Make it count one day at a time

Hi everyone,

I have been reading for a few years both on YBOP and the different forums including this one. First time posting - not sure if I will be good at it but just thought that I need to try something different. My story is pretty much the same as everyone else here who's in their late 40s. I may develop more in future post but the patterns are all the same from what I can read. I have tried I don't know how many times to quit PMO however in retrospect I think more often than none my mindset and seriousness were not into it. I think I was lacking the sense of "urgency" because 1) I was able to hide my secret well and was never confronted and 2) I don't have physical issues (for now) related to my porn use.  I think the longest I have gone is 17 days.

I know I have been addicted to porn for quite some time but for one reason or another I was not willing to either break this habit or put in the effort required.

Couple of things happened recently that forced me to take a good look in the mirror and get that desire and willingness to get on it seriously.

1) I was hit with a realization, as I mentioned before although I knew very well that I am addicted to Porn, one of my browsing session I could identify by name probably 80% of the performers just by looking at the pictures/thumbnails. it just hit me in the face just how sick this is and how much of a ridiculous amount of time I spent online watching this crap.

2) I have a son that is now 15 years old (my daughters are in early 20s) - he had some exposure to porn for a few years now and we did have a few discussions on the subject. At this point, I want to be able to have those conversations but I also want to make sure that I can support with actions and not just talking. This is to be honest a very delicate matter that I am not sure how to handle, I don't want to create a problem if there is not an issue however I don't want to pretend or ignore what he might be doing. In any case this is a though one, not sure if any of you of dealt or dealing with this. I will have to put in some more thoughts on this and try to get educated. I can't even imagine how I would've turned out if I go back 35 years at that age with everything that is now available at the tip of their fingers today.....

That's it for now, thanks for reading.

I have overcome a lot of things in my past through sheer willpower but PMO was either too much of a coping mechanism to do away with, too much of a habit but most likely both. You have enough reasons because of your son but the most important reason is you know you have a problem and want to fix it. Admitting you have a problem is a huge first step. Coming to this forum is another. Keep taking those steps!

As for your son, it's very important that you can arm him with the knowledge that you didn't have about the effects that porn can have. Men our age started with magazines and then slow-loading pictures. Kids can access an absolutely terrifying amount of stuff and it will only continue to get worse.

Good for you for working on this, and welcome to the forum!

Concept of living in the moment, make the present count, seize the day, carpe diem.....we all have our definition more or less but what does it mean exactly? How do we apply this simple concept in our complex hectic day to day life. This is a question I have been focusing on the last 6 months.

Little background story, last December 31st I was rushed to the hospital with my heart racing at 260bpm for better part of 40 minutes. They had to shock me back to bring it down. I had a heart condition (born with) that was diagnosed in 2010 called WPW syndrome. Essentially I had too many "wires" in my heart, the extra electrical pathway caused a short circuit. Couple of cardiologist told me that I have been extremely lucky I could've gone in cardiac arrest at any point during that 40 minutes. I had a procedure done called catheter ablation to remove those extra "wires".  Needless to say that although the procedure is pretty common the whole episode was scary and without sounding to clich? it changes how you see things. When I got out of the hospital I had the constant fear that my heart would go crazy again whenever I was doing some sort of effort. Technically I'm fixed but the fear was there. Then entered the abstract concept of "living the moment"

I am currently reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, although I had a hard time to get into it the first 75 pages or so - it does touch on that subject with some concepts of accepting the negative thoughts and let them exist and not try to control them or used techniques to replace them. It also explains the "thinking self" vs the "observing self" which is an integral part of making the present count. From my past experience trying to quit PMO and by reading certain comments here on this forum - the focus is sometimes more on how many days I achieve so far or the goal itself (eg 90 days....) but the most important part is how do I handle the here and now and how can I overcome what I'm feeling today. Recognizing that progress can be measure with metrics such as the number of days you are clean - this should not be on the top of your motivation list.

This is what I want to integrate in my journey although the human mind by nature we tend to forget. Every morning I go outside sit on the porch alone as I get up before everyone else and have a coffee and just listen to whatever sounds there to listen to. This is the start of my day living that important moment. On most days I tend to have forgotten by noon with the craziness of my work. It doesn't matter the following morning I do it again.

Make it count one day at a time.

Thanks for reading. 

Welcome makeitcount. Be assured that there's no need to be 'good at it' in terms of posting - just be yourself and in my experience you will be met by compassion and support. It seems as if you have invested a lot of time in the past understanding the theory behind porn addiction which is great. Being clear on your motivation, and that motivation centring on YOU is, in my experience important. Simple reason being if you do it primarily for someone else, your wife, son etc then when there is a disturbance in that relationship (an argument for example), you have a tendency to revert to type, as the reward centres in your brain are very convincing and persuasive. At least that's my experience. So doing it for your son is admirable, but maybe it might be more effective to develop the strength of feeling and motivation around your first reason below, and see the benefit that progress will bring to your relationship with your son (and others around you) as a bonus. My experience hasn't been dissimilar to yours in the sense that I did plenty of readying and studying about the theory of recovery, and was also very motivated to stop. This issue was that I kept falling at 10-14 days (bar a couple of exceptional grit your teeth longer runs). When I came here and added the phenomenon of human interaction, support and accountability to my mix, I really started to flourish. My view is that we are to some greater or lesser extent building up a toolkit that can help us towards recovery, and at some point we reach a tipping point. As I say, mine was coming here and I'm really grateful to the guys for their support. Your tipping point maybe real clarity about your motivation, and being part of something here that is testament to that commitment. It might be something entirely different. Anyway, great to have you on board and best of luck in your journey.

The first few days are usually the easy ones, most of the time just surfing on the good mindset  based on the preparation and motivation of the start of a new streak. The beauty of failing so many times with the relapses is I know exactly what's ahead, what obstacles or roadblock I will encounter, situations that I will be faced with that I will need to confront, trigger and urges looking around the corner. The danger of this is once again spending too much time planning ahead for those though times without making sure that I build my strenght here and now to face them. The apprehension can sometimes also become a trigger, the awareness of the road ahead is equally important than the work that I am doing in the present if I want to be successfull. The 5-7 days mark is usually an important reference point to see where I'm at emotionally and adjust my mindset if necessary. Will see when when I get there....

This is my first time really doing the things I need to do to really kick PMO to the curb. I have a lot of unknowns ahead of me and feel as though I could still be "surfing" at 20 days in, but I come to this forum everyday and am still having "aha" moments every time so I feel like that's a good sign. I will keep my eyes on the road!