Author Topic: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021  (Read 352 times)

everything_will_be_normal

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I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« on: January 18, 2021, 09:31:43 AM »
Before you continue
**Expect few Triggers**

I'm 27 right now, and started with PMO when I was about 13 years old.
I never thought something that I found accidentally has grown into life altering(not in a good way by any means).
I had terrible diet, low self esteem, I was basically scared of everything and everyone starting when I was young.
I wish things were different back then, now I suffer from social anxiety, poor communication, low self esteem and PMO makes recovery harder.

Here is how I can put my 14 years of journey with life(this is going to be pretty long and raw, I want to write everything I remember and feel human for the first time):

Discovery(age 13-15):
During this age my
Depression: not much
Anxiety: noticeably existent
Attention/control: laser focused on one task, but can breeze through multiple tasks at once
Brain fog: didn't exist
Diet: No meat, green veggies

I accidentally found it while taking a shower. I was super scared about what was going on, poured a lot of water on it.Eventually my erection was gone. I tried it again next week and it became a habit to make it erect & play with it everyday or every other day. It some how made me excited, we haven't even reach Orgasm yet.

This playing continue for few weeks and I realised that, it 'leaks' something when its erect and I'm playing with it. Trying to find the source, I rolled foreskin down and it grew even bigger. Now comes the problems, I don't know how to close it when its erect. The pulling and pushing made me feel something weird but very good, like my soul left me and I reemerged. This was my first Orgasm.

But I was busy with school during that age, because I don't have to fail and I'm used to meditation so things were under control.
As pressure to do well in school continued I fell to MO as my go to stress buster. Sometimes I used hands and other times pressed my body again bedding and some how reached orgasm.

I still looked at girls/women in a neutral way, there was never gender difference. But this was about to change as I was about to hit 16 years. Girls in school grew breasts and I used to imagine and draw them on my notes and MO continued. When I had any test I used to lock my self in a room, perfect environment for MO.

During this time, my friends gave me a DVD because they thought I never MO. I thought it was a cool new video game, but it was a video file that my codec didn't support. So I was given one more DVD, I still thought it was a video game, I still like playing games.
One final afternoon, when everyone is busy or sleeping I opened it. It started with nice intro music and some title, then what I saw was a naked coloured women shaking her breasts. I stopped it and took a long breath and kept it away. I was so fucking scared for next few hours. I played pinball after that. But my curiosity went up day by day as I watched more of that. That DVD has like 4-5 different genres covered and first I thought it was disgusting and bad to watch it. But with more time I realised that more genres means more fun, more I repeated it less scary and acceptable it was. And this my first PMO experiences. This continued lot more times, and my brain could remember genres and I wanted more genres.

Welcome to Internet(age 15-20)
During this age my
Depression: not much
Anxiety: noticeably existent
Attention/control: laser focused on one task, but can breeze through multiple tasks at once
Brain fog: didn't exist
Diet: No meat, green veggies


Next part of my school was men only, people used to watch porn in school. It was so common to hear popular genres of porn.
I used to save money and buy data plan for my mothers mobile phone. There wasn't any private browsing experience(I mean virtually and physically) so I used to download videos when I'm alone and PMO with clothes ON. The friction of clothing made experience more satisfying but I didn't realise what a mess I made inside and never cared of the actual damage I was doing to the nerves.

There were days when I used to leave downloaded content on phone and forget, when my sisters wanted to use phone, I used to hit them, grab phone and delete content. I did this to my mom as well. I was also caught watching it, but never made me stop. I found better solutions to get rid of things, like downloading content to memory card and kept it with me.

You can use internet for good or bad, well I use it for porn. I use to search for vanilla genres but that was never enough. I read that there are better genres and combination of them and in full 1080P(which my 360P mobile never supported). But the search and journey continued to weaken me mentally. I was barely aware of what was going on,  this was the best stress buster and best dopamine release after all.

With time, I also got my mobile, laptop, and internet was pretty cheap. So I had all things needed at my disposal only waiting for alone time. But I was still busy being the best student at my school and college. But I had problems facing real world like social anxiety and bad communication and I still don't know how to drive at the age of 20.

Dark Times(age 21-27)
During this age my
Depression: slowly going up with age and a fall(as of today, not much)
Anxiety: slowly going up with age and a noticeable decrease(as of today, completely under control like takes few mins to settle down)
Attention/control: gradual fall(as of today hard time to focus on things, but improving as I change my diet and how I consume internet)
Brain fog: gradual increase(cannot process things quickly if I'm not involved into something)
Diet: No dairy,veggies, under my calorific requirement (as of today, including veggies, trying to add dairy to get B12)

This began as I left home for the new job I found, but since there was no one to take care. I lost control of life, I use to sleep at 3 am, play video games, PMO'ed when I wanted, my diet was piece of bread or rice(only carbs mostly). But I was very good at learning things, so I got better at job.

