3rdprecept
Member
3 days since PMO.
I'm 46 and was introduced to PMO at a very early age. I'm the youngest of four boys in my family and have vivid memories of my older brother M-ing in front of me and then showing me how. P was readily available in my house. As young as 6 years old or maybe younger (accuracy is difficult at such a young age) I first started to MO. It quickly became a daily habit, using fantasy and objects to achieve climax. Mags, videotapes, and explicit P-subs were all around me.
I grew up not knowing anything different. Shame was a part of it but never an overriding factor. Boys grow up ridiculing that behavior but I never thought of stopping. In my house, we were raised by my father, a working dad who gave us all the freedom in the world. Many girls would be at my house and I had witnessed sex and was aware of sex again at an early age.
By 4th grade, I was regularly staying home from school to watch VHS tapes all day and binge. I remember it was in middle school when my body began to ejaculate. I had many experiences with both girls and boys in hideout experimenting with touching genitals and kissing Hyper-sexualized was how I lived and the constant compulsion for O was a daily and often multiple times per day habit.
My life has been characterized by a deep sense of unease. Feelings of despair, of unworthiness, and a tense sense that I was never good enough are a constant. I witnessed the use of hard drugs from my brothers as a child and my mother was an alcoholic. I was aware of the dangers and worthlessness of addiction and wanted nothing to do with that type of life. In my early teens, I became straight edge and found refuge in punk rock, hardcore music seeing bands and a very different type of PMO (positive mental outlook) that many of the straight edge bands preached. I was a vegetarian and deeply pursued spirituality learning to try to meditate and find ways to be of service to god. Seeing the waste and destruction of my brothers strung out on drugs and my mother unable to be a part of my life I had a driving desire to do more and achieve more. This fed into the feelings of unease, but I would push myself to try to go in a positive direction.
As much as I would try my life would seem to fall apart sometimes after years sometimes after months. Something in me would just snap and I'd lose all control. I was the first person in my family to go to college but I was not able to graduate. In my freshman year of college, I tried drugs for the first time. Being predisposed to addition from my first encounter it was off to the races. The spiral of compulsion to daily use and descent into my hard drugs was very fast For over 15 years I used drugs daily and my PMO habit was right there all along.
On May 23 2008 I had trouble with the law (again), lost a job, was in a bitter divorce, and I am the father of a 3-year-old daughter. It was rock bottom for my drug addiction. I was living on my dad's couch and using hard drugs every day and spending so much money on P and prostitutes. On May 25 2008 I used drugs for the last time. Seeking help with NA, a sponsor, spiritual step work, and above all total abstinence from any mood, and mind-altering substance. I have been clean since. If I google how long ago that was it is 4501 days since I last got high. That is 12 years, 3 months, and 26 days clean.
My life has improved significantly since I got clean. I have a family, career, interests and by all accounts, I should be very happy given how fortunate I am.
The problem is I'm not happy. I feel the effects of dopamine depletion due to excessive PMO. A deep sense of despair, suffering, and unease grips my mind. I'm going through the motions and often dead inside. Physically I'm not attracted to my wife at all. We have not had sex in years and we are not intimate with each other. My body aches with pain and I have no energy for things that I should love. I'm restless, irritable, and discontent with life.
My PMO has been daily and like the title of this journal I've tried to stop 1000's of times. I can only seem to get about a week before the cravings and sense of need overwhelms me pushing me to consume.
I've watched the YBOP videos and over this weekend read through the book. I really need to change this time and I am willing to make this change a reality.
I have 3 days since I've PMO last. Thursday, September 17 was when I PMO last.
I've removed social media that are P-sub triggers and have blocked/removed accounts on the two remaining social media that are thirst trap triggers. I need a digital detox from my phone---since the reward center fixation of constant browsing, arousal, hits of dopamine is just as much of an issue. I don't want to lose control.
My worry is the withdrawal that I know will hit me soon. Boredom at night and being alone when the kids go to sleep and my wife is downstairs are when I lose control.
I got an accountability partner recently through a google search and now recently found the Reboot nation site.
Writing this post has been helpful. I need to make myself accountable to the life that I want to live. Pathways of overwhelming desire for PMO are deep in my brain. Learning to live a new way of life will take time. I know what I'm in for with cravings, desire, and withdrawal...I need support and accountability to help me get through.
I?m grateful for this forum and the support that you give to one another here. This darkness and despair have to end for me...I don?t want my mind obsessed with PMO and know that as a father and a human being there is a much better way to live.
I?ve tried to quit 1000 times...all I need to do is stop myself for today. Moment by moment if I have to.
