I decided to start a thread specifically for those on the longer road to relationship recovery and recovering from d-day. The hope is that this can be a safe place to discuss the highs and lows without judgement or assumption that your spouse isn't "grateful":
Highs:
My husband has really taken it upon himself to show interest in me. I find that he is listening, truly listening, when I talk and incorporating what he hears into our experiences. For my birthday, he really took time to think about his gifts and got me things that were meaningful.
We have some really good conversations - that have zero to do with porn addiction recovery, marriage rebuilding, etc. We are finally just talking about 'nothing'. For so long, every single conversation focused on where we were, either as a couple or in our individual recovery efforts, we are finally reaching a point where normal conversations happen just as easily.
For the first time in a long time, my husband is making sure I take care of myself. I didn't for a long time, especially the early stages in this recovery. It actually feels weird sometimes, but I am getting used to it - LOL.
We have some nice family trips scheduled as well as some plans for just the two of us.
Lows/Triggers:
We just had the one year anniversary for when my husband physically acted out by going to a massage parlor and visited hook up websites (thankfully he didn't actually hook up with anyone). That was a larger trigger than I even admitted to myself until I felt myself raging in my mind. I didn't blow up on my husband, but I found myself really confused. I was being more trusting and open and when we hit that timeline I felt crazy for trusting someone that crossed a line I had said would lead to divorce if we got married. It really snuck up on me and I was surprised by not only an emotional, but even a physical reaction to the trigger. I ended up with a pretty big headache!
Things I am Working On:
I am working on not having anger be my primary emotion when handling a trigger. I am working to figure out how to allow myself to validate my feelings, but it not make me take a step back in the relationship. I know WHY I am doing it and that is completely self preservation. I know what it was like for me following d-day, and my mind is doing its job in protecting me from going through a valley that low again. My husband understands, it is smart to protect myself until he has had time to fully regain my trust. I will say, he did GREAT in handling my triggering experience. His previous self would have just went into a shell and said nothing. This time, he really tried to stay present and just love me through my pain.
Another thing I am working on is how to handle my steps forward. In the past, when I really boasted to my husband about how I was regaining my trust in him or feeling better, he interpreted that as a sign of being 'finished'. He would be like, "great, we are good now". It was hard for him to see that a step forward was not the finish line. So, I have been a bit more reserved in letting him know how good I am feeling about things. I really want to figure out how to express to him things are going better, but they aren't finished.
My 'Score'
I would say on a scale of 1-10, I would place myself at about a 7, but I fluctuate between 6 and 7 regularly. I think I am at a place where it is going to take a significant amount of growth before I move up to an 8. I have to say, my "6.5" actually feels really good considering I haven't yet hit the year mark, that will happen in about eight weeks.
I still have a lot of healing to do, I lot of self reflection. I did a couple of things. One thing I did was buy a 5-year journal. You do one question a day for a year. Then, you answer that same question on the same day the next four years. I am looking forward to seeing how my answers change as the years go on. I also purchased myself some doodling journals. I am also trying to get to the gym more.
So - how about others on the long road?
Highs:
My husband has really taken it upon himself to show interest in me. I find that he is listening, truly listening, when I talk and incorporating what he hears into our experiences. For my birthday, he really took time to think about his gifts and got me things that were meaningful.
We have some really good conversations - that have zero to do with porn addiction recovery, marriage rebuilding, etc. We are finally just talking about 'nothing'. For so long, every single conversation focused on where we were, either as a couple or in our individual recovery efforts, we are finally reaching a point where normal conversations happen just as easily.
For the first time in a long time, my husband is making sure I take care of myself. I didn't for a long time, especially the early stages in this recovery. It actually feels weird sometimes, but I am getting used to it - LOL.
We have some nice family trips scheduled as well as some plans for just the two of us.
Lows/Triggers:
We just had the one year anniversary for when my husband physically acted out by going to a massage parlor and visited hook up websites (thankfully he didn't actually hook up with anyone). That was a larger trigger than I even admitted to myself until I felt myself raging in my mind. I didn't blow up on my husband, but I found myself really confused. I was being more trusting and open and when we hit that timeline I felt crazy for trusting someone that crossed a line I had said would lead to divorce if we got married. It really snuck up on me and I was surprised by not only an emotional, but even a physical reaction to the trigger. I ended up with a pretty big headache!
Things I am Working On:
I am working on not having anger be my primary emotion when handling a trigger. I am working to figure out how to allow myself to validate my feelings, but it not make me take a step back in the relationship. I know WHY I am doing it and that is completely self preservation. I know what it was like for me following d-day, and my mind is doing its job in protecting me from going through a valley that low again. My husband understands, it is smart to protect myself until he has had time to fully regain my trust. I will say, he did GREAT in handling my triggering experience. His previous self would have just went into a shell and said nothing. This time, he really tried to stay present and just love me through my pain.
Another thing I am working on is how to handle my steps forward. In the past, when I really boasted to my husband about how I was regaining my trust in him or feeling better, he interpreted that as a sign of being 'finished'. He would be like, "great, we are good now". It was hard for him to see that a step forward was not the finish line. So, I have been a bit more reserved in letting him know how good I am feeling about things. I really want to figure out how to express to him things are going better, but they aren't finished.
My 'Score'
I would say on a scale of 1-10, I would place myself at about a 7, but I fluctuate between 6 and 7 regularly. I think I am at a place where it is going to take a significant amount of growth before I move up to an 8. I have to say, my "6.5" actually feels really good considering I haven't yet hit the year mark, that will happen in about eight weeks.
I still have a lot of healing to do, I lot of self reflection. I did a couple of things. One thing I did was buy a 5-year journal. You do one question a day for a year. Then, you answer that same question on the same day the next four years. I am looking forward to seeing how my answers change as the years go on. I also purchased myself some doodling journals. I am also trying to get to the gym more.
So - how about others on the long road?