Time to quit....again

Wow, I have been gone from this website for about 5 years now.  A lot has happened in my life in the last 5 yrs, and I'm not going to try to catch everyone up on it, because this would be too long of a post.

To summarize a little bit though, for a long time, I was doing really good with not PMO'ing.  I actually even forgot about this forum site for years.

Then, my ex-wife took me for child support, and I had hardly any money, so I started staying in more, instead of going out and being social...this led to more P use again, and the cycle started again.

Then I got 50% custody of my daughter, and the child support ceased, but my living situation was such that I really couldn't date (shared living quarters), and so I rationalized that P would be the next best thing.

So, now I feel almost like I'm starting back at square one here.  I know for a fact I want to get rid of P again, and remembered that it helped to post on here and help others out, so that I could forget about my own pain in the process, and focus on helping others and getting support myself as well.

So, I'm back, and I just looked at P last night, and decided that is the last time....again....so, I reset my counter, and this will be my new journey.

If anyone is still here that I knew before, please say hello.  Otherwise, I'm looking forward to meeting everyone else in the forums.

So frustrating and annoying to get tripped-up when you think you've left it behind. Whether it's circumstances, environment, unresolved issues, trauma.... bastard thing is really hard to kill-off. But you've had success before, so you know broadly what works for you. Hopefully surrounding yourself with a new group of people in recovery will give you new ideas and energy to win again.

You are right, workinprogressUK.  I think this is something I'll be dealing with my entire life, but that's ok, because it just makes me (and all of us who deal with it) stronger as a result.  I hope your own journey is progressing, as well.  Thanks for your reply

Day 1:

Today, I noticed myself having very little patience for bullshit of any kind.  Normally, I'm a pretty laid-back person, and have just kind of rolled with the punches.  As I progress further down the road of being frustrated with how my life has turned out, and wanting to make a change, I'm finding myself a polar opposite to that.  I've been more direct and growing impatient with the bullshit I've gotten accustomed to as the "status quo".  I would not say this is the effect of the reboot as much as I'd say it's the effect of changing my mindset from one of resignation ("this is as good as it's going to get") to one of rebellion, ("I am done living my life as a victim and taking the victim mentality; now I am going to change things").

I will keep posting here, and start a journal much like the last time that I was on here.  Whereas I believe last time I was using PMO to escape my past of not having an involved father, having a narcissistic mother, and being sexually abused when I was a kid; I believe I've been using it this time to not have to face the hard decisions that I have to make regarding my life and moving it forwards.  Many times, I look in the mirror and wonder if I even have it in me to keep fighting all the battles that have shown up in my life, and while some days I can do no more than grunt, I'm growing my resolve slowly again, and starting to take the fighting spirit once again.

I think today is just an outward expression of that inner attitude that is no longer being concealed and just existing within myself alone; now I am just getting sick and tired of bullshit because I've put up with it for long enough....from my own self and from others as well.

ntg said:

Day 1:

Today, I noticed myself having very little patience for bullshit of any kind.  Normally, I'm a pretty laid-back person, and have just kind of rolled with the punches.  As I progress further down the road of being frustrated with how my life has turned out, and wanting to make a change, I'm finding myself a polar opposite to that.  I've been more direct and growing impatient with the bullshit I've gotten accustomed to as the "status quo".  I would not say this is the effect of the reboot as much as I'd say it's the effect of changing my mindset from one of resignation ("this is as good as it's going to get") to one of rebellion, ("I am done living my life as a victim and taking the victim mentality; now I am going to change things").

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I very much identify with all of that. I'm so incredibly laid back about so much that there certainly is a resignation to deserving things, or more likely not wanting to cause a disturbance or conflict. It's hard to know what is worth getting upset over in my case. I want to be more assertive but I also have so much other stuff going on in my head worrying about being more assertive feels like another heavy bag to carry. Thanks for posting and welcome back to the forum. You're already giving me some good stuff to think about in my own recovery! Hope I can repay the favour.

I know exactly what you mean, TheNorman.

It's hard to know what is the right way to do things when there is no clear direction in which to go.  Oftentimes I've thought to myself, "if only someone would show me what I'm supposed to do, I could do it".  Unfortunately, a lot of times we're stuck trying to figure things out for ourselves.

I will say that when I first started this journey (20 yrs ago), I read a book called "The Search for the Real Self" by James Masterson, and it has been, without a doubt, the best thing I have ever read in regards to why we tend to avoid things.  Usually, we are simply trying to avoid pain, but we've been stuck doing the same thing for so long, we don't even consciously know we are avoiding anything....it just seems right to do it that way because it's familiar.

