Journal to end a Decade of Addiction

jolsen

New Member
I don't even know where to begin.

First, I need an accountability partner. This is a new concept to me because I am the type of person that doesn't easily accept help or open myself to others. I am very independent, probably because my parents divorced when I was 15 and ever since I've never really looked to anyone for support or guidance. I'm open to giving and accepting help because in the area of porn addiction I am failing miserably.

I fell into the addiction when I had turned 15 years old. I have grown up Christian, and so frequently I was warned about the destructiveness of pornography. It didn't really click with me though because I didn't view it. Unfortunately, being a teenager, curiosity got the best of me and I started spending a lot of time on the internet when no one was at home. I viewed it for about a year not having any regrets or thinking that I should stop, until one day I started viewing videos that were more hardcore than I had previously done. This bothered me a lot and so I decided that I wouldn't view it anymore. I made it a whole month without viewing and masturbating until I eventually gave in. For the next 3 years it was horrible cycle of stopping for a week or two and then falling back into it. At the age of 19 I decided to go on a mission for my Church. Being so busy with that I was able to abstain from porn and masturbation for the next 2 1/2 years (although at times it was almost unbearable). I thought I had defeated it, I thought my porn watching days were over, but sure enough I gave into the addiction and started viewing it again at age 21.

I am now 25 years old, have been married for almost 3 years, and I am still dealing with this porn/masturbation addiction. I need to reset my brain so badly because it is destroying me personally, and I don't want it to end up destroying my marriage. I fortunately do not suffer any issues with getting an erection for sex. Sometimes it's a little more challenging than normal, but not a persistent problem. However, I am worried with reading about the possibility of it happening.

I am giving this journal and forum a chance, and I want to rewire my brain. I want to be a good supporter of others as well. Right now I'm feeling pretty down, which usually causes me stress and then relapse, but I want to work towards 100 days without incident (no porn. no masturbating). I have a lot more feelings to share as well, but will save them for another entry soon.
 

jolsen

New Member
Day 4 of Reboot:

Almost relapsed today, but decided instead to get on this forum. I have every intention of trying to avoid anything that tempts to look at porn, but there's always some image, some ad, some movie where images are shown that puts the thought in my head. It always starts with this little thought that seems so harmless and I don't really even notice it. My mind begins to decide when and where will be the next good time to watch porn or masturbate, and then once I have that in my head it's almost impossible to decide against it. That's what happened today, just minding my own business and an ad pops up on some site that hooks my interest. Instead of trying to put it out of my mind, by habit/need I decided to follow it. When it didn't give me the result I had hoped for I decided that I needed to revisit some of the sites that I knew would give me the satisfaction I was looking for. That's when I noticed where it all was going, disappointment in myself and having to restart my reboot only after a few days of success. Then the real struggle came...my urges tried telling me that I didn't care about rebooting. I can always reboot tomorrow and then everything will be fine again. It's like having a little devil on my shoulder haha, only there's no angel on the other side telling me not to...at least not right now. The only thing that stopped me from giving in was sheer will power.

Sometimes I imagine trying to quit like climbing out of a well. The water at the bottom is so warm, but I know that eventually I will sink if I don't try to get out. Finally I start climbing, making success at first, and then the cold sets in. The warm water is gone, and I'm far from reaching the top. My hands are cold, I'm shivering, and it's difficult to hang onto the sides. I want out of the well, but I want so badly just to be warm again. So I fall back...and for a short time I'm satisfied because I'm no longer cold. But soon I see the reality again, I'm still stuck in a well.

By the way, if anyone wants a forum partner I'm still looking. I have to go to a BBQ now, or otherwise i'd start looking but i'll have to do more searching another time.
 

jolsen

New Member
Day 9:

Phew, made it for more than a week. Though I must admit, the urges are EXTREMELY strong right now and I had to get on and update or else I would for sure relapse. This morning I was doing my normal routine on my phone where I check my emails, check Facebook, etc etc. Then this thought popped into my head, "you should just skim a few pics...don't masturbate, and don't look at any full nudity, just something a little sensual to satiate your appetite." So for a few minutes I started browsing my wallpaper backgrounds, just teasing myself...and then I remembered where it would all lead eventually. So I stopped myself, but paid the price for the rest of the day because I wanted so badly to just act on the thought, "It's just one more time. Is one relapse really going to set you back?" Geez it's like I'm bipolar. One minute I'm all gung ho about no PMO, and the next I'm trying to relapse lol.

