Artemus
Active Member
I've been here before, many times. 3 years ago I went 128 days with the aide of an image blocker and filter. After removing the image blocker and filter after 120 days due to interference with my work I fell. I've come at this disgusting habitual sin from every angle, tried multiple sites and methods, read multiple religious, scientific, and psychological books on the subject. Watched the videos that are recommended and still I crave this shit. Since my fall I routinely abstain anywhere from 3 to 7 days but never more than 14. I've begged, I've prayed, I've resolved, I've confessed and rededicated myself again and again and again, and still, here I am. Hopeless. Not sure why I came back here, it is not the same place it was 3 years ago and I rarely agree with any of the newbies who seem to think dabbling or any other sort of end run is ok as long as it wasn't actual porn. Frankly, I'm exhausted, I'm tapped out and feel like throwing up my hands and just hurling myself into the abyss.(figuratively) Just want this fight to be over, I'm waving the white flag and laying down my weapons. I'll either be taken by the enemy or slain here on the field, but I can't fight anymore I have no fight left. Only my shame remains intact.
Basic info about me:
Raised in a Christian home, was introduced to porn mags by a friend at age 8 and it took hold in my mind from the get.
Age 12 found porn on cable tv and rewired box for free movies, also began PMO'ing at this time.
Age 15 I began composing my own porn stories and sharing with friends.
At 16 I discovered race cars and gave all my free time to that until I began dating my wife at 22.
Dated my wife for 3 years and so for roughly 9 years I was mostly without porn/PMO as best I can remember. We abstained from actual intercourse until the honeymoon but we did engage in manual and oral.
After we married in 1995 we dabbled with watching playboy together, but soon dropped it and were content with each other for the next 3 years.
Then in 1998 we discovered the interweb and once again porn took hold of me and to my everlasting shame, I shared it with my wonderful bride. For a brief time(months) it was a routine part of our sex life, watching DVDs together and then engaging in sex. Almost immediately I felt convicted over what I had done we agreed to get ride of the movies and went back to our own sex life without outside stimuli.
From then on I've struggled with PMO of different types, but mostly free internet crap. I'd say 2005 was when I really started wanting to be done with porn and began seeking the exit. But its 2020, we're in the midst of a plandemic and here I am bringing up the rear. I have no expectations, I'm just tired and wanted to rant into the ether...
I've already PMO'd 3 times today and feel about as dead inside as I ever have.
Somebody wake me up when this shit is over, because I'm turning off my alarm ???
Basic info about me:
Raised in a Christian home, was introduced to porn mags by a friend at age 8 and it took hold in my mind from the get.
Age 12 found porn on cable tv and rewired box for free movies, also began PMO'ing at this time.
Age 15 I began composing my own porn stories and sharing with friends.
At 16 I discovered race cars and gave all my free time to that until I began dating my wife at 22.
Dated my wife for 3 years and so for roughly 9 years I was mostly without porn/PMO as best I can remember. We abstained from actual intercourse until the honeymoon but we did engage in manual and oral.
After we married in 1995 we dabbled with watching playboy together, but soon dropped it and were content with each other for the next 3 years.
Then in 1998 we discovered the interweb and once again porn took hold of me and to my everlasting shame, I shared it with my wonderful bride. For a brief time(months) it was a routine part of our sex life, watching DVDs together and then engaging in sex. Almost immediately I felt convicted over what I had done we agreed to get ride of the movies and went back to our own sex life without outside stimuli.
From then on I've struggled with PMO of different types, but mostly free internet crap. I'd say 2005 was when I really started wanting to be done with porn and began seeking the exit. But its 2020, we're in the midst of a plandemic and here I am bringing up the rear. I have no expectations, I'm just tired and wanted to rant into the ether...
I've already PMO'd 3 times today and feel about as dead inside as I ever have.
Somebody wake me up when this shit is over, because I'm turning off my alarm ???