Author Topic: Journal - laneboy  (Read 2198 times)

laneboy

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Journal - laneboy
« on: October 15, 2020, 09:43:25 AM »
Hello everybody,

I'm here because I started watching porn i think 10 years ago. I say "I think" because i'm not sure. What I know is that it started really slowly, even if it started with high speed porn. At the time I was confused by my sexuality, I thought i was gay (now I know I'm bi) and I used porn to hide myself and my sexuality in front of others.
I don't remember when it became a routine, but that is what happened. And I think I increased my "tolerance" (I don't know how else to say that but I think you know what I mean).
Last year, I first realized I could have a problem with porn: I had my first boyfriend, and I couldn't get physically fully aroused, but mentally I was. The first time I blamed it on anxiety. It happened again, I blamed it on something else. And so on. Then I decided to stop porn, I made it for a week or two, I relapsed. It happened few times, I think because I was not fully convinced about my porn addiction.
Now I am. The last time I had sex I could not get aroused, by nothing my (now) ex-boyfriend made, and I found this site and YBOP.
Today is the 12th day without porn, and I feel like I'm doing nothing that improved my condition. It was extremely hard these days because I have to study on my PC and porn is just one new window away.
Thank you for reading this, please for today I need suggestion on how to face this huge unavoidable trigger.
« Last Edit: February 01, 2021, 05:45:22 AM by laneboy »

Legend

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2020, 12:31:23 PM »
Try a service like Covenant eyes. If your computer is your main trigger point, it's best to alter the availability of websites since you are always one click away from a setback.

davideyar

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2020, 12:34:47 PM »
Hello man. Welcome to RN. One thing that helps me avoid porn is always keeping in mind what harm it can do to you and remembering what it has already done to your (sex) life. When I get the urge to view porn, I always always try to think of what the bad effects it would have on me if I clicked on it right then and there. That usually does the trick and it stops me from clicking altogether.

Taking a break when you have the urge also helps. Maybe your brain is just tired from studying and it's looking for some stimulus but you must not give it a sexual stimulus like porn. Go do some stretching and a little workout for some physical stimulus instead. Hope this helps!

We're close together as well I'm on day 16. Good luck bro!

davideyar

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2020, 09:43:38 AM »
It's not a relapse because at least you're getting rid of potential triggers in the future. :)

Yes, you should have a counter something. I use a calendar I got from a grocery store in January. There's a certain satisfaction in crossing off a day of NoPMO, in my opinion. When you see a visual representation of your progress, it helps with keeping the streak up.

davideyar

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2020, 08:52:49 AM »
Nice bro. Spontaneous erections means that you're heading to the right direction. Keep it up!

davideyar

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2020, 08:52:47 AM »
Yeah. Sleeping is so hard to do haha

Congratulations on three weeks bro. Let's all stay strong!

anubu0

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #6 on: October 27, 2020, 11:22:40 PM »
Hey lane!

Congrats on your journey so far. Stay strong. I noticed that too: when I get a good nights rest, the urges are a lot easier to contain and a lot less frequent. Keep at it and try to get 9-10 hours every night.

Best of luck!

laneboy

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2020, 12:46:34 PM »
Day 28

I've worked so hard on my homework I don't know how I am anymore.

davideyar

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2020, 12:29:38 AM »
Almost day a month of noPMO, my friend. Congratulations! Let's keep at it. :)

TimeToFaceReality

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2020, 10:36:52 AM »
Congratulations on Day 30! That's amazing.

anubu0

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2020, 11:29:46 AM »
Those are some good points. I often mind myself scrambling to the forum when I have nothing to do, or even when I'm supposed to be doing something else. I think this is fine though, especially during the early stages of one's reboot. Spending a lot of time reading success stories and other people and what they're going through helps you persevere. Once you hit day 90ish and feel like you've detached well enough from p, then go ahead and distance yourself from the forum if you want. Just my two cents.

anubu0

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2020, 12:08:16 AM »
Yeah porn flashbacks fucking suck. What I do is just focus on something else. I don't close my eyes, instead I focus on anything in my room. Keep going strong you're killing it.

