Hi Everyone,
I am a 41 year old porn addict. (might as well start there!)
Firstly I want to say thanks, have spent the past few days reading a lot here on this forum. People's journey, thoughts, experiences and honestly it's been great for my hope and drive to rid myself of this secret side of my life. Seems like there's a super supportive, knowledgable, transparent and honest community here!
My journey to P addiction is not too dissimilar to many others here. It's started with finding P magazines under my Dad's bed, then the introduction of DVDs in the 90s right through to high speed internet P of today. I remember some of my first exposures to P and how excited I was, this IS and has always been my poison! Growing up I never realised the effect that p was having on me (or more importantly my brain) and it was so common amongst my friends that I didn't think much about it.
Fast forward to my 40s - I'm married to the kindest women you could ever meet with 3 incredible kids. On the outside things are good, decent job, great circle of friends etc. However this struggle is a huge part of my life and it's slowly killing me. I hate the person I have become when I am wrapped up in the addiction. I hide away and all I can focus on is my next chance to act out, it leads me to disconnect from my family and become a selfish asshole! It's not the way I want to live the rest of my life. I guess that's my "why" for change. To be the best version of myself and lead a great life.
Roughly 6 years ago I realised that my P habit was beginning to affect my life and I began what turned out to be a loosing battle to quit looking at P. Over that time I have tried many many times (over 100 I would guess) to quit looking at P. If you're reading this you may be thinking I didn't try very hard, it would be an understandable assumption. However I have tried, I have joined groups, I have created plans, I have made big promises to myself, I have set boundaries, I have blocked access, I have confessed my addiction to my wife, I have cried my eyes out in despair on many occasions...
But here's the really pathetic part... I have never made been able to get past 30 days without PMO in all those attempts to quit. I would shamefully consider myself the ultimate serial relapser. I am astonished that this thing has such a tight grip on me that I cannot even get past 30 days without PMO. I have however learned a lot in the past 6 years about myself and the addiction and I am ready to battle this again.
I would like to check in here regularly as a way to stay accountable to others and learn from the experiences of the group. They say the opposite to addiction is connection!
My plan is to take this one day at a time. Today is day 5 of no PMO.
Thanks for reading.
I am a 41 year old porn addict. (might as well start there!)
Firstly I want to say thanks, have spent the past few days reading a lot here on this forum. People's journey, thoughts, experiences and honestly it's been great for my hope and drive to rid myself of this secret side of my life. Seems like there's a super supportive, knowledgable, transparent and honest community here!
My journey to P addiction is not too dissimilar to many others here. It's started with finding P magazines under my Dad's bed, then the introduction of DVDs in the 90s right through to high speed internet P of today. I remember some of my first exposures to P and how excited I was, this IS and has always been my poison! Growing up I never realised the effect that p was having on me (or more importantly my brain) and it was so common amongst my friends that I didn't think much about it.
Fast forward to my 40s - I'm married to the kindest women you could ever meet with 3 incredible kids. On the outside things are good, decent job, great circle of friends etc. However this struggle is a huge part of my life and it's slowly killing me. I hate the person I have become when I am wrapped up in the addiction. I hide away and all I can focus on is my next chance to act out, it leads me to disconnect from my family and become a selfish asshole! It's not the way I want to live the rest of my life. I guess that's my "why" for change. To be the best version of myself and lead a great life.
Roughly 6 years ago I realised that my P habit was beginning to affect my life and I began what turned out to be a loosing battle to quit looking at P. Over that time I have tried many many times (over 100 I would guess) to quit looking at P. If you're reading this you may be thinking I didn't try very hard, it would be an understandable assumption. However I have tried, I have joined groups, I have created plans, I have made big promises to myself, I have set boundaries, I have blocked access, I have confessed my addiction to my wife, I have cried my eyes out in despair on many occasions...
But here's the really pathetic part... I have never made been able to get past 30 days without PMO in all those attempts to quit. I would shamefully consider myself the ultimate serial relapser. I am astonished that this thing has such a tight grip on me that I cannot even get past 30 days without PMO. I have however learned a lot in the past 6 years about myself and the addiction and I am ready to battle this again.
I would like to check in here regularly as a way to stay accountable to others and learn from the experiences of the group. They say the opposite to addiction is connection!
My plan is to take this one day at a time. Today is day 5 of no PMO.
Thanks for reading.