I met a girl, who was in a long distance relationship. She started showing interest into me physically, and eventually we slept and it was awesome. Honestly till this point, PMO had almost no noticeably bad effect on my life, even with a real women. During this time, I got back to better diet, but rest of my life was same. She was not the sharpest tool in the shed, I tried to fix her in many ways and she wouldn't. It made me angry and we had fights but resolved with sex. This was an ongoing process of 1-2 yrs. I ate less and removed lot of food groups from diet, I grew more stressed, anxious and 3-5 hrs of sleep. I lost 25+kgs/55+ lbs between 21-23 age, all this lead to more acne, hair fall. My confidence was still good until I visited home, my mom cried and my dad asked me to quit job come back home. They also found about the girl, and I realised how I looked 2 years back and now. I remember looking into mirror and couldn't recognise myself, I could see my scalp, acne on my face, no muscle or fat any where(I must have been at 12% body fat).
Soon she left the country, we both had hard time but moved on. If you ever feel a person is crazy stay away from them independent of gender. I knew that but sex drove me. This is past, but a great lesson to choose a partner. I cannot change a thing about it, so after posting this I'll give my 100% to forget that it happened for a better future.

After this PMO continued, but I had goal to get into a masters course. I tried 3 months and I got good score but failed at interview because of bad communication skills. I replaced my study time with exercise, my confidence grew like crazy. I gained a lot of muscle but still looked lean. I changed my job and diet(still no dairy).

New job paid well but is shit, so I started studying for masters again. But this time I was with a class of students who were probably best in the country. I failed terribly because I couldn't keep up and I kept comparing to them. This put me the most depressed state of my whole life, so I would launch like 30 tabs of porn, youtube videos, self help blogs etc every day and only go through one after that pressing fast forward quickly. After reading the Your Brain on Porn I realised what I did to myself in last 1-2 years without human contact just going in a loop of tabs and skimming through stuff. This made be do everything quickly, fast result with no work needed is what my brain believes in right now and if its not satisfying my craving quickly its of no good even if its basic need for me to live. It is really hard to explain what I mean, but now my brain craves for variety, quick dopamine things.

My porn genres started to get gory, disturbing, stupid. But thank god, I didn't get into any other illegal stuff and didn't break my penis.  Not just that even the way I look at women or men has changed. The way I used to MO have changed, I looked up more methods to do it. I got Porn included ED, discovered when I was invited by an old friend and ended up sleeping with her. It was fine until the foreplay and the moment I was inside, it shrunk made me nervous and made it worse. She was actually pretty cool said that I might be nervous. After going home I quickly pulled out my laptop and watched few videos and got it back hard but I observed that it wouldn't stay up. I was 26 at that time, it took me about 2 yrs to go from hard for 3 rounds to zero rounds. So if you are reading this, please think about your self.

Desire to change
Thanks to the corona virus, I moved back home after turning 27 and thinks look good. I still use to watch porn after coming back home until I realised where my time was going. I spent around 3 hrs watching porn and masturbating. I slowly reduced the time and count until few days back in December my brain wanted more dopamine and I physically hurt my penis while masturbating while it was dry. I felt burning sensation right after I came, I checked and there were rashes on the tip. That was it I knew I have crossed every limit I had set to my self.

So I started no PMO since Jan 2 2021 and relapsed on 15th by watching porn but stopped I was about to come. On 17th I came without trying while watching more porn. In this 15 days I observed that it is really hard to change something that has been engraved into my brain for 14 years. But I'm determined to change this no matter what it takes, I want to take control of my life and live the way I know is the best. I thought my brain knew what is best for me and left it for few years, looks like thinks have to change.

In last 15 days, I got erections after waking up, when I saw women in bikini, and any thing that resembles human privates. I want to change how my brain looks at the world. I want to see balloons as balloons, women as women no distortion. I'm still going through comments on the forum and also Your Brain on Porn to control my urges and rewiring my brain.

Also I have been meditating since last 17 days on Medito, Headspace apps, also checkout Headspace Guide to Meditation on Netflix.
I also used Woebot for CBT techniques.

For Better days
I want to continue what I'm doing like meditation, no PMO. But also want to workout or do some yoga to start with, along with that I want to eat all food groups in a week for a balanced mind and body.

I want to go out with a mask, like everyone is. I have social anxiety and low self esteem which makes me think people would judge me for something. Any suggestions or help here is appreciated.
Same goes to communication, this will help me change my job and be less nervous when talking to someone. I'm planning to taking some courses for my communication and confidence.