One thing I took from the book mentioned above was that the way to leave the false self behind and begin to truly live from a real self once again was to do things that made me afraid.  When I first started, I was in college; and I literally could not even sit in the cafeteria without feeling everyone was looking at me and judging me.  I would just stare at the table in front of me or my food, and would only risk very brief glances around every few minutes for shear terror that everyone would be just staring at me and judging me when I looked up.

When I started reading that book, that was my starting point....I started forcing myself to eat in the cafeteria every single day.  That got easier, so then I started forcing myself to start looking at people, and not look away right away when their eyes met mine.

This is called progressive resistance; it's the same thing we use when lifting weights or anything else where we are trying to grow a muscle or a skill or something....start off easy, and progress to more difficult.

I've used this same process to get over my fear of approaching women (I was absolutely terrified of this).

I would say, that whatever seems overwhelming to you, it's because you're trying to do too much all at once.  Try to break it down into smaller chunks.  Make it just a tad uncomfortable, or just a tad more demanding of your time....so you still can do it, and it's still slightly uncomfortable, but not so much that you go into lockdown mode or feel like everything is caving in on you.

Thanks for your reply to my journal, it really helps just having others' perspectives on things I write.  I hope to be able to offer the same to you as well.  We are all here to help encourage each other and be encouraged, and slay this PMO beast.

Hi ntg,

There's a lot in your story I can relate to. I, too, took a long break from posting on the forum, 6-1/2 years to be exact. In a very literal way, coming back here after so much time away feels like starting back at square one. But really, when you think about it, that's just the guilt talking, isn't it? Because the truth is, no one who has spent time on this forum and then goes off to live his or her life before returning again can really say that they're starting over. Finishing what they've started, maybe, but not starting over.

Anyway, full credit to you for choosing to come back after all these years.  I can already tell you have a lot of great wisdom to share, and look I forward to reading more of your insights on doing the hard work of recovery but not taking on too much at once. Perhaps, had I been exposed to the idea of progressive resistance 6-1/2 years ago, I might not have crashed and burned quite so quickly. But then again, that was my journey.

Good luck to you on yours, friend, and keep up the great work!

Hi LetItGoAlready,

There has definitely been a lot of guilt in my journey, so I can definitely relate to that.  I like your way of looking at it...that we are just finishing what we already started.

I remember that I had this realization from TheUnderdog's post I read years ago, that this "reboot" was not a reboot from PMO, but a reboot of life.  When I took that perspective on things, it made the journey that much more fruitful.  I was no longer looking for how many days I'd gone without PMO; rather, I began to try to improve my life every single day (no matter if I had a relapse the day before or not).

Thanks for all your kind words; I hope to be able to add something to you in the way of encouragement as the days, weeks, months, years roll on.

If you are interested more in the idea of progressive resistance, I'd really suggest you read up on "the flow state".  I'll link a Wikipedia article I found below that you can read and get a lot of useful info from.

The quick and dirty summarization of it, though, is that if you feel stressed, you've taken on too much; if you feel bored, you've not taken on enough; if you feel like you are growing and maybe even a little uncomfortable but still progressing, you are exactly where you need to be.

What makes it the right place to be is the idea of our skills/talents/experience and the difficulity of the task meeting to compliment each other.

If you start a new job, and you don't know what you're doing, you won't be bored your first week, in fact you may feel overwhelmed at first...but as you gain more experience, you will naturally feel more and more confident.  Once you've been there for a few years, if you don't find some way to make your job more demanding, you'll be bored with it (because your skill has surpassed the difficulty level).

Another thing you might look up is how metacognition affects your ability to take on more and more things and still remain calm and at ease in the midst of it.  I'll link an article on metacognition as well, below.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metacognition

https://www.globalmetacognition.com/post/emotions-metacognition

Thanks for posting on my journal and I hope to be able to encourage you in your journey as well.

Day 2:

Felt pretty neutral today; my boss and I rode around together today (it's like that when it's slow, and no emergencies going on), and we both went home early because we just couldn't stand knowing we had things to get done at home, and were just wasting time at work.

Today held no real challenges or problems.  I was still direct, but I was directly nice in some ways, taking the initiative to do something nice for people who had done something nice for me.  I believe in reciprocating nice and respectful behavior; I even believe in showing it when others' may not, just because of my own standards and the type of person I want to be....meaning I don't do it for them, as much as for myself.  I also believe in acknowledging and praising/rewarding good behavior (positive reinforcement) so that I make people feel good about doing good things.  I try to do this with my daughter, but I also try to do it with people I associate with on a regular basis as well.

