Journals > Ages 40 and up

Journal - Hope for a better future

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Ryedog:
I have finally come to the realization that I do have a problem with porn and something needs to be done about it. I have been involved with porn for several years now but never considered it to be a problem up until recently.  For the majority of the time that porn has been an issue in my life I have been single so it didnt seem to matter if i watched it or not. Sometimes I would watch it and sometimes I wouldn't. In fact, for the most part I would normally only watch it after getting high on meth and in those situations I would be checking porn sites out for hours and hours.  I know what your thinking and yes I do have issues with drugs too. Lets just stick to pornography for now though. I have been in a relationship for the past 8 years with someone who despises pornography and will not have it in her life. Our relationship is great, for the most part, and I am a much better person in many aspects with her in my life. I would be a fool to do anything which might destroy this relationship but continue to risk it all anyways. I have been caught many times during our years together with porn either on my computer or phone. She has told me repeatedly that this is unacceptable and if I want to continue living that way I would eventually be doing it without her by my side. The relationship would end and I could go on my merry way. But even with that Ive continually  gone back to the porn knowing that I could lose the most important thing in my life over it. How do I stop this? What do I need to do?

SerenityWisdomCourage:
Thank you Roark!

Just take it as a workout for your ability to resist temptations. :-) - I love that.

Grateful to have gone 52 days, no PMO - Feeling strong today!

SerenityWisdomCourage:
Hey Ryedog, Thanks for being honest and vulnerable... Taking the action of writing about it, and admitting I have a problem has launched me into recovery.

This is how I think about it, it may not be this way with you; It's like a circle, I tell myself not to ___ whatever, that it will hurt the people I love and myself, and then in a few hours or days I come up with a lame excuse, and do it anyway - I am burdened with regret, shame and guilt - and I repeat the cycle until I get caught, or the consequences crush me.

My experience with porn and casual sex is that circle. On Dec 31st, I had an opportunity to behave differently after watching some YT videos - Gabe, and others motivated me to take a chance and abstain. Also, I got down on my knees and prayed to the Universe and God to please help me. That I've tried to control this alone, and it never works for long.

I honestly believe that surrender is the only way to win - it sounds backwards, but I can't fight PMO and I can't fight hooking up.
I start my day by asking for help and one day at a time I have had success so far...

Never Give up, we are all deserving of a worthwhile life!

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