R
Robert1
Guest
Sorry guys, looks like my problem was never porn addiction. An age related health issue was taking some of the spring out of the downstairs step if you know what I mean, that and you can't expect to be rock hard every time after 15 years of marriage. I think men (and women to some degree as well) have a natural desire to seek sexual novelty, whether it be porn (visual or literary), or spicing things up in the bedroom, some couples even go the poly route but that's not really my thing.
In my time here I was a little surprised by the fine line (if it is there at all) that is often drawn between porn use, and porn addiction. To me someone is addicted to an activity or substance when it is really having a negative impact on their lives and the lives of those around them. Like if you are masturbating more than once a day and failing to complete other important task/responsibilities, watching porn at work, watching porn that depicts real harm being done to others.
I think some people may be in need of a reality check here, watching porn doesn't make you a bad person, fetishes don't make you a bad person unless there is real harm involved to you, your partner, or those on screen. Just because your penis isn't always rock hard all the time doesn't mean it is porn induced. You might have performance anxiety, you might have lost interest in your partner sexually. I think Aquarius made a very good point recently when she said that there is so much more to sex than a rock hard erection, so much more to sexually satisfying a woman. If you can't find a woman who doesn't run off at the first sign of a limp member, is she really worth the trouble?
There is a difference between porn use and porn addiction. By labeling potentially healthy viewing of porn a porn addiction, you make it all consuming in your life, an obsession. Ironically this obsession ends up taking far more time and energy than an actual porn addiction, so you end up doing real harm to yourself for little reward. Often you will fail and fail again and again because you don't want to deny yourself an enjoyable activity that you subconsciously know isn't really doing any harm in your life. Of course there are those that are really addicted, but you need to honestly ask yourself whether or not your porn use is causing you any real harm, or if you are just ashamed because society has deemed publicly visible sex shameful.
I have always viewed marriage as something that changes over time. Sure we might become less sexually interested in each other as we get older, and some degree of monotony will set in as well, but all the while we are connecting more and more on an emotional level. Sexual attraction has a purpose after all, it is all for the children. Once the children have been conceived, it seems only natural that sex drive is going to drop off. I think it is also important to remember that men and women are built differently, menopause often has a drastic affect on sex drive because the eggs are dried up, you can't really expect a woman to be all that interested in sex once this occurs. Men on the other hand always have sperm on tap, and let's face it, nature intended for men to father children with more than one woman, we can't ignore that reality and it explains quite well why men are more likely to seek out porn in a marriage.
I've glanced at the partners section and I see the real reason for the frustration of partners, it's the lies and deceit. Luckily my wife and I see eye to eye on the topic of porn. She has always enjoyed her romance/sex stories, sex toys, and occasionally porn, and I enjoy all 3 as well (though I do watch more porn). We are also honest with each other, we don't feel the need to hide things from each other, and it is that honesty that allowed us to see that we were right for each other. So I get your frustration ladies, but you're focusing on the wrong target here. Porn doesn't make a man into a terrible person who lies to his wife, a terrible person lies to his wife and watches porn behind her back. I'm sure you have all realized by now that stopping porn doesn't make the problems go away. A lot of you don't like porn and that's fine, there's nothing wrong with holding that viewpoint, but you can't label every man who enjoys porn as a porn addict, that just covers up the real problems in your marriage.
I can sympathize with other men that are in this situation as well. Odds are you started watching porn and never thought it would be a problem, and now you are in a situation where your wife doesn't appreciate your side activities, and you are stuck in the marriage regardless because you know she is likely going to get the kids and the house if you try to leave. I get it, the deck is a little stacked against men right now, and both parties take responsibility in a marriage, but you are probably partly in this situation because you didn't really get to know your wife on a personal level. If you had really communicated with her in the beginning, then you might have known that the relationship probably wasn't going to work out all that well. Then again porn is a fairly recent phenomenon, so I can also understand if some men just had no way of knowing how their partners would feel about it.
For those who are really addicted to porn (of which I'm sure there are a few), I wish you all the best. For those who aren't really addicted to porn but are trying to quit because you feel that porn is morally wrong, or because your penis doesn't always get rock hard, or because your partner believes you should never look at and fantasize about other people, I still wish you all the best, but maybe it's a good time to ask yourself some hard questions. 1) Why is porn morally wrong, is anyone really getting hurt? 2) Is it reasonable to expect a raging erection every time?. Of course there is unfortunately too much porn out there that actually is produced at the expense of the performers, and I'd like to see a lot of change here, but filming sexual expression does not have to be exploitative. The industry isn't going away so we might as well fight to make it better.
For those who aren't really addicted to porn but you don't see eye to eye with your partner, you need marriage counselling, and you need to realize that you aren't a bad person just because you might hold a different viewpoint. If you allow your partner to go through your search history, and bully you into submission while you resent them for it, you aren't going to get a positive outcome. The same goes if you allow your partner to lie and deceive you at every turn, you aren't going to be happy playing babysitter.
Some people might say I'm a hypocrite in that I am not against porn but I wouldn't want my daughter (or son) to be a porn star. You know, you're right to some degree. I wouldn't want anyone I love to get wound up in the porn industry in it's current state. It doesn't have to be that way though and we have the power to vote with our penises
Support porn that is produced without harming people, where they are treated like human beings. I can honestly say that if the porn industry weren't as bad as it is, I would support my son or daughter in anything they believe is right for them, as long as they are not in an abusive situation.
