Reboot Nation Forum > Partners of Rebooters and Addicts

Book that might help couples

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Rainiegirl:
Anyone out there read the book 'love you, hate the porn'? Just ordered it today. It sounds like a good read. Seems to focus on a no blame system that work to bring help to both partners so they can be a support system for each other.

Gracie:
I have read it.  My husband and I read it together.  I marked passages that showed how I felt or sometimes what I thought.  But only those that were mine.  He then read it and marked those things that he felt.  We talked as we read.  It helped a lot.  Mark Chambelain's Blog is also amazing in helping.  Lots of good stuff and all the old stuff is archived. 

If not for this book, I do not think we would have made it.

Charlie Marcotte:
I've heard great things about it! I think for someone in a relationship it is definitely beneficial.

HowElse:
I would also be very interested in hearing your impressions about it. Having the talk with my girlfriend was incredibly difficult. She's a very open minded smart girl and I could just see her melting into a "what do I do here" expression. It's easy for people to say that a partner needs to be supportive but it's only REALLY open and honest conversation that can bridge that gap of understanding.

I think the general idea is that we (the afflicted) see the talk with our SO as saying "I'm going to address this problem because I want to do better - I'm sharing because I value our relationship - and I don't want to be looked at as some deviant". That was my biggest challenge in this talk, we didn't discuss content in depth but what porn I watched is as aligned with my real world taste as the analogy of loving horror movies out of some deeply hidden need to harm people.

On the flip side for the partner I cannot imagine what a heavy burden this is and how much this can be perceived to be an affront to your own attractiveness, trust, etc. I think it's incredible of you guys to support your partners through it and even though this problem is not universal it is extremely taboo and you might be the SOs with the few partners choosing to confront it.

I'm curious what literature will emerge on this subject from the couple perspective. Given how EXTREMELY personal these topics are to people there is a great potential for mishandling and harm. I hope that whoever writes on this is mindful of the minefield that needs to be negotiated.

Gracie:
Trust me in this book, the authors are very gentle with both the addicted and the partner.  There are a few exercises that help you understand more.  It was the most help of all.  It talks about the attachment to each other and what it really means to the SO.  They use examples that make sense.  It is not a scholarly theoretical book.  It is real world.

He also has a blog: http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/  This blog has tabs across the top for both the porn user and the partner.  Then there are articles that are archived down the right hand side of the page.  Go to the oldest ones first and then read forward.  They are very direct in how they address a lot of issues and questions around porn addictiion.  They also give information for the user to help them understand how to deal with making new choices.  There was nothing that came close to the help this was.

This also offered some insight in how partners communicate and what they may truly need.  I put this in the 40 up section.  It is about Hold Me Tight the book.  This book is about our need for attachment and how our culture has taught us to not be dependent on others.  And we need some in order to connect with our partners.  I thought it reflected the disconnection that occurs that I frequently read about on these boards and shows how both partners fall into this pattern of communication that does not give them what they need.

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