I will keep posting weekly or daily on how I'm keeping my urges away with above filled tasks and goals.
I'm open to suggestions, criticism :)

If any one thinks any part of this story made you relapse or made you think about something. Please PM or leave comment I will remove or update it.

It has been about 3 hrs I'm writing this, and finished proof reading. I feel like I have let go of things that were inside me for years, I will definitely sleep more peacefully. Now I understand the power of journal/expressing things to someone or yourself out loud. Also I wasn't distracted for last 3 hrs and I'm feeling good.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2021, 09:45:41 AM by everything_will_be_normal »

k-fff

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2021, 05:42:37 AM »
It is good that you posted your story. I think people function better when they have a group supporting them. My only recommendations for reducing urges that have helped me. Just reduce the amount of time you spend online in general. I still spend far too much time online myself  I noticed, but just what I have cut down has made a big difference. I also would recommend in your case no MO. It sounds like pmo and mo have just taken a very large toll on your body. I think resting that part of your body as much as you possibly can is best. I hope for you all the best. Porn really is poison.

everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2021, 09:53:40 AM »
Day 18:
I started this journal and I almost had no time to think about sex or porn in general. So I didn't need to put extra effort on controlling urges

Day 19:
Woke up with a boner despite having a bad sleep, generally doesn't happen.
Later was a bit annoyed(nothing to do with sex or porn), but a good meditation session did help. I did have few urges but was easy to control. I'm still having few distortions, I think about private parts as I see similar shaped objects in real life. Staying away from internet as much as I could.
 

Shaka99

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2021, 09:59:38 AM »
Hi

It was very good for me to read your story. It is very similar to mine in many ways. My first contacts with porn, daily PMO, relationship, PIED ... everything is very similar.


I also started 2021 with the purpose of achieving the reboot but relapsed yesterday so this is my day one. I think meditation and exercise can be very useful, so I will try

Good luck to you! I will be reading your posts! if you want read mine and we can support each other. :D

everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2021, 10:01:44 AM »
It is good that you posted your story. I think people function better when they have a group supporting them. My only recommendations for reducing urges that have helped me. Just reduce the amount of time you spend online in general. I still spend far too much time online myself  I noticed, but just what I have cut down has made a big difference. I also would recommend in your case no MO. It sounds like pmo and mo have just taken a very large toll on your body. I think resting that part of your body as much as you possibly can is best. I hope for you all the best. Porn really is poison.
You are right, reading through what people have gone through makes me feel I'm not alone. This place lets me share the insecurities and keep confident. I'm really thankful to this community.
It has been rooted in my mind that all 3 are same or dependent. I'm planning on continuing this no PMO challenge, avoiding all 3 of them.

everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2021, 11:45:23 AM »
Day 20:
Fairly easy day, had more urges compared to yesterday but nothing out of control. Looked at a women and though she was cute(in a good way).

worldlit4213

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2021, 12:24:12 AM »
That's awesome bro! Keep up the streak.

everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2021, 06:06:02 AM »
Day 21:
Another easy day, but I did touch myself and had an erection. Stress and urges make it harder to keep things under control, but they go away pretty quickly.


everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2021, 03:53:23 AM »
Day 22 and 23 : These days were probably setting up for Day 24, I continued to control my urges but couldn't, I didn't PMO but mentally I knew it was coming. Also I noticed weekends have higher chances of PMO'ing than other days.

Day 24: I MO'ed today, I had a weird dream and the day continue to be okay. I was also looking about something related to penis, which was a bad move. As I went into shower and started cleaning my private parts, then I masturbated with no lubrication. This not only gave me 2-3 rashes on the PP head but I feel bad and disappointed with myself. I feel like more I touch my private parts more is the urge, I knew this and everyone knows this. But I'm not sure why I feel hurting myself this way. This is the second time I did this to myself.

The physical damage I'm doing goes away but unknowingly I'm creating a new path for pleasure. My brain already is aware of this and I do not want to go down this lane. I feel really scared, nervous, and holding back my emotions. I feel like I might cry by the time I finish writing this journal today.

My brain feel way more powerful than my will power. I feel different, like I don't know what to do and how to feel about all this. I'm questioning myself Am I the same person who started the journal with the name ' I believe everything is going to be okay'.

I had no urges to open porn or think about it, but couldn't keep myself away from touching and thinking about my own body.  I will keep a strict rule of not playing with my body or need to consonantly cleaning my penis. If I keep these in check I should be good.

I really thank this forum to let me express myself and let me discuss my problems. Without this I would have just spiralled around the internet for help.

anubu0

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2021, 01:14:41 PM »
Hey man, its really common to feel the way you are feeling especially around the 1 month mark.

