. It only hurts me in the end. I came on here because I wanted to talk about my story and connect with others who have gone through similar experiences. I wanted to talk about my evolution into the rollercoaster of watching porn that just ends up with an upset stomach and a hurting mind. I plan to open about this in therapy because I?ve realized that throughout my life porn and sex have played a strong role into the way I live my life. My views have influenced decisions and pounded my subconscious to where I?m ready to fight back. My life growing up in an environment not ideal for a growing child definitely made me more emotionally susceptible to these thoughts and habits, but at the end of the day it?s my choice. I have the willpower to decide. So I?m deciding to be better in this facet of my life along with all the other facets to be a better person for myself.
 

Hgdo78

Member
I totally get the empty feeling after masturbation, it?s like, what was I thinking, my life is it better my problems aren?t gone, my issues are still there why am i doing this over and over for.  Buddy I get you and it?s to here you are out of it, I am also new here and haven?t looked at for 5 days now, studding a lot about it and watching videos of guys talking about personal experiences and scientific videos also.  Keep in touch and stay positive, from what I have read we will have struggle ahead but let?s keep each other on track. 
 
Hgdo78 said:
I totally get the empty feeling after masturbation, it?s like, what was I thinking, my life is it better my problems aren?t gone, my issues are still there why am i doing this over and over for.  Buddy I get you and it?s to here you are out of it, I am also new here and haven?t looked at for 5 days now, studding a lot about it and watching videos of guys talking about personal experiences and scientific videos also.  Keep in touch and stay positive, from what I have read we will have struggle ahead but let?s keep each other on track.

Totally agree man. In the moment it eases whatever your feeling and then immediately after I feel regretful and realize it did nothing. It?s  a tough road for sure. I?m newly off it only for a day but the promise of finally being off it for good and having a clearer head is definitely exciting. Keep me updated on your journey.
 

Hgdo78

Member
Yes no problem, it?s being five days for me. I keep reminding my self of al the thing I have lost and will not get it back if I do it again and for that reason I will not let my guard down.  Yes it will be hard some days, but we will keep each other accountable, post here everyday how you feel or just to let steam off, I will do the same.  Talk tomorrow
 
Hgdo78 said:
Yes no problem, it?s being five days for me. I keep reminding my self of al the thing I have lost and will not get it back if I do it again and for that reason I will not let my guard down.  Yes it will be hard some days, but we will keep each other accountable, post here everyday how you feel or just to let steam off, I will do the same.  Talk tomorrow
I agree man, it really is hard. Hope you succeed.
 

Hgdo78

Member
Today was not a good day, everything that could go wrong went wrong.  Got a big hole on my rubber boots and had to work on 9? of water all day.  The temp her is 1 degrees celcus.  Than I was told that I am not having two more weeks of work I will be lay off today. Than my wife asked me to move away for two month. This is hard to take all in one day. But I am still strong and no porn on site or thoughts.  Since I am not with my wife I am not that worried about not being able to perform in bed.  So the flatline might not go so bad.
 
Hgdo78 said:
Today was not a good day, everything that could go wrong went wrong.  Got a big hole on my rubber boots and had to work on 9? of water all day.  The temp her is 1 degrees celcus.  Than I was told that I am not having two more weeks of work I will be lay off today. Than my wife asked me to move away for two month. This is hard to take all in one day. But I am still strong and no porn on site or thoughts.  Since I am not with my wife I am not that worried about not being able to perform in bed.  So the flatline might not go so bad.

I feel that man. Sometimes it's like we can never catch a break. When we're already low life comes around and knocks us down even more. You're self aware which is good. Keep it going I have faith in the clarity we will have from not giving into those countless quick hits of porn induced dopamine that we are used to. No matter how painful it may seem I've learned it is always better to face the pain than to mask it with quick alleviations that are nothing more than duct tape on a water pipe. Eventually those pipes will burst.
 
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