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Trying to change course

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The Dude Wannabe:
Currently I'm 26 days in.  There have been easy days and not such easy days.  I haven't experienced any "coming out of a fog" or clarity of thought.  I do feel better about myself though.  I appreciate not having to look over my shoulder, always being afraid of being caught.  I appreciate that the relationship between my wife and I might be getting better.  Sex is better. 
    I've got an impossible goal:  To try and make myself worthy.  I've gotten my soul dirty.  My first attempt was to forfeit my life.  It took me a while to realize that is what I did though.  I put myself in the position to save other people while putting myself in peril.  I tried to "buy" my soul back by doing this.  I did it, a bunch.  It wasn't enough.  I was still dead inside; not right; different; damaged.  With some assistance I figured out what I had done and why.  That's when I realized I had a seriously damaged soul.  I've got a LOT of work to do to fix it.  Attempt #1 didn't work. so I'm on attempt #2:  Actually address the problem.  That's why I'm doing this.
     I've had lots done by me and to me sexually.  I'm going to try and put that right.  I don't really know what "normal" is but I'm going to try to get there.  I do know what abnormal is.  Engaging in PMO is abnormal.  Most everything we've ever seen in P is abnormal.  Bringing those things into your relationship is abnormal.
     So I quit.  (Well, ok.  It was 50% this and 50% things coming to a head with my wife.)  My sincere hope is that I'll make my soul healthy again and feel some sort of Divinity come back into me.  I know there is Something out there, but I've been really far away from It for a long time.  I've seen too much bad stuff done in the name of different people's religion to be able to trust organized religion.  I'm hoping the Something comes back to me.  Cleaning out the PMO will hopefully help set the conditions for this to happen.  We'll see.....

lte:
Good to see you, mate. Twenty-six days is a great start. Hang onto that progress and keep healing your brain. The soul will come along for the ride.

The Dude Wannabe:
Good day, pretty much...  I did have some thoughts/memories intrude.  I swept them away quickly.  Spent the day busy, that really helps.  I've developed a stupid habit from an annoying habit.  (well, annoying to everyone else...not so much to me)  I sing little songs, especially to the dogs when no ones around.  I've noticed my stupid little songs have become shockingly dirty lately.  (come on, if I can admit to being addicted to PMO here, I should be able to admit I sing to my dogs... 8))  When I do this it's just rhyming whatever words pop into my head.  Usually they're just cute little songs, but the words just popping into my head lately are fairly naughty.  I don't have Tourette's or anything.  I'm hoping this is just a phase.  Thankfully the dogs are understanding and non-judgmental!  Its just goofy that I'm straightening my stuff out with regards to what I put into my eyes, but what I have flowing out  of my mouth during these stupid little songs is nasty.

lte:

--- Quote from: The Dude Wannabe on March 16, 2014, 07:59:07 PM ---Good day, pretty much...  I did have some thoughts/memories intrude.  I swept them away quickly.  Spent the day busy, that really helps.  I've developed a stupid habit from an annoying habit.  (well, annoying to everyone else...not so much to me)  I sing little songs, especially to the dogs when no ones around.  I've noticed my stupid little songs have become shockingly dirty lately.  (come on, if I can admit to being addicted to PMO here, I should be able to admit I sing to my dogs... 8))  When I do this it's just rhyming whatever words pop into my head.  Usually they're just cute little songs, but the words just popping into my head lately are fairly naughty.  I don't have Tourette's or anything.  I'm hoping this is just a phase.  Thankfully the dogs are understanding and non-judgmental!  Its just goofy that I'm straightening my stuff out with regards to what I put into my eyes, but what I have flowing out  of my mouth during these stupid little songs is nasty.

--- End quote ---
Don't you corrupt those innocent dogs!  :). I do the same thing. My guess is that the dirty lyrics are just a phase.

There once was a man from Nantucket, that
Listened to Gary Puckett
When the Union Gap played, by the
Speaker he stayed, til he
Moved and now lives in Pawtucket.

I bet you thought it would be a dirty limerick.
From reading the very first glimmer; ick!
But the poem turned around
On the high road it's found
So you see, you should not be a cynic. :)

I'm very sick, I can do this stuff all day.  :)

Viper:
Welcome.

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