Farewell to all, and I'll leave you with an interesting perspective on all of this that could be very helpful for young guys who are dealing with a lot of shame surrounding porn use:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9cdhP7Ys_Q
In my time here I was a little surprised by the fine line (if it is there at all) that is often drawn between porn use, and porn addiction. To me someone is addicted to an activity or substance when it is really having a negative impact on their lives and the lives of those around them. Like if you are masturbating more than once a day and failing to complete other important task/responsibilities, watching porn at work, watching porn that depicts real harm being done to others.
I think some people may be in need of a reality check here, watching porn doesn't make you a bad person, fetishes don't make you a bad person unless there is real harm involved to you, your partner, or those on screen. Just because your penis isn't always rock hard all the time doesn't mean it is porn induced. You might have performance anxiety, you might have lost interest in your partner sexually. I think Aquarius made a very good point recently when she said that there is so much more to sex than a rock hard erection, so much more to sexually satisfying a woman. If you can't find a woman who doesn't run off at the first sign of a limp member, is she really worth the trouble?
There is a difference between porn use and porn addiction. By labeling potentially healthy viewing of porn a porn addiction, you make it all consuming in your life, an obsession. Ironically this obsession ends up taking far more time and energy than an actual porn addiction, so you end up doing real harm to yourself for little reward. Often you will fail and fail again and again because you don't want to deny yourself an enjoyable activity that you subconsciously know isn't really doing any harm in your life. Of course there are those that are really addicted, but you need to honestly ask yourself whether or not your porn use is causing you any real harm, or if you are just ashamed because society has deemed publicly visible sex shameful.
I have always viewed marriage as something that changes over time. Sure we might become less sexually interested in each other as we get older, and some degree of monotony will set in as well, but all the while we are connecting more and more on an emotional level. Sexual attraction has a purpose after all, it is all for the children. Once the children have been conceived, it seems only natural that sex drive is going to drop off. I think it is also important to remember that men and women are built differently, menopause often has a drastic affect on sex drive because the eggs are dried up, you can't really expect a woman to be all that interested in sex once this occurs. Men on the other hand always have sperm on tap, and let's face it, nature intended for men to father children with more than one woman, we can't ignore that reality and it explains quite well why men are more likely to seek out porn in a marriage.
I've glanced at the partners section and I see the real reason for the frustration of partners, it's the lies and deceit. Luckily my wife and I see eye to eye on the topic of porn. She has always enjoyed her romance/sex stories, sex toys, and occasionally porn, and I enjoy all 3 as well (though I do watch more porn). We are also honest with each other, we don't feel the need to hide things from each other, and it is that honesty that allowed us to see that we were right for each other. So I get your frustration ladies, but you're focusing on the wrong target here. Porn doesn't make a man into a terrible person who lies to his wife, a terrible person lies to his wife and watches porn behind her back. I'm sure you have all realized by now that stopping porn doesn't make the problems go away. A lot of you don't like porn and that's fine, there's nothing wrong with holding that viewpoint, but you can't label every man who enjoys porn as a porn addict, that just covers up the real problems in your marriage.
I can sympathize with other men that are in this situation as well. Odds are you started watching porn and never thought it would be a problem, and now you are in a situation where your wife doesn't appreciate your side activities, and you are stuck in the marriage regardless because you know she is likely going to get the kids and the house if you try to leave. I get it, the deck is a little stacked against men right now, and both parties take responsibility in a marriage, but you are probably partly in this situation because you didn't really get to know your wife on a personal level. If you had really communicated with her in the beginning, then you might have known that the relationship probably wasn't going to work out all that well. Then again porn is a fairly recent phenomenon, so I can also understand if some men just had no way of knowing how their partners would feel about it.
For those who are really addicted to porn (of which I'm sure there are a few), I wish you all the best. For those who aren't really addicted to porn but are trying to quit because you feel that porn is morally wrong, or because your penis doesn't always get rock hard, or because your partner believes you should never look at and fantasize about other people, I still wish you all the best, but maybe it's a good time to ask yourself some hard questions. 1) Why is porn morally wrong, is anyone really getting hurt? 2) Is it reasonable to expect a raging erection every time?. Of course there is unfortunately too much porn out there that actually is produced at the expense of the performers, and I'd like to see a lot of change here, but filming sexual expression does not have to be exploitative. The industry isn't going away so we might as well fight to make it better.
For those who aren't really addicted to porn but you don't see eye to eye with your partner, you need marriage counselling, and you need to realize that you aren't a bad person just because you might hold a different viewpoint. If you allow your partner to go through your search history, and bully you into submission while you resent them for it, you aren't going to get a positive outcome. The same goes if you allow your partner to lie and deceive you at every turn, you aren't going to be happy playing babysitter.
Some people might say I'm a hypocrite in that I am not against porn but I wouldn't want my daughter (or son) to be a porn star. You know, you're right to some degree. I wouldn't want anyone I love to get wound up in the porn industry in it's current state. It doesn't have to be that way though and we have the power to vote with our penises
Support porn that is produced without harming people, where they are treated like human beings. I can honestly say that if the porn industry weren't as bad as it is, I would support my son or daughter in anything they believe is right for them, as long as they are not in an abusive situation. Farewell to all, and I'll leave you with an interesting perspective on all of this that could be very helpful for young guys who are dealing with a lot of shame surrounding porn use:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9cdhP7Ys_Q