Thank you---
I'm 46 and was introduced to PMO at a very early age. I'm the youngest of four boys in my family and have vivid memories of my older brother M-ing in front of me and then showing me how. P was readily available in my house. As young as 6 years old or maybe younger (accuracy is difficult at such a young age) I first started to MO. It quickly became a daily habit, using fantasy and objects to achieve climax. Mags, videotapes, and explicit P-subs were all around me.
I grew up not knowing anything different. Shame was a part of it but never an overriding factor. Boys grow up ridiculing that behavior but I never thought of stopping. In my house, we were raised by my father, a working dad who gave us all the freedom in the world. Many girls would be at my house and I had witnessed sex and was aware of sex again at an early age.
By 4th grade, I was regularly staying home from school to watch VHS tapes all day and binge. I remember it was in middle school when my body began to ejaculate. I had many experiences with both girls and boys in hideout experimenting with touching genitals and kissing Hyper-sexualized was how I lived and the constant compulsion for O was a daily and often multiple times per day habit.
My life has been characterized by a deep sense of unease. Feelings of despair, of unworthiness, and a tense sense that I was never good enough are a constant. I witnessed the use of hard drugs from my brothers as a child and my mother was an alcoholic. I was aware of the dangers and worthlessness of addiction and wanted nothing to do with that type of life. In my early teens, I became straight edge and found refuge in punk rock, hardcore music seeing bands and a very different type of PMO (positive mental outlook) that many of the straight edge bands preached. I was a vegetarian and deeply pursued spirituality learning to try to meditate and find ways to be of service to god. Seeing the waste and destruction of my brothers strung out on drugs and my mother unable to be a part of my life I had a driving desire to do more and achieve more. This fed into the feelings of unease, but I would push myself to try to go in a positive direction.
As much as I would try my life would seem to fall apart sometimes after years sometimes after months. Something in me would just snap and I'd lose all control. I was the first person in my family to go to college but I was not able to graduate. In my freshman year of college, I tried drugs for the first time. Being predisposed to addition from my first encounter it was off to the races. The spiral of compulsion to daily use and descent into my hard drugs was very fast For over 15 years I used drugs daily and my PMO habit was right there all along.
On May 23 2008 I had trouble with the law (again), lost a job, was in a bitter divorce, and I am the father of a 3-year-old daughter. It was rock bottom for my drug addiction. I was living on my dad's couch and using hard drugs every day and spending so much money on P and prostitutes. On May 25 2008 I used drugs for the last time. Seeking help with NA, a sponsor, spiritual step work, and above all total abstinence from any mood, and mind-altering substance. I have been clean since. If I google how long ago that was it is 4501 days since I last got high. That is 12 years, 3 months, and 26 days clean.
My life has improved significantly since I got clean. I have a family, career, interests and by all accounts, I should be very happy given how fortunate I am.
The problem is I'm not happy. I feel the effects of dopamine depletion due to excessive PMO. A deep sense of despair, suffering, and unease grips my mind. I'm going through the motions and often dead inside. Physically I'm not attracted to my wife at all. We have not had sex in years and we are not intimate with each other. My body aches with pain and I have no energy for things that I should love. I'm restless, irritable, and discontent with life.
My PMO has been daily and like the title of this journal I've tried to stop 1000's of times. I can only seem to get about a week before the cravings and sense of need overwhelms me pushing me to consume.
I've watched the YBOP videos and over this weekend read through the book. I really need to change this time and I am willing to make this change a reality.
I have 3 days since I've PMO last. Thursday, September 17 was when I PMO last.
I've removed social media that are P-sub triggers and have blocked/removed accounts on the two remaining social media that are thirst trap triggers. I need a digital detox from my phone---since the reward center fixation of constant browsing, arousal, hits of dopamine is just as much of an issue. I don't want to lose control.
My worry is the withdrawal that I know will hit me soon. Boredom at night and being alone when the kids go to sleep and my wife is downstairs are when I lose control.
I got an accountability partner recently through a google search and now recently found the Reboot nation site.
Writing this post has been helpful. I need to make myself accountable to the life that I want to live. Pathways of overwhelming desire for PMO are deep in my brain. Learning to live a new way of life will take time. I know what I'm in for with cravings, desire, and withdrawal...I need support and accountability to help me get through.
I?m grateful for this forum and the support that you give to one another here. This darkness and despair have to end for me...I don?t want my mind obsessed with PMO and know that as a father and a human being there is a much better way to live.
I?ve tried to quit 1000 times...all I need to do is stop myself for today. Moment by moment if I have to.
Thank you---