The long road back.

    I can say I have never known what it is like to feel normal.
For as long as I can remember i have been fascinated, obsessed with sex, I guess I could be classified as hypersexual, whether due to my ADHD, or to something traumatic I do not know. I got into porn when I was in my early teens, roughly around the time I started masturbating. By the time I was fourteen I would masturbate up to ten times a day, sometimes to the point of bleeding.
I escalated fairly quickly, fantasiszing about rape and pedophilia at my lowest points, which was around my late teens, very early twenties. I moved away from that but still watched very rough, misogynistic porn. i have only had one long term relationship, it ended after a year. Partyl due to my ED and premature ajaculation, partly because I didn't want to tell her about my problem. I never really got serious about quitting until I lost her.
    I had seen a therapist who strongly pushed meetings. I've never liked meetings, especially not 12-step oriented ones. I found this forum because it was somewhere I could share with people that actually had effective results. The therapist also said I need to share with my partner what I had done, everything. That is when I realized I could never be in a relationship. I can't tell anyone about the things I have seen, that would not want to be with me and I would not blame them.
    Having tried to quit long term from fapping and porn for the past 4 years, I realized I was undermining my attempts by looking at photos of coworkers and old hookups. I was still looking at a type of porn, even if I wasn't directly watching erotica.Having gone two weeks wtih almost no fantasizing, I have found things coniderably easier.
Will I make it longer than a month? I don't know. Three months with out masturbation, no porn, but lots of fantasizing has been my limit.
I do not believe will ever have a close relationship, its too far gone for that.
So why am I tryign to even quit? Because i want to know what it feels like with my brain freed from porn and fantasy. 2-4 months is what i have read is the recovery time, I don't know if I can make it that far but I will try.

Hi Marcos,
if it's to any comfort I'm the same as you. I'm still not sure why. was it my low self esteem, was it my older brother porn mags or was it some trauma that my brain suppressed and keeps it that way. Maybe it's all three. I've never had serious therapy. I went to see this therapist but I never told him about all the things that bother me, I just told him about my ED and he said to see a urologist and to start writing my dreams on a piece of paper. he thought I was just shy and stressed and worried about my performance. I saw him 3 times and left and never came back. I didn't have the strength to continue.

I had a really weird childhood. I was hit on by my teacher in high school (she was in her late 20's and very attractive) and I was hit on by my brothers gf who was 26yo at the time (also very sexual and good looking), and I was 14, just to count few. When I look back I had too many sexual encounters for a kid, even tho nothing happened with either my brothers gf nor with the teacher. But there was this constant tension in every aspect of my life which combined with my hyper-sexual nature and me being generally very shy and withdrawn and it lead to where I am now. I also watched all kinds of fucked up movies at those low points of my life, even videos with young girls. Fuck it, I admit it. Discovering more fucked up porn became an adrenaline fix that was much more exciting that real sex. Also, I couldn't get hurt or rejected. I didn't have to worry about other people's emotions. Of course, later on I realized I was hurting girls I was with in the process and now years and years later everything is becoming clear to me.

I still have problems being intimate with women, even with those who are very understanding. I just feel like I don't get the same excitement in real contact with women. And that's why I came here 3 days ago.

I completely understand that you are shy or unable to talk about such things. I was like that too. But something in me changed. I got this confidence lately that allows me to be honest and precise with people. I still don't talk about this with a lot of people, don't get me wrong. But from this point of view now, I take this as my imperfection. And many people have imperfections of their own. There are always ones that won't understand and will judge but there are always others who won't.

I'm rambling now. What I'm trying to say is: don't think you will never be able to have a close relationship. it may seem that way now, but I think coming here is a good start. And see, you admitting all these things didn't lead to anything horrible. Instead, you met someone who is much alike you. It will be hard I know, but good things are worth fighting for.

Thank you for the encouragement, its is difficult but I'm still taking steps forward to the light

So I'm currently 3 weeks no MO. About five weeks since viewing porn. Also five weeks since MO while viewing instagram image of girl i used to work with. I consider that to be on the spectrum of PMO.
I've had alot of depression and mood swings. Its a tumultuous time in my life with job searching, get a job license, and looking for a place. I think I've handled it okay, been drinking a bit more than I want too.
Been thinking about my ex alot lately. I'm deeply ashamed of how I treated her when we were togather.
At first we connected deeply, it wa an incredible, scary feeling as I had never felt liek that for someone before. Sex was incredbly passionate, I looked at her as a partner and focused on pleasing her and it was great. I still had sufferend from some ED, and also PMO'd. Though not as much as before.
As our relationship wore on, our dfferences and disagreements became clearer and I retreated into PMO more. I also had increased ED. I also began seeing her a an object toplease me in bed. There were things I knew she didnt want to do but she did it to please me. I knew this ut i did it anyway. I thought if I could be good enough to her in other areas it would balance out. But that eventually became a huge rift that lead to our seperation. Its something I regret to this day.
I beleive I am a bit narcissistic. Just from observing myself, my deep introversion and introspection makes it difficult to connect with others and I often find myself seeing people for what they can do for me rather than sharing interests.
Overall I think and addiction breeds that kind of self-centerdness, especially porn. You can live in a world where everythign caters to your whims rather than makign a genuine connection with another and sharin in the ups an downs of life and human interaction.