findingthepath
New Member
Hi guys, new to the forum and trying to sort myself out about why I do the wrong things. I am also talking to a therapist for a deeper look into it.
I have had bad experiences and due to that suffer from low self esteem. Because of the low self esteem I stayed in bad relationships much longer than I should have, but also the low self esteem caused me in my earlier years to stick to myself. I spent a lot of time alone inside my head, with darkness and brooding. I started out by spending a lot of time watching movies, not porn but just movies and to this day have a very extensive collection which has been well used with all movies having been watched at least 4 to 5 times each , some a lot more. I also have a very extensive collection of books, and again all well used with having read them over and over.
This kept my brain occupied while I was alone, yet every day I would go to work and fake being happy. No one had a clue just how alone and lonely I was, I would just smile and pretend everything was great. At this time I got a computer and started out playing games and got into basic chat programs that back in the day were just purely text. I found I could meet people all around the world with things in common, so would play games , download music and chat on these text programs. Over the years the internet grew and things started to become faster. I then found video chat programs and started on those. At first it was very innocent, then I found out what now seems to be the norm. It peaked my curiosity so I found a couple of programs and tried them out with live video chat with different people.
This went on for a while with some people I would talk to all the time, then there were the other ones that were different. I didn't really get hardcore into porn, but would watch it the odd time because it was there. But with the video programs it was there and was usually someone on it whether just to talk, or to go on and do other things. Once cell phones came out more mainstream, the compulsion brought me to sexting, and sometimes even with friends I would slip into mode and say something inappropriate. I don't know why it happened, and possibly sometimes might not have even been aware I did it.
I gave up the video chat program live calls a number of years ago, and the innocent chat ones faded out in early 2019 as the ones I always just talked to faded out and stopped using the program. During this time I was constantly sexting 1 girl that yes we had met physically, and a few times a year we would meet. I put a stop to this and walked away by just ignoring her texting me once I met a woman and fell in love. I deeply love this woman but have lost all trust as she found things on my computer and phone. I was never really trying to hide things, but I had old stuff from the video chats, and old texts that I never deleted. Now she won't believe that she had seen everything and knows everything, and I have said I will fix myself and get to the bottom of these compulsions and where they began.
I have deleted all texts, videos , pictures, the contacts that I had. I have allowed monitoring of both laptop and phone to prove I have nothing else to hide and no more secrets. I have started talking with a therapist and have the workbook he recommended for the things we will be talking about. I know I did the wrong things and own that I have a problem or yes an addiction. I know I can beat this as I have walked away from the video chats, have walked away from the sexting even with the girl that we had occasional hookups. I am hoping the therapist can start me on the right path of what to look for so I can fix it.
I have had sexual issues for a bit and they might possibly be caused by something in my brain due to this stuff. I seem to be overly stimulated and have issues with PE that I had never had issues with before. Also I find I have issues with ED as sometimes it starts ok , then all the sudden nothing. This also seemed to happen when I went in for a camera test due to not peeing properly. I continue to have that issue also where it always feels like I have to pee, and when I do go it is very little and kind of trickles out a little, then a little more. The feeling never seems to go away 100%, yet they found no issues other then a little inflammation when they shoved the camera up there. It is very hard to deal with both of those where I never had issues with in the past. Every time it happens it is a huge hit to the pyschie, and it is like a never ending cycle that causes more anxiety and most likely more issues with both.
I really want to fix myself mentally and physically so I can have a normal healthy, happy relationship with my one true love where we grow old together.
If anyone has or has had these compulsions or issues, I would like to hear from you and maybe we can give each other support or other information that can benefit us or anyone else that ends up in the same situations.
I have had bad experiences and due to that suffer from low self esteem. Because of the low self esteem I stayed in bad relationships much longer than I should have, but also the low self esteem caused me in my earlier years to stick to myself. I spent a lot of time alone inside my head, with darkness and brooding. I started out by spending a lot of time watching movies, not porn but just movies and to this day have a very extensive collection which has been well used with all movies having been watched at least 4 to 5 times each , some a lot more. I also have a very extensive collection of books, and again all well used with having read them over and over.
This kept my brain occupied while I was alone, yet every day I would go to work and fake being happy. No one had a clue just how alone and lonely I was, I would just smile and pretend everything was great. At this time I got a computer and started out playing games and got into basic chat programs that back in the day were just purely text. I found I could meet people all around the world with things in common, so would play games , download music and chat on these text programs. Over the years the internet grew and things started to become faster. I then found video chat programs and started on those. At first it was very innocent, then I found out what now seems to be the norm. It peaked my curiosity so I found a couple of programs and tried them out with live video chat with different people.
This went on for a while with some people I would talk to all the time, then there were the other ones that were different. I didn't really get hardcore into porn, but would watch it the odd time because it was there. But with the video programs it was there and was usually someone on it whether just to talk, or to go on and do other things. Once cell phones came out more mainstream, the compulsion brought me to sexting, and sometimes even with friends I would slip into mode and say something inappropriate. I don't know why it happened, and possibly sometimes might not have even been aware I did it.
I gave up the video chat program live calls a number of years ago, and the innocent chat ones faded out in early 2019 as the ones I always just talked to faded out and stopped using the program. During this time I was constantly sexting 1 girl that yes we had met physically, and a few times a year we would meet. I put a stop to this and walked away by just ignoring her texting me once I met a woman and fell in love. I deeply love this woman but have lost all trust as she found things on my computer and phone. I was never really trying to hide things, but I had old stuff from the video chats, and old texts that I never deleted. Now she won't believe that she had seen everything and knows everything, and I have said I will fix myself and get to the bottom of these compulsions and where they began.
I have deleted all texts, videos , pictures, the contacts that I had. I have allowed monitoring of both laptop and phone to prove I have nothing else to hide and no more secrets. I have started talking with a therapist and have the workbook he recommended for the things we will be talking about. I know I did the wrong things and own that I have a problem or yes an addiction. I know I can beat this as I have walked away from the video chats, have walked away from the sexting even with the girl that we had occasional hookups. I am hoping the therapist can start me on the right path of what to look for so I can fix it.
I have had sexual issues for a bit and they might possibly be caused by something in my brain due to this stuff. I seem to be overly stimulated and have issues with PE that I had never had issues with before. Also I find I have issues with ED as sometimes it starts ok , then all the sudden nothing. This also seemed to happen when I went in for a camera test due to not peeing properly. I continue to have that issue also where it always feels like I have to pee, and when I do go it is very little and kind of trickles out a little, then a little more. The feeling never seems to go away 100%, yet they found no issues other then a little inflammation when they shoved the camera up there. It is very hard to deal with both of those where I never had issues with in the past. Every time it happens it is a huge hit to the pyschie, and it is like a never ending cycle that causes more anxiety and most likely more issues with both.
I really want to fix myself mentally and physically so I can have a normal healthy, happy relationship with my one true love where we grow old together.
If anyone has or has had these compulsions or issues, I would like to hear from you and maybe we can give each other support or other information that can benefit us or anyone else that ends up in the same situations.