Reboot Nation Forum > Partners of Rebooters and Addicts

Feeling discouraged


Maybe I'm putting in too much time online lately. Everything I read is so disheartening. I have given up on men and relationships years ago because I new I could probaly never survive another heartbreak. When I met my SO he was so special and unlike all the others that I let down my guards and fell in love. Now I'm broken all over again and I don't know how to have faith in my relationship. I think I suffer from PTSD and the online statistics are only making things worse. One side of me knows that he isn't like anyone else I've ever known so his methods of dealing with addiction probaly won't be the same either. The other side of me says that I'm believing in a false reality like I have done befor and I'm probaly going to suffer unimaginably for it. So if anyone can give me some real facts on a realistic timeframe to give him and if I can have faith that a man wouldnt realy choose porn if he knew it would leave his kids with a unstable mother and a lost relationship.

None of us here can speak for how your husband is dealing with this.  I understand where you are coming from because we would all like a guarantee that we are the one and only beloved of our husband so there will be no more choosing porn over us. 

As I have said before, for us a daily routine that we stuck with for us having physical contact worked best.  We kissed good morning and  conversation, it would be "Are you ok".  We arranged to eat lunch everyday.  This also involved kiss hello and kiss goodbye. If we go out to eat, we sit next to each other.  Even in a booth.  At night, we are in bed together at the same time.  We have a night time snuggle, every night.  Wrapping arms around each other.  We kiss good night. 

We sit together on the couch.  We hold hands.  We talk.  These things gave both of us the security we needed.  It also let us know we were working through this together.  We started this pretty much at the beginning because of what we had read.  There were times when things were heated or I was down the rabbit hole mad or sad that this was NOT comfortable.  And the same emotions for him.  We did it anyway.  When I look back, I do not know how I had the strength some days.  Some days I had to look at him and say, I love you anyway.  And there were days that we were both emotionally drained, I would ask myself, "What does he need right now?"  These things made us connect when we needed to the most.  Now they are just natural. 

I was skeptical that it would work, but it did.  Not overnight but it did. 

I can only speak for myself and what I chose to do.  My husband made changes instantly.  I could see them and feel them right away.  Within 6 months things still sucked, BUT he had changed.  He was working.  Working can look different for everyone of course.  I told him I was willing to give it 6 months and if things weren't improving (not perfect) then I was gone.  At 6 months we re-evaluated and I gave him an extension  ;) 

Communication was key in those first 6 months and I took it upon myself to work on ME first and foremost.  I needed to change my co-dependent ways and look at how I had contributed to this issues and problem.  I realized I wasn't putting me first and I was allowing him to do whatever he wanted.  We started sleeping in the same bed right away and I asked him to tell me whenever he felt the need to PMO so we could talk about it or have sex.  We read stuff and most importantly HE read stuff that he chose.  He read "Great Sex" by Michael Castleman after being on an ED forum (we had no idea about PIED or this website and YBOP) and we implemented some of those techniques.

Perhaps listing all of the things he has done will help?  It sounds like (from your posts) that he is not very cooperative.  Do you know why he is this way?  I know a lot of men have a hard time asking for or seeking help, preferring to do it alone.  This was my husband too.

Everyone has different levels and abilities to deal with this addiction. My time has been easy so far, but then again, several years ago I had an amazing girlfriend who I loved whom I had an issue with PIED with. I tried to stop using P, but just could not. It wasn't the reason things ended, but it was a small piece of the equation. After trying for 3 years, I have been successful in my attempt to go P-free. It takes a long time to fight this addiction and it may not take for quite a while.

Don't give up!


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