Journals > Ages 40 and up

How Shall We Escape?

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--- Quote ---What is needed for me now is a more deeper repentance. A heartfelt change of attitude toward pornography, p-subs, masturbation and edging that is an actual hatred of it. We may hate P/MO, but maybe only because we'll get caught by our wife, or lose our job, or it makes our noodle not work anymore. But can we hate this for its own sake? Can we hate this thing for what it is in itself? We may not like it, but morality comes into play here- at least for myself.
--- End quote ---

Big congrats on getting to - what is it - Day 117 now? Almost there! I too have come to believe that a change in attitude is needed to truly leave this habit behind. Along with understanding the purpose it has served in your life, it's also important to try and see the behavior from an outside perspective - a difficult thing to do when you're caught up in an addictive spiral. Even with some time and distance away from the behavior, I still have mixed feelings about P/MO myself. I want to hate it whole-heartedly but that "deeper repentance" as you say has been hard to summon. Here's hoping you'll get that point in your recovery soon. Take care, friend!

Phineas 808:
Thank you, LIGA!

I appreciate your support since November when I rejoined! I am confident I will find that change of heart, deep down. While I may not need to watch 'how to' videos on quitting these unwanted behaviors, I am certainly continuing to watch the 'why' porn or PMO are bad for you, or are intrinsically bad or evil, from a more moral and ethical standpoint.

I am about to write an update! I'll see you around RN, and look forward to your own success stories, as I'm sure you're chalking them up.

Take care, as well.

Phineas 808:
Day 120!

Having hit my overall goal (made up of 15 8-day mini-goals), I no longer have to count days!

This is also 4 months of this recovery effort.

Today I hit my overall goal of 120 days without P, PMO, MO, and with only minimal episodes of P-Subs or edging.

I was able to abstain, all without using support groups (besides RN), accountability partners, 12-Step programs, porn blockers, or porn filters.

Analysis of my 120 Day Abstinence Challenge:

Originally in Reboot Nation I had hit 120 days (Journal: The End of All Flesh) back in March of 2015, six years ago! But the overall goal didn't feel genuine, as at day 75 I began to lapse with P-Subs and edging, and felt my goal was compromised.

But, I hit other lengthy streaks after this, as noted in my page 1.

Before rejoining Reboot Nation, I had been escalating in my porn use in frequency and more hardcore. I also began going for PMO, and not simply P. I was averaging about 1-2x a week, with a continuous feed of P-Subs in between acting out sessions.

I began to count days again, as that helped me to be more focused and serious about quitting. But my results varied, as I averaged about every 8 days, sometimes every 6 days before lapsing. The most I could do was a stint of 34 days back on October 31, 2020. Then, afterward, back down to 6. This was a failed attempt to hit 120 days.

After rejoining Reboot Nation, I had a more earnest and diligent approach. I targeted my social media usage: IG, FB, YT, and deleted entirely Pinterest. I also changed my relationship to the iPhone in general, the habits surrounding it, even if innocent on the surface. These mini-habit changes helped me immensley toward my overall habit change goals.

Mostly, I put it out of my mind, and followed pretty much everything listed in my 16 Principles of Recovery as tried and true methods and mindsets that have helped me gain the most traction. These were hard won strategies gained through literally decades of trial-and-error.

My going for the low hanging fruit strategy of having mini-goals, 120 = 15 x 8, helped me also.   

Thoughts and impressions going forward:

My wife and family benefit from a more focused husband and father. My wife and I enjoy more frequent and more intimate sex, and more and more I'm able to focus 'in the moment' without relying on imagination to keep Ol' Willy engaged.

I have more focus on my dreams and goals, and am more excited about my future. I have hopes of fulfilling my dreams of spiritual ministry. I am able to focus on being fruitful in every area of my life.

There is, too, an indescribable joy of being free and unshackled by my former habits and/or addictions. I am no longer obsessive, no longer controlled by the drives of my lower brain. I am no longer keeping this beast in some secret ICU unit of my mind, on the drip-feed of P-subs or edging. Let it die, pull the plug already!

These 120 days have been training. So, this is not the end, but the beginning of a life without P, PMO, MO, P-Subs or Edging. I know how to handle situations. I am keeping my new habits toward phone and pc usage. I can entertain myself through social media, T.V. shows and music, without allowing them to cue me toward urges, or their fulfillment. And, if and when urges do come, I know how to surf these, and dismiss them.

I am excited and ready for a future pregnate with potential, even at my age. And in all vigilance, I aim to protect and deepen this new found lease on life!

Thank you, Gabe Deem, for all that you do (and for your support)!

Blessings, All!

Congratulations Phineas!!!

Nick Simons:
Wow Phineas - not only a tremendous accomplishment @ 120 days ... but all the hard earned lessons along the way that you are sharing are helpful beyond words.  Thanks for all you do! 


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