Ugh WARNING - confirm the "focus" of your husband's counselor.

So..... we had a nice little blow up last night.
Why?
Because my husband tells me about his latest 'homework' from his counselor which is for him to start to focus on the things that "make him happy". Apparently, the majority of his time in counseling has been spent trying to 'develop his self esteem' and help him 'find happiness' as apparently he turned to porn because his life wasn't 'happy enough'.

Of course, I HIT THE ROOF!

What the fuck? You have spent months in counseling and what you two have been focusing on is how you can become a 'happier person'. While your wife is sitting home crushed and in despair, we are spending money every month for you to find your happy place? No mention of how to restore or provide restitution for his wife, no discussion of how to build trust. This crack pot counselor even told him that he was only lying 'to protect his self image'. Meanwhile in my therapy I am doing trauma eggs and diving deep into my feelings and trying to learn how to trust and this asshole has been sitting around being assigned to write down "all the things that make him happy and how he can begin to incorporate those things in his life". I COULD PUNCH A WALL. No wonder my husband was still holding on to secrets up to two weeks ago, this dumb ass counselor was telling him none of this was his fault and if he just gets more 'fun' in his life he will be a better person. I told my husband he needed to sue that bastard for malpractice because it just may have cost him his marriage.

It took me looking at my husband in the eyes and saying, "If you found out two weeks ago I got sucked by a prostitute after I had lied to you for months, would you want to hear one damn thing about me right now, in this moment, focusing on things that make "ME" happy and living a happier life?" I had been respecting the counselor relationship and not probing my husband on what was happening because I felt that was his space. Foolish me thinking I could trust a recovering addict to choose a counselor that pushed him to deal with real issues rather than to simply tell him he was a wonderful guy who just wasn't "happy enough" at home. I mean seriously, the asshole counselor just went shy of blaming me, the wife, for not satisfying my man at home and making him stray.

It ALL makes sense now of why it didn't seem like my husband was really progressing when he was going to therapy. The dumb ass counselor was telling him he didn't need to progress, he was a great guy - just a little unhappy. I swear, it took everything in me not to slug my husband when he walked in the door telling me that, "It was time for us to focus on happiness and being happy and that he was committed to being happy and hoped I would choose happiness too." That was his assignment from therapy. Finally come right out and let his wife know that from now on it was time for him to focus on living a happier life and while he 'hoped' she would choose happiness, that had to be his choice right now. His counselor told him the 'key' to his success in all of this (lying, deception, porn, prostitute, etc.) was simply to be a happier person and do more things that made him happy. As if he wasn't sitting in front of the damn computer jacking off for five years because that 'made him happy'. What a nut bag!

Thankfully the group therapy program he just joined (starting soon) is run by professionals that deal with betrayed spouse trauma (as opposed to co-dependency) and they are supposed to help men deal with the root of their porn and sexual addictions. He said he will be looking for a new individual counselor as well. I just cannot believe MONTHS have been spent with him sitting in 'therapy' being told that the root of his issues was simply 'lack of happiness' and 'low self esteem'.

Ladies - if your husband is in regular therapy and seems to be making no progress, break the barrier and ask for specifics about what exactly is being talked about in their therapy session. It might just be that a professional is telling them their porn addiction is partly your fault as the wife because you didn't make them "happy enough" at home.

Just read this.... what can I say? 

The biggest problem with porn addicts is the refusal to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. It's a consistent theme ? they don't see the effects of their behaviour. If we're "lucky" (oh, ha ha) then they will be shocked when they do finally wake up to reality.

We live in a world that normalises porn, and is increasingly trying to make the trafficking, buying and renting of human beings for selfish sexual gratification more 'respectable'.

I mean, I was unhappy and lonely but just had to suck it up. His behaviour told me loud and clear that I was invisible, I didn't matter and I had no choice. Perhaps I should have hired a pretty-boy 'escort' to pay attention to the parts of my body that my husband wouldn't even touch. "But I was unhappy", I could say. That would knock him sideways. But if he'd had some sort of 'no strings' sexual experience he'd have his excuses and his justifications at the ready. The difference is, I didn't look elsewhere. My happiness wasn't even an issue with him.

I asked my husband to change counselor due to something semi similar to that, all the guy wanted to talk about was his anxiety, I'm like fuck your anxiety what about your porn addiction!!!!

His new counselor seems better but there are still things he's shared that worry me, like the guy had said his porn use could have been worse. Well yes I'm sure it could of, but that to me seems a bit like minimising a very problem. However I really don't get much about what they talk about. I know they did a session on communication and I asked hubby if he wanted to share anything about it and got "no" so I was like right, well that session on communication did a stellar job didn't it lol. AH it's not really funny but if I don't laugh I'll curl up into a ball and die I think.

Thankfully my husband came to his senses and is seeking another counselor. But, this first one almost really screwed him up. Definitely went with the comparison thing and because my husband wasn't the worst he had ever seen, it wasn't that big of a deal. Even when my husband did "trickle truth" with him he blew off my husband getting oral sex from a prostitute as no big deal and said that would also be covered by more self esteem and 'happiness'.

Heck, wouldn't we all love a counselor how said all of our problems were simply because we needed more 'happy' in our lives.

Thanks so much! He just started with an individual counselor that specializes in porn and sex addiction as well.

Can you believe his old counselor told him to go on meetup.com to look for others that shared interests so he could find outlets to "do more happy things outside the home". Really? You told that to a sex addict who did acting out behavior? You advised him to go on social media and look for "fun" hook ups?

I saw my husband's notes from therapy, thankfully he didn't follow that advice!

Recommending meetup.com to a porn addict would be the equivalent of recommending a bar to a recovering alcoholic. Sure, you could say "you could just have a Diet Coke" but but but ? it's an environment that makes doing the wrong thing too easy. Sure, you can go on meetup and get together with music fans or opera fans, or people who like golf or hiking, etc etc, but a sex/porn addict in recovery is going to be vulnerable to all kinds of online temptations. Even if they start out with good intentions. As the Paula Hall book says, addictions can't occur without opportunity.

I'm glad he's kicked this one to the curb. There's very little point in having therapy with someone who is not trained in psychosexual problems. Meetup.com might be perfect for someone who has lost their will to leave the house through losing their job, or bereavement, or something that has made them very isolated socially. But for someone with your husband's history, and knowing how being online fuels not just addiction but provides the opportunity to escalate in other ways, no way.

I'm glad he has found a better therapist. It's very difficult because specialists in sex/porn addiction and psychosexual therapy are not that easy to find and they are often more expensive. There is no point in wasting money on bad therapists though. I hope it works out this time.

As a porn addict who's been seeing a female therapist for years, I'm very nervous about admitting my porn addiction when I see her tomorrow. I am determined to focus on this issue and not minimize it. I am afraid that she won't want to be my counselor anymore when I tell her, but this is a risk I must take. I am responsible for my actions and must face whatever consequences arise.

I understand what was written about meetup.com. I did use it to connect with a Buddhist meditation group. If that isn't a safe harbor way to stop self-isolating, I don't know what is! I went last Saturday and plan to again next week. Getting back to Buddhist spirituality led me back to the Buddhist mindfulness training on appropriate sexual conduct, so I believe this was very beneficial.

I can see how other groups might be more triggering, though.