TimeToFaceReality

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #12 on: November 08, 2020, 08:16:34 PM »
I've had to try to stop sleeping on my stomach as well. It's weird how many little things we never thought about before can be triggering!

davideyar

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2020, 04:33:44 AM »
I relate so much with feeling like I chose the wrong educational path. After I was done with my bachelor's degree, I slowly realized that it wasn't for me. I do love Psychology but it is a more people oriented profession which I knew even back then that I'm not really the best at. I did learn a lot but at the end of the day, it's not what I wanted to do.

I don't really know what to say since I'm in the same boat as well but I suggest finishing the degree. At least you have something to fall back on as you are figuring out what you want to do.

TimeToFaceReality

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2020, 12:22:43 PM »
I also relate to taking an educational path that doesn't align with what you want your life to look like. I got a bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering and realized that my values don't align with anything the industry in my country is doing.

I'm at the beginning of this journey, too. Of thinking more holistically about what I want my life to look like. Over the last month, I've discovered that I like to regularly have new experiences and I like there to be a deep sense of meaning in the work I do. I get bored easily and I also connect to people really well. I'm realizing that making life decisions on these things we can learn about ourselves and how we operate and what kind of environment we feel comfortable in might lead us down more fulfilling paths. And it's okay to redefine yourself and step onto a new path whenever you want to.

Good luck, friend. I believe in you.

wwalker19

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #15 on: November 12, 2020, 09:22:54 AM »
Hey Laneboy, I know you said you should be feeling proud but you're not.  So let me tell you.  You're KILLING it!  Seriously, you're doing so well in your recovery and don't tell yourself otherwise. 

As for career paths, if you think you'd like teaching, don't toss it out thinking it doesn't pay much.  If you're in the U.S, depending on the State you can make very good money.  In the northeast you can start at 55 or 60, and if you get a Master's of PhD your salary will increase by a good chunk.  On top of that, most schools pay more the longer you've been teaching, so if you stick around for 10 years or so you could be making 75 or so.  With summers and holidays off no less.

Again, it depends on your state, but Physics is very in demand and you'd have a choice of many excellent schools.  Just an option.

Source: Master's in Ed Policy

TimeToFaceReality

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2020, 06:41:14 PM »
Im so sorry to hear that. :( I can imagine this week was not easy for you at all. I'm proud of you for staying true to yourself. I wish you all the healing in the world.

Do or die

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #17 on: November 25, 2020, 09:58:46 AM »
Day 54 is best. Congratulations
Its not about stopping. Its about accepting that you have stopped.

zander13

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #18 on: November 26, 2020, 02:56:14 AM »
don't trust those erections as pure libido. my guess is that they're still porn-related. i get random erections at weird parts of the day and i've come to realize that they are a manifestation of pmo habits. there is a reason they occur at certain times of the day.

your brain will use innocent masturbation urges as a gateway to porn. don't MO at all. just stay away from self-stimulation for now. leave all that in the rearview for a couple years. don't test the waters at all--it's safer that way.

laneboy

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #19 on: December 02, 2020, 01:13:36 PM »
Day 61

Everything is as usual

worldlit4213

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #20 on: December 18, 2020, 12:37:46 AM »
Don't worry brother, just keep going and be cautious for the next several days. The chaser effect is real and you'll probably be hit with more temptations in the coming days after an MO. But keep up the streak and find recovery!

Chris Oz

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #21 on: December 24, 2020, 06:22:01 AM »
Hey laneboy, you're doing great. I want to say that social media is not easy to really cut off totally... It's just part of our lives now. We can try to do more mindful browsing and cut off those networks that don't add anything to out lives and just waste time. Also those that are maybe trigger us too much.

I think in the case of the latter it comes down to the people we follow. If you follow the right people more, you'd see less triggering stuff. And you'd still be able to connect and do the more important stuff online.
My abstinence is 0+ days currently

Gambitchco

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #22 on: December 24, 2020, 09:13:42 PM »
I felt amazing, and that gave me the boost to work more on my exam’s homeworks.

Chris Oz

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #23 on: January 03, 2021, 04:47:56 PM »
I feel what you feel. I've been there too.  Just going through profiles and see new faces, that novelty makes my mind race to old habits to see something nude and a little bit erotic which later spirals out of control.

My abstinence is 0+ days currently

laneboy

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Re: Journal - laneboy
« Reply #24 on: January 03, 2021, 05:34:52 PM »
Thank you chris for your support :)