Withdrawal symptoms have started to kick in: your lower brain is crying for some dopamine while your upper brain and prefrontal cortex is weakening. The important thing to remember though is that no matter how much you "feel" like you want it, you know you can't indulge those feelings. Your prefrontal cortex will prevail so long as you maintain it and your motivation. I would recommend 2 things: reading your old journal entries and also meditating. These two activities "clear" the head, especially meditating, and will help you think straight and clearly rather than through your urges/the way your body feels.

everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #10 on: January 25, 2021, 09:20:54 AM »
Hey man, its really common to feel the way you are feeling especially around the 1 month mark.

Withdrawal symptoms have started to kick in: your lower brain is crying for some dopamine while your upper brain and prefrontal cortex is weakening. The important thing to remember though is that no matter how much you "feel" like you want it, you know you can't indulge those feelings. Your prefrontal cortex will prevail so long as you maintain it and your motivation. I would recommend 2 things: reading your old journal entries and also meditating. These two activities "clear" the head, especially meditating, and will help you think straight and clearly rather than through your urges/the way your body feels.
Thanks for your input, I have been following meditation for last 24 days. It did help me with controlling urges. Next time when I have urges I'll just start meditation. Also will go through my older journal posts keep my head clear

everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2021, 09:26:00 AM »
Day 1: A new beginning, it was a great day. I had 0 thoughts about anything related to PMO. I didn't touch myself.
Even at work I attended session about Emotional Intelligence, I made lot of pointers. I'm planning on going through them daily.
     

anubu0

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #12 on: January 25, 2021, 10:51:47 AM »
Good for you! Keep it up man.

everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2021, 09:39:31 AM »
I relapsed today, but I have learnt so many things today. I was ashamed for few mins but later found out so many simple things I wasn't doing from last 2 years.

1) Working hard:

I was playing an online video game and most of the time came last or lost, but people with same weapons and stats always won or out performed me. I always though how can they win despite having same stats, for few days I thought they had better internet and mobile/computer. Today something happened that was an eye opener, all these days I was either trying to shoot with no proper aim or aim right but never shot. So basically I was super lazy at doing both, it felt like it was not necessary to do both at once. But for one game I did whatever movement and shooting required to win, and for next 4 games I won 3. I then realised that I stopped working hard  to get dopamine and got dopamine from easier things. This applies to both video games and life.

So I started working out today, because working hard felt good an also my avg month total steps have fallen to 20000 per month. I used to avg 200000+ per month. It was super hard to cycle for 5 mins and do a HIIT workout. I was out of breath and muscles were tight. Looking forward to tomorrow.

2) Consistency:

It is never about working out for 60 mins daily, it not possible to go for 60 mins few days. But its okay to workout for 30 mins few days and 90 mins other day. One of most important parts of learning something is consistency.

3) Motivation:

If you want your trainer to push you to start a workout or boss to fire you to search a new job then your motivation is external. You are just doing it because someone or something is pushing you. What if you started working out because you want to squat 8 reps of 100 kg, in order to do that you need to start some where. Now you have your own goal, you ask questions, try harder to reach it and crush it eventually some day.

 There were days I had all of these things with me.
  • I used to work for 8-9 hrs
  • Study for 2-3 hrs
  • Walked 200000+ steps per month
  • Worked out for 45-60 mins
  • Sleep for 8hrs

everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2021, 08:47:35 AM »
Day 1: I had few triggers, but were easy to control. I didn't watch porn or touch myself either. I had an okay mediation session but good workout(but god it was physically hard to workout after 1 yr).  I will continue with both mediation and workout.
I also started read more for my job, my mind is occupied with that more than anything else.

everything_will_be_normal

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Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2021, 01:01:58 AM »
It has been a month now, I haven't updated my journal. I don't feel bad or guilty about any of this, it was a conscious decision to do so.

In last 30 days,
I did relapse many times, but its a progress from PMO'ing everyday to 2-3 times a week.
I no longer have cravings for any of P M O
I don't just surf internet for P when I'm bored or stressed, I'm just more aware of the feelings and talk to myself which helps calming down. Also I have a to-do list and worry list & I tell myself its all in that book nothing to worry.
I observed more morning boners, again this also depends on quality of sleep.

The process to achieve this was
I track my meditations daily, PMO streak
I follow a gratitude journal
I spend a lot of time studying(both for career and personal)
I play video games for Dopamine
I follow pomodoro technique(not quite often), and I fill my breaks with something useful like a walk over a video game
I tend to take down time seriously, any day I feel tired due to lack of sleep or anything I just follow a minimal day and not regretting.
I have been more positive about things and not pushing myself with unrealistic goals
I have been more social and I uninstalled every single social media app on my mobile(I don't feel like I'm missing on anything)
 
 I will post again when I feel like or made some progress. This community is a blessing to people like me, allowing to discuss about most vulnerable parts of our lives. Stay strong and keep moving.