I also need to unload about something that's been eating at me for the past year, which has led to a pretty big decision I recently made. It's not exactly related to my addiction, but is also a cause for stress right now. To start: I was raised Mormon, have great active Mormon friends, went on a mission, came back and married in the temple. I struggled with porn before and after going on a mission (not during, thankfully...well, honestly it was a huge struggle but one that I never gave into). I have enjoyed a few weeks here and there since being married where I felt I was able to control it, then it would creep back into my life. I confessed to my wife before we were married, and we got it "resolved." A few months after I fell back into it. I told her and she was concerned, but very supportive and we worked through it again. Recently, it's become an issue again, and really starting to concern me, which is why i'm on this forum. The difference now though is that I'm not quitting to maintain spiritual health, I'm quitting to heal myself emotionally and mentally.

I started going back to school a year and a half ago, and my major is in Biology. Since I started school, the religious lifestyle gradually became less central to my life and I stopped regularly praying and reading. Learning about evolution certainly got me questioning my beliefs, but what really rocked my boat was taking a Humanities class. Talk about an eye opener! I couldn't believe how ignorant I was to the different cultures of humans throughout our history, and just how similar all of our beliefs are. Sure, evolution is a strong argument against any basic religious beliefs, but to me, comparing the cultures and beliefs that occur in civilizations who had no contact with each other was shocking. The majority have an obsession with what happens after death, and also have a belief system so they'll rack up kudos for the afterlife. Yes, there are major difference in the details, but when you look at the basics of the thousands of different beliefs across different cultures, they are the same at their root? Why? It probably has something to do with evolution. Before, we were so preoccupied hunting and gathering that our only obsession were the animals and foods that were killed or collected. Why do you see so many cave paintings from thousands of years ago of mammoths and other prehistoric animals? It's because all their time and energy was focused on killing those animals and using them as resources. That was their religion and they recorded it. Then we started planting and harvesting, which provided a better supply of food and nutrition. Better social structures were created as humans became less nomadic and more civilized. Brain capacity increased over time as well, and life became less about survival and moving and more about... what? Thinking, inventing, purpose, etc. Humans were no longer satisfied with just survival, we wanted explanations and answers to things we didn't understand. And so to fill this emptiness of unknown, systems of belief were invented to satiate the questions that troubled our minds, "What happens when I die?"

Forgive me for speaking in tangents. Ultimately, I have decided that I no longer believe in Mormonism/religion as a whole. I don't believe in the God that I used to, or anyone else's God. I am open to understanding the best of human nature, and if in that process I discover for myself a knowledge of something higher, then so be it. I have no hard feelings for my friends or family who are still active in their beliefs. I don't have any hard feelings against Mormonism, they have some great organizations that do a lot of good for a lot of people around the world. This I've seen firsthand. But, I just can no longer believe in something half-heartedly. If "sin" is real, then I think it would be a worse sin to pretend believing on the outside and hide my doubt on the inside, than to admit my disbelief and focus on being the best person I can be for others. This has been on my mind 24/7 the past few weeks as I've struggled to decide what I need to do, mostly because my wife still believes and her whole family is pretty strong in the Church as well. I am sick thinking of how she will feel when I break the news to her. I wouldn't be surprised if she was devastated. It kills me to think about her possibly being affected like that, but she should know where I stand regardless.

I'm scared to start this new path for myself. The old way of thinking that I've been raised in for the past 25 years wants to continue like normal. I think for a while I may still catch myself thinking about how my addiction is a sin, but ultimately I believe that way of thinking will do more harm than good for me. It's nice to understand porn and masturbation as a mental, emotional, and physical addiction, and not as something that will condemn me to hell. I feel like I have more control and say because I'm no longer pleasing the God of the universe, I'm only helping myself and improving my relationships.
 

jolsen

New Member
Day 10:

This week has been particularly hard because I have the week off of work, so I've been trying to keep myself busy with all this free time I have. Today I road my bicycle for 30 miles while my wife was helping to babysit her relative. I knew if I just stayed home I would have a very difficult time keeping myself from relapsing. I've learned that the second I start to feel control over my addiction, I get too comfortable. I stop being vigilant about avoiding triggers. It's ironic because even though I feel stronger, better, and more accomplished than I have for a while, the urges are not any less strong. Being on 10 days with no PMO'ing has made me want to have sex more often with my wife. I'm becoming more aware of where my weaknesses and triggers are and can avoid them more easily. Making even one right decision leads to more right decisions, but making
that one wrong decision turns into a slippery slope.

