Red flags

Hi ladies.... I'm really struggling today. OH of nearly 2 years has started withdrawing. Yes he used before we got together,  yes he knows I have issues and porn/datingsites/cam sites are deal breakers for me - he says he hasn't since we got together but that was a while ago he said that now
 
I really don't want to..... just scared and a hate that even the feelings I am experiencing aren't a true reflection of the situation because I'm already aware I've been triggered. 


I can't do that journey again... not sure I'll ever be free of the baggage from my previous experience tbh.
 
I'm on my third relationship with a PA.  Fell in love again, bought the lies AGAIN.  I'm so much smarter and alert and I know the "triggered effect".  Racing mind, questioning yourself, deep gut feeling.  So many men live these double lives and use us as emotional cushions while they indulge in hundreds of sex acts on a screen and lose total interest in sex with us.  Sad truths. 
 

Rookie

Active Member
Coming from a husband (myself) with a PA (though I have a strong streak going, and I'm not turning back). Love my wife too much, and hate what this industry has done to both men and women.

I can tell you that most men, feel incredibly embarrassed with our addiction. Which is one of the main reasons most of us deny using to our spouses. My wife caught me years ago, and she plainly said "if I was intimate more frequently with you, maybe you wouldn't resort to that"...little did we both know, that wouldn't have made a difference.

Looking at it now, if you do confront him, I suggest trying to discover what is pushing him towards it. Some of us, it's stress, anger, anxiety and a host of other reasons that aren't actually sexual. I'm discovering this.

My advice, if you love him, be patient and willing to work with him. If you don't love him, then that's another story.
 

Kimba

Active Member
The problem is you ask them outright and they lie, or the gaslight you, thats what I find, he says u don't trust me, ummm NO haha... or I get, whatever I say he says back to me, so if I say I feel somethings going on with him, he says somethings going on with me, it drives me nuts...  Good luck its tough and its shit no matter how we look at it... Im no spring chicken anymore so I can take or leave it, he knows that and it scares him... But does it scare him enuf to stay straight and honest, that is the question...
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I think it is important to keep something in mind when you are trying to communicate, (I also think this is a good thing for PA partners to understand). The dynamic of trying to stay in a relationship with a PA is a very different dynamic than other relational hurts. See the person who has caused you the hurt is also the person seeking your support. They are a victim and Perpetrator in a way. This is something most PA?s don?t want to hear and get upset about but it is the truth. See, you love them and you want to make it work but at the same time they have also been the one (in a lot of cases but not all) to lie, manipulate, and frankly make you feel pretty worthless. When communicating you need to keep two perspectives in mind. First and foremost you need to have boundaries in mind and start figuring out what you need to heal for yourself. Second, what you are hoping for the relationship. It is almost like these are two different Things. I have found in my own relationship and in connecting with other partners on here for the last few years that a lot of PA?s tend to want you to be their support and partner through this but a lot of times that is a mistake because you can?t be their accountability partner when that triggers you in your recovery. I found it very difficult to hear when my husband was feeling like he wanted to look at porn or when he told be that now was the time of day he was looking at porn knowing that at the very time I was busting my butt doing a bunch stuff and needed his support. There was a lot of sloppy emotions spilling everywhere and it created a ton of arguments. So my point is before you confront him know what you need, and know what you are capable of handling. Be prepared and know what you can commit to and what you can?t. Have that straight before you begin. 
 
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