Feeling lost.

Where to start.
    I have been addicted to porn for Im guessing, well over 30yrs.  It all started with a VHS tape I found hidden in our house. Then a friends dads stash of mags. I remember when the WWF first hit TV in New Zealand, they had a full sized colour picture of each wrestler in the back of the news paper, I dont think they realized, that on the back of that was all of their porn/adult advertising, so at 10 I had it on my wall. Joining the military and having my own room, deploying and being away for months and still having/finding something. Then the internet!!! It was always there. Taking away from me. For 27yrs I never knew it was a problem, never knew it had caused the failure of every relationship I have ever had. Until I met my wife, who knew something was wrong early on, but couldn't put her finger on it. Once she did, after catching me out and nearly ending it. I thought I could get it under control. After all, its only porn right? For the first few months to a year I did really well. After about 3 weeks, for the first time in over a year, I orgasm'd during sex. I felt great!! So I felt like I deserved a reward... Yep, back at it. Early the next year we got married and I thought that would be the key to me kicking it. I got software which has been awesome and started to do better. But I would always back slide. Always find a way.

A month ago I developed some bumps in places that shouldn't have bumps. I got tested and I told my wife the results (which came back positive). What little trust she had left was now gone.

Now I'm almost 41yrs old, live far away from my family, I have no children (because of this) and am about to be divorced from the only woman who has ever believed in me..

This morning I put a gun to my head, but couldn't pull the trigger.

@ DwnNz

I have been addicted to porn for I'm guessing, well over 30 years... It all started with a VHS tape..  Then a friends dads stash of mags.. Then the internet!!! It was always there. 

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First I want to say I am proud of you for coming here and posting.. That means you're a strong person who is willing to face your mistakes and problems and it shows you have strength in you to fight this. Your story of escalation, sexual dysfunction, and relational pain/loss is very similar to many guys on this forum. You are not a lone and I promise you have a group of people here who will love on you and support you when you need it.

I found porn mags when I was 8, had cable porn when I was 10, and unlimited internet porn access by age 12. By the time I was 23 I could no longer function sexually and porn was the only thing that could arouse me. I hurt many people growing up and caused a lot of pain. Of course I, like you, had no idea what my problem was all along until I found other guys with the same problem through a Google search.

I will tell you this, recovery is possible. It sounds like you have delayed ejaculation where it is hard or impossible to orgasm with a partner. This is a very common symptom of porn use, and a reboot has been shown many times to fix it. Older guys who did not have high-speed internet porn as kids tend to recover a little faster, and maybe,  seeing as you saw improvement when "After about 3 weeks, for the first time in over a year, I orgasm'd during sex." Your recovery might not take all that long, few weeks or a couple months... I cannot say for sure I am just speculating. However, the improvement you saw is a clear sign there is a lot of hope for you my man.

We are glad to have you and would love to follow you on your journey and provide any help we can. We encourage you to start a journal in the journal section, or at least read some of our stories so you can see that you are not a lone in this. I know you have had a rough go, but there is hope.

Let me know if you have any questions... welcome to the Nation

Much love

Scroll down on this page (under the main text), and, after the "day" accounts," you will find many links to recovery accounts. Many are arranged by age. Read some of the stories of your peers. That should put the heart back in you!

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-accounts

Although I can't give much advice I feel that you can over come this and sort yourself out. Please don't resort to suicide that won't help your case and will only make the people around cry. I wish you best of luck.

Fellow Kiwi here

There is a way out of this man and it's not by the gun, everything looks dark for you right now but you'll come out on top once you kick this.

I'm sure you're aware of John Kirwins website.
http://www.depression.org.nz/

Also, I have no personal experience or science to back up the effectiveness of hypnosis, but considering the state you're in and from the reviews I've heard I think it may be in your best interest to visit this particular hypo-therapist who specialises in porn addiction up in Auckland.
http://nzhypnotherapy.co.nz/

As a last resort if you decide you're going to commit suicide look into ibogaine therapy or something drastic man. Don't waste your life, there is a way out of this.

Welcome-
Times are tough but you're tougher.
That's why you're with us because you believe you have plenty to live for.
Almost everyone here is in the struggle and we lean on each other.

Take a look around and read other journals. You will feel right at home.

Thanks gents for replying.
      It's been a VERY tough week since we have been apart. OSS, nice to see another kiwi on here. Part of the reason I'm so alone is that I'm living in the US now moved to be with my wife). All my friends (most have moved away)and family  are all back there, so it's been hard for me with no one to go to for help or even a place to stay. I'm living out of a bag in a small hotel room on a weekly rate that I can only afford for a few more weeks. I've read on JK's site before but it's hard to do from here and talking about NZ. I have read eveything I can find over the past years, but keep slipping, 3 steps forward and 2 back, sometimes 4 back is what keeps happening.
    The worst feeling about all of this is that I let her down, lied and generally not  been the husband I can be or that she deserves. I still don't know if we are separated (time apart) or actually divorcing. That's the hardest thing. Not knowing.  I'm day 2 into my official Reboot.

Is it ok to copy and paste my two post here onto my intro for my journal?

@ DwnNz

Is it ok to copy and paste my two post here onto my intro for my journal?

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Absolutely!