Also, I read through some of the posts the past couple of days and haven't found anyone who doesn't have an Accountability Partner...I'm still looking, but if anyone is looking as well let's support each other.
 

Promise

Well-Known Member
Hi jolsen, sounds like you've been through a lot, an you've been through a certain mental transformation that has changed the way that you view your addiction.  That's a good thing for quitting porn, my whole perspective has changed since I've come on this forum.  I've managed to cut down a lot, and now I feel as though I can make the change for good.

It's interesting you talk about evolution, as that has a fair amount to do with why we get addicted in the first place.  You mentioned we had to focus on hunting and gathering, and our tribes (incidentally, some anthropologists believe religion developed as a way to strengthen unity within tribes, but that's a bit of a digression :p ) and we never had the superstimuli that we have today.  Your brain just wasn't prepared for those massive and continual shots of dopamine.

I take it you've visited www.yourbrainonporn.com and read up on the articles?  It helps to be equipped with the understanding of what is actually happening to your brain during addiction.  For example you mentioned looking at some of your backgrounds, skimming a few pics etc. to 'satiate your appetite'.  Unfortunately, as you probably well know, it doesn't work that way.  Your brain is addicted to the dopamine spikes, and it uses porn to provoke said spikes.  Peeking at provocative images, even non-nude ones will cause your dopamine to spike higher than natural levels and will strengthen the neural pathways that cause your addiction (excuse the pseudo-science, I'm not a scientist, I've just been lurking and reading about this stuff).

Triggers can't be avoided.  It's as simple as that.  Unless you want to live as a monk in a cave, you'll see provocative images, things which remind you of your porn habits, maybe even have a flashback to one of your favourite scenes.  It's how you deal with these triggers that counts.  See an image on an article you're reading?  Scroll past it.  Your friend has posted a nice picture of herself on facebook?  Hide it.  This article is altogether raunchier than you'd expected?  Close the tab.  If you see something in the street that catches your eye, just turn away.  And don't feel guilty about it, it's just human nature, and guilt doesn't help.  It takes some mental fortitude, but when you can get in the habit of telling your brain 'No.' it gets easier.  When images pop in your head, don't entertain them, just let them float away and dissipate.


"Making even one right decision leads to more right decisions, but making that one wrong decision turns into a slippery slope."
This is very true, seems like you've identified most of the things I've been talking about and found your own pitfalls and learned to avoid them.  It makes a reboot much easier if you know how to shut down your triggers.

Congrats on getting so far, you're definitely on the right track.  I'll follow your journal, feel free to look at mine if you want :)
 

skrodriguez

Member
Promise, I really liked this last post. It was a reminder to me of how to deal with the stimulus when it comes along. Great job, great post.
 

jsorsen62

New Member
Hello jolsen, I am too trying to recover from porn addiction, for the past few months it seems like I cant go longer than 3 weeks before I relapse, maybe we could be accountability partners for each other, if your interested respond to post.  Link below

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=18091.0
 
Hey man, I just read your journal. First of all, it?s great to hear that you?re trying to get rid of this addiction and want to stay clean. That?s a good first step. Because with addiction, many of us fail to realise that we?re addicts in the first place. So you?ve taken a big step in the right direction.

I believe that you can do it since you mention you?ve went long periods without porn so don?t worry about the details a lot. Just take it one day at a time. I would suggest that you take up some good habits. Keeping busy always helps. Take up a few extra classes, swimming, exercise, meditation or anything that floats your boat. The key here is trying to fill up all the free time left from not watching porn by taking up some good habits. It?ll help you stay on track better.

I also read that you mentioned you?ve been independent since 15 because your parents split. I feel you on that man. My parents have a similar situation and even I?ve always thought anything I have to do, I have to do it by myself. That feeling of independence never goes away, but you can learn to trust your close friends or your wife. Opening up to someone occasionally goes a long way! Trust me on that. I don?t mean carry your heart on your sleeve but maybe try to rely on someone for small things here and there and see how it feels.

I?m also sad that you?re struggling with your faith in religion. I wouldn?t call myself a religious person but I do believe that there?s more to it than we know and if anyone asked me to go to a church or a temple, I?d go with them and take a moment to appreciate everything. Sometimes that?s all we can/should do. Don?t worry though, if you put your point of view of across I?m sure the people around you will understand why you?re struggling with your beliefs, there?s no harm in it.

I hope this helps a bit. Congrats on staying clean for 10 days. That?s great! You can do it. Read other people?s journals here, this site has some great guys and their stories will definitely motivate you to stay on track. Take care man and good luck on your journey!
 
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