A Reboot To Boot

Sigh.

A little about myself:

- I'm 23, unemployed, directionless, and living with my parents. I often feel like I ate a little too much.

- I have hours of free time, but I'm entirely unproductive. When I first moved home I had a decent morning routine where I meditated, worked out, and took a cold shower. But then I did nothing for the rest of the day. And that was a relatively good period compared to now. Now I have a hard time getting out of bed some mornings.

- I have few friends. I'm terrible at creating lasting relationships with my peers. Maybe it's because I tend to be socially awkward, or because I'm over-critical and push people away for being imperfect. Either way, I need a better social life.

- I also hooked to the computer. It's not porn. In fact, I quit porn months ago, and it hasn't really been a problem since then. But I still spend hours on social media and news sites. It give me a mental buzz - something to fill the hours and distract me from my goals.

I don't know if all of these problems stem from porn, but I do believe masturbation in the largest sense of the word -- a process of self-gratification through superficial means -- is a large reason why I'm not where I want to be in life.

But today that changes.

Quitting porn was a big step, but I have a lot of work to do in the second, more important part of this process, which is creating positive replacements for old, bad habits.

Until tomorrow. Cheers.

More2Fappreciate said:

Sigh.

A little about myself:

- I'm 23, unemployed, directionless, and living with my parents. I often feel like I ate a little too much.

Click to expand...

hahahaha hahah what a way to present yourself  ;D ;D ;D

so you stopped PMO but kept MOing?

i agree that too much MO can drain you from your energy and make you lifeless and unmotivated to move forward.

Thanks, Numez.

Yes, I still MO occasionally. Quitting porn was actually easy for me, and it completely reversed my PIED. But this improvement only makes me wonder what would happen if I quit everything for a few months.

Today is day two, and already things are a little better. I had a good morning workout, and then an interview for a temporary job. Fingers crossed.

My primary goal for today is to read. I have a big stack of books I've been putting off. I suppose the perfect time to quit procrastinating is now.

Cheers,

Good to know you are working on this.

Make getting a job a priority. Trust me when I say it helps with giving some direction to your life and some purpose for it.
It also keeps your mind and body busy with something and that helps too.

It can be a temporary job while you find something better. And you don?t need to stay in it forever either.

Day 3:

Nothing really new to report, other than one small success.

Today I had an urge. And with that urge came the usual rationalizations for why I should satisfy myself: it didn't matter; it's only my third day; it wouldn't be such a disappointment if I had to start over.

But then suddenly I felt serene, as if a cloud of fear and anxiety just blew away with the wind. There was a familiarity with the sensation too, like it might have been something I felt all the time when I was younger and not so obsessed with myself. It was a simple joy.

And then my urge went away.

yeah this happens if you dont satisfy an urge. sometimes it can get ugly too. either way an urge dont last forever and in the end you feel good about yourself afterwards  8)

It's good you got past that urge. Remember how it felt to say no to the mammalian/caveman instinct, it will help you in the future. Definitely make it a priority to get a job, and to get out of bed each morning...especially when you don't want to.

Thanks for the support, everyone!

Notes on Day Four:

Overall today was a good day. I landed two temporary jobs, the first of which starts Wednesday and runs until Christmas Eve, the second of which begins shortly after Christmas.

I also read about 70 pages in my book, which feels good.

Now for the bad part. I'm guilty of edging. I've done it for the past few days, especially today, though never enough to orgasm.

To some degree I'm disappointed, but mostly I feel good. This is the same way I started past attempts -- I would edge a little bit here and there until I built up a tally. Then about two weeks into the challenge, feeling good about my progress with P and O, I would quit M altogether. At that point I would enter a mode where I wouldn't even think about sex. If it popped up in my mind then I would instinctively take three deep breaths and focus on the present moment.

This mode is when most change occurs, not just in terms of PIED recovery but also in terms of answering difficult life questions. I would start asking myself, How do I view women? What do I expect from them? Would I really be happier if my porn-like fantasies came true?

So I guess what I'm getting at is this: It's difficult for me to start a no-fap stint, but easy for me to continue one. The reason is on day two, there's not much at stake. If I relapse, I could be back to day two in no time. But if I'm on day 25, then there's no way in hell I'm touching my member. There's too much to lose.

Something to work on, I suppose.

Notes for Day 6:

Today I edged for about an hour. It was bad. In hindsight, I wish I stopped before I started. But I managed to fight it off, and eventually decided to go for a run instead. My balls hurt like crazy but, you know, it's a good hurt.

One thing I've been trying to pay attention to over the past 9 months is what I fantasize about when I masturbate or edge. Last winter, most of my fantasies involved elements of porn. They had the same cast of bodacious characters, and they had the same, distant coldness about them. For example, I wouldn't imagine the warmth or texture of a woman's skin. I would just see a picture. Over time, however, this began to change, and now if I do edge - which is something I'm trying to quit - I imagine more tactile aspects of intimacy, and the woman isn't a porn star but is a real person I met. But you know what? It's still not there! There are still aspects of porn defiling my dreams. And at the base of it, they're still just fantasies. With this in mind, I've decided to quit edging and fantasizing as well. I realize going "hard mode" might exhaust my willpower quickly, but I think the more time with absolutely NO sexual stimulation the better. Plus, I think there's something to that idea of making a 100% rule, which is easier to keep than a 95% one with some leniency.

We'll see how it goes.