Nothing too much to report for today; just a normal day.

Day 3:

Today, I've been reminded of something really significant that I had forgotten about.

I was bored at work yesterday, and was looking through my Kindle library, and remembered a book that I had read once, but hadn't fully understood, but knew it had a good message.  Figuring I would read it again, I found it and re-read it.

It's a very short book, but the message is very profound.  Basically, most of us have no idea what we really want, but rather just focus our attention on how to deal with what we already have (usually in the form of problems).

Most of us have never stopped to consider where our problems keep coming from; this is what this book is about.  It's a simple premise: whatever we habitually dwell on, will be what we "create" in our lives.  So, if we habitually dwell on our problems and how to fix them, we will continually create more problems to fix.

However, if we start to begin to dwell on what we DO want, we begin to break the cycle and shift our thinking from what we don't want and what's going wrong, to what we do want and desire out of life.

This is very similar to Napoleon Hill's message in Think and Grow Rich, which is that in order to change your life, you must have a definite goal in which to move towards.

I remembered another book that I also owned, which I also never really understood that much, and decided to re-read it as well, and discovered even more insights regarding this same vein of thinking.

I realized why it's so important to not focus on the facts of a reboot when rebooting, and instead focus on improving your life.  When you focus on things such as not PMO'ing and getting MW back, and the flatline, and other such things, you will keep dwelling on the reboot itself and keep your focus on AVOIDING PMO.

Once you begin to shift your thinking from AVOIDING PMO to ACCOMPLISHING something that makes your life better, you start "creating" those things in your life, and you naturally stay away from PMO, because you are fixing the root problems of your life (why you turned to PMO to begin with).  Usually this has to do with some kind of trauma and the desire to escape reality by turning to PMO.  Yet, we can use virtually anything to escape reality (TV, internet, forums, chat, etc.)

The key is to become definite in a goal we want to accomplish, and begin dwelling on THAT, instead of upon what we want to AVOID doing.

This is a shift in thinking I remember I had last time during my reboot, around the end of the time I stopped posting here.

I re-read a lot of my old journal entries and posts on others' pages just so I could recapture my previous mindset while going through the reboot last time.

As far as today, it's been a good day so far; I'm feeling good, with all these new realizations that are coming to me, as well as all the things being brought to my remembrance from before.

If anyone else wants to read the books I'm referring to, I'll put them below:

1) It Works: The Famous Little Red Book That Makes Your Dreams Come True! (https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0875163238/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_xTRsFbQHW6GQ0)

2) TNT It Rocks the Earth (https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1434829715/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_jWRsFbTD03DTC)

I wanted to put a few more books that I've found useful, which can be applied to the reboot as well.  This, hopefully will be of use to some other people; but I'm also doing it for myself, so that in the future, I can re-read this and remind myself of things I've found that work.

1) Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz - this book is fantastic for the purpose of changing the self-image (your conception of the sort of person you are).  The self image literally determines what you can and cannot accomplish, because we are all hypnotized to the limiting beliefs we hold to be true about ourselves.

2) Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill - this book is fantastic for learning the principles of autosuggestion, which is absolutely fundamental for changing programmed habits.  Lots of examples of how the power of definiteness of purpose along with the other success principles can change your life.

3) Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins - this book is fantastic for reminding us all that we are literally only 1 decision away from changing the direction of our lives; using the principles of leverage and emotional state managment, we can make some really big gains in life.  Also, the ability to use questions to direct our minds is priceless.  If you're feeling discouraged, a simple question like, "what's humorous about this situation?" can make all the difference.

4) The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins - this book is amazing; Mel learned something that completely took the brain out of the equation, and allows us to act without the proper motivation, programmed beliefs, or leverage on ourselves.  In 5 seconds, you can decide to act with courage and change your life.  In regards to rebooting, you can use this same principle to change your thinking patterns, by using metacognition (being aware of what you are experiencing) to change your thinking in the moment.

I'll add more here as I remember others that have had an impact on me. 

Thanks for sharing ntg!
I'm always on the lookout for a good read and particularly if it's relevant to recovery and becoming a better version of oneself!

You are welcome ZiggyBoo, I'm glad you found it useful!

Day 4:

Started back on my working out every day routine; got up at 0300 today, and ran almost 2 miles; will now workout with weights after I eat my breakfast and let it digest a bit.

