My husband and I had a long and painful conversation. He said he understands how deeply he hurt me and that he should provide restitution (emotional) for everything that happened, that the least he should do is help me to feel loved and needed and wanted in this relationship. However, he does not feel that he is going to be able to do that. He said he is finding out he is dealing with a lot of selfishness and is having a hard time putting me first and making my needs a priority. He is doing great with the kids. He admits it has been my support and standing by his side that helped him give up porn and beat the addiction.
But, just what I thought would happen did. I had a feeling I was going to go through hell standing my his side, burying my anger, my fear, my frustration, and supporting him and making him whole and that when it was my time - he would have nothing left to give. And, here we are. He is porn free and now is at a loss of how to support his wife, how to help her feel loved, feel wanted, feel needed. I lowered and lowered and lowered the bar and it never got low enough for him to cross.
I guess tonight we will be talking about how to do things in ways that will hurt the kids the least. I am kind of numb right now. Thirteen years of marriage and months and months of hell as I supported him through the valleys of recovery from porn addiction and now, all of a sudden - he doesn't know if he has enough to give. He doesn't think he could ever fully restore what his selfishness and porn addiction took away.
I should have left when I first found out. D-day should have been discovery and divorce day, at least I could have used the emotional reserves I gave in supporting him to myself. Everything kept telling me to be selfish, everything kept telling me to dump him and look out for myself and the kids. I didn't do that. I supported every single element of his recovery from PMO - the flatlines, the ups and downs, I was there. I was available to him physically, mentally, emotionally. This was the only place I vented, whenever I felt overwhelmed I would come here and vent and complain because I wanted to be gentle with him. I didn't want to burden him with my pain and my anger and my resentment. I will admit there were a few times when I couldn't hold it in, but I always went back and apologized.
And now that he is healed and I am sitting in a broken heap, there is too much work to be done. He is unsure of his ability to ever make amends, he doesn't think he can ever fully repay me - so, we part ways. Nice prize at the end of the rainbow, right?
Who knows, maybe this is him having an emotional crisis. I don't have time to figure out if this is just his emotions talking or if this is it. The reality is, I guess I am no longer a "partner" of a recovering porn addict, I am an "ex partner". Being strong for the kids right now. Oh well, life goes on. I don't feel bad about having high standards. I don't feel bad about asking to be made to feel like I was loved, like I was wanted, like I was appreciated. I know if I would have just accepted scraps there wouldn't be an issue. But, I am not a dog. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be appreciated, I deserve to be wanted. So, I close this door with my head held high.
But, just what I thought would happen did. I had a feeling I was going to go through hell standing my his side, burying my anger, my fear, my frustration, and supporting him and making him whole and that when it was my time - he would have nothing left to give. And, here we are. He is porn free and now is at a loss of how to support his wife, how to help her feel loved, feel wanted, feel needed. I lowered and lowered and lowered the bar and it never got low enough for him to cross.
I guess tonight we will be talking about how to do things in ways that will hurt the kids the least. I am kind of numb right now. Thirteen years of marriage and months and months of hell as I supported him through the valleys of recovery from porn addiction and now, all of a sudden - he doesn't know if he has enough to give. He doesn't think he could ever fully restore what his selfishness and porn addiction took away.
I should have left when I first found out. D-day should have been discovery and divorce day, at least I could have used the emotional reserves I gave in supporting him to myself. Everything kept telling me to be selfish, everything kept telling me to dump him and look out for myself and the kids. I didn't do that. I supported every single element of his recovery from PMO - the flatlines, the ups and downs, I was there. I was available to him physically, mentally, emotionally. This was the only place I vented, whenever I felt overwhelmed I would come here and vent and complain because I wanted to be gentle with him. I didn't want to burden him with my pain and my anger and my resentment. I will admit there were a few times when I couldn't hold it in, but I always went back and apologized.
And now that he is healed and I am sitting in a broken heap, there is too much work to be done. He is unsure of his ability to ever make amends, he doesn't think he can ever fully repay me - so, we part ways. Nice prize at the end of the rainbow, right?
Who knows, maybe this is him having an emotional crisis. I don't have time to figure out if this is just his emotions talking or if this is it. The reality is, I guess I am no longer a "partner" of a recovering porn addict, I am an "ex partner". Being strong for the kids right now. Oh well, life goes on. I don't feel bad about having high standards. I don't feel bad about asking to be made to feel like I was loved, like I was wanted, like I was appreciated. I know if I would have just accepted scraps there wouldn't be an issue. But, I am not a dog. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be appreciated, I deserve to be wanted. So, I close this door with my head held high.