I'm noticing that by continuously giving myself the repetition of positive thoughts (in the form of what I'm wanting in my life) - my whole mind is becoming more and more positive as a result.  It's like my mind is a finite space, and the more I start stuffing it with good and positive thoughts, the more good and positive thoughts start gaining dominance over it, and pushing out the negative.

A question occurred to me last night; if the mind is a finite space, and we voluntarily begin to put positive thoughts into it, instead of trying to just remain neutral throughout the reboot (for example, taking the mindset of avoiding PMO but not necessarily working towards anything else), does this take more time to "rewire" the brain, because we are not voluntarily replacing what's there with positive things?

Might the reboot be sped up by deliberately using autosuggestion and placing positive habitual thoughts into our minds so that we not only stop the negative, but begin pushing the negative out altogether?

Maybe my journal will be some evidence on this one way or the other.

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My amount of energy is becoming crazy; I got up at 0300, and went for a 2 mile run; then I stayed up, cooked & ate my breakfast (this is normal), then I mowed the grass and did all the other outside work that I needed to do, then I immediately lifted weights for about 30 mins.  It's now about 0900, and I've been going non-stop since 0300.  This is definitely one of the perks of a reboot, is that increased energy output.

I remember in my previous journal that I had recommended people read "The Multiorgasmic Man", and I would still recommend that book.  Nowadays, I'm a little more familiar with the idea of semen retention.  While I don't agree with a lot of what's out there (namely that you become like a "god" when you practice semen retention, because you're able to have control over your hormones), I do agree that semen retention is very powerful in that you are storing the life-force inside of you .

If anyone is interested in learning more about this life force (otherwise known as chi), I'd highly recommend you look up "the microcosmic orbit", as this is the "orbit" within the body that one can move energy around.  Women can also do this, but the process is a little bit different, as they don't have the same life force (or chi) that men do.  It's the Yin/Yang thing.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microcosmic_orbit

http://www.tundeworld.com/Microcosmic-Orbit

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Had a chance to be there for a good friend of mine who is in the town I grew up in.  Her and I knew each other when we were in our 20's, and we both come from very similar backgrounds.  I was able to encourage her and give her some tools that have helped her kick her own ass into gear and get past the funk she's in.  I've been in a similar funk a ton of times, so when I described my experience, she could not believe she was not alone in what she was feeling.  Said that my phone call really helped her feel hopeful again that she would be ok.

I just wanted to take a minute and recount this, because if I had been involved with P still, I know I would not have been able to be there for her, as I would be doing good just to hang on and fight my own battles.  It makes me feel really good to be able to be there for other people who are going through similar things to those which I've been through and found a way through.

Other than that, been a pretty normal day; spent the day catching up on housework and other chores.

Realized today that I really want to get out and meet people, but I'm not sure exactly how to do so with COVID going on.  I'm going to have to try to get creative and figure out ways to be relational with people in physicalness.  I have found myself alone a lot lately, and I know that this is one of my triggers, so I'm going to have to find a way to surround myself with some positive people whom I can give support to and get support from (not necessarily regarding PMO, but life in general).

If anyone reading has any suggestions or something you've done that has been good for you in this regard, I'd love to hear it.  Thanks.

Day 5:

Today has been pretty normal.  I have had some trouble sleeping, and it's tempting in these times to turn to P to just "de-stress" or "relax", and that is definitely one of my triggers, so I've started putting on audio books I have that are, for lack of a better term, boring, in the hopes that it will engage my mind enough to take it off of P but not so much that it keeps me awake....so far it's working.

I'm also noticing that I'm getting horny a lot more lately; when I see beautiful women, I start having sexual thoughts, and I'm motivated to go talk to them.  I have not, as of yet, followed through on these "pushes" to talk to women; I'm going to have to begin breaking myself out of my shell again and gaining some ground in this area.

I'm going to set a goal for myself that from here on out, I have to approach and talk to at least one woman per day.  She doesn't have to be hot per se, and I don't have to approach with the intention of getting a number or anything, but I need to get more social again, and this is how I'll start easing myself back into this.

I'm divorced, and I've dated off & on for the last 6 yrs or so, so I'm in a fairly decent place in which to start a relationship.  I don't want a fling type of thing, as I prefer to support someone and have them support me - I think it's healthier that way.  If something were to become somewhat serious, I'd inform them about my PMO reboot, but otherwise, just let that stay in the bag for the time being.

The way I'm going to work with this trigger of being horny is that I'm going to start working out every day (instead of every other day) and start expending this energy in that constructive way.

Good job on this new commitment for a restart into cleanness and life improvement!  Working out is a worthy endeavor and will likely help the sleep I would imagine.  Congratulations on the 5 days-keep at it!

jixu said:

Good job on this new commitment for a restart into cleanness and life improvement!  Working out is a worthy endeavor and will likely help the sleep I would imagine.  Congratulations on the 5 days-keep at it!

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Thanks, jixu, I appreciate you and your comments.  I'm definitely hoping that working out helps.

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Day 6:

Well, last night, I could not sleep, and ended up watching some twerking vids on youtube.  While this is not my finest moment, I don't consider it to be PMO, although I don't think it does anything beneficial for me in regards to focusing on reality and not fake shit.  I know this type of thing can be a slippery slope, leading down to P very easily, so I'm pulling myself back up and making a firm decision to stay away from this type of thing in the future too.

Did not stay up too late last night, but still had trouble sleeping...it's like I felt wired and just did not want to sleep, but knew I needed to in order to get rest for today.  Needless to say, I did not get up early today and workout as I had planned on doing.

The audio books did not work very well in order to make me tired and calm me down, I think because I just wanted to get out and DO something....be around people and be social, and right now that is so difficult to do with this COVID stuff going on.

I'm going to look into meetup groups or something; maybe even online dating and see if that might also be a way to meet some people.

As far as today went, I was tired, but nothing too bad at all; I have some legal stuff coming up tomorrow, so that is also probably weighing on my mind more than normal, and causing me to be more active than usual with my thoughts.

Going to start using mindfulness meditation every night, and see if that will help settle down my mind so I can relax and unwind.

Day 7:

Pretty usual day; working on my affirmations (in accordance with the books I posted about earlier) and they are really helping.  Making this short and sweet this time, as I have some things I still have to do before the day's up.

Have remained firm in my stance of no more fake stuff, and feeling pretty good overall.

I did run and lift weights this morning, so I followed through on my commitment to myself which feels great.

Hope everyone else is well too.

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Having a really hard time right now; one of my triggers is stress, and my day has just been one stressful event after another....I feel like I've hardly had time to catch my breath, and I'm moving from one fucked up situation to another and trying to mediate and solve the issue of all of them at once.

The temptation is so fucking strong to turn to P right now, to just become a mindless zombie and be stimulated and let the stress just fade away.  Of course I know this is bullshit, and in reality, P will only add more stress to my already stressful life, long term (staying up all night - lack of sleep, feeling guilty and ashamed, causing me to further isolate myself from others, etc.)

So, I'm going to try to take some sleep meds and watch some tv to help me destress and calm down a little bit.  This has been one fucking hard day, but I'm going to get through it.

Day 8:

This has been an exhausting day; have had a lot of stuff to deal with that is sort of "spill over" from yesterday...however, I'm getting everything handled and it's starting to slow down again.

I feel almost like I'm coming down off an adrenaline rush, where my body was pumped so full of hormones to get me through the never-ending stuff I had to accomplish, that now I'm finding myself crashing.

I remained strong yesterday and did not give in to P or any other type of fake shit to take the edge off.  Once I layed down and put on something relaxing to listen to, I was out like a light.

I did not workout like I wanted to, but I was up a lot later than I normally am as well, so I gave myself a break there.

Today has been ok overall; coming down from the crash of the rush, I'm finding myself craving P again in order to "relax" and "take the edge off".  It's been helping to read words I've been repeating to myself every day, namely that my desire for P is really just a desire to be with a woman, but it's short-cutting all the action necessary to make that happen; that it isolates me and causes me further stress.  I've resolved to immediately think of the woman I want to be with whenever I'm tempted by P.  I'm hoping it works; right now, I almost feel as if I'm hanging on by a slim thread, but I'm hanging on nonetheless.

Hi ntg,

I think you already know that if your desire for P is isolating you and causing you further stress, giving into it isn't going to make anything better. It's just going to drive you further away from the life you deserve to live, and it will be quite happy keeping you in that place until you've been cut off from everything you care about it.

And don't believe for a minute that it will relax you. Maybe for the moment it will. But your brain will be back at it tomorrow, finding just the right way to set you on edge and then selling you a load of garbage so you'll think that PMO is your only way out - again.

Hang in there, buddy. I'm rooting for you to climb your way back up that thread to safety!

Hope you managed to hold out and not give in. Try to let those stressful thoughts drift away. Don't dwell on the troubling stuff. What might be happening around you may not be in your control, but the thoughts you choose to fill your brain with are. Those negative sensations will pass, if you let them. Good luck!