First post here: 90 Days Reached [UPDATE]

ajb8487

Member
Hey all,

AJB8487 here going on 90 days of my current reboot. I don't want to bore you with my backstory, just that I had given up alcohol in August '13 because I thought I was depending on it to make me feel better. When I gave up alcohol, I noticed my porn usage was increasing to the point where I had to use a death grip and my ejaculations were weak and sometimes non-existent post O. Even more troubling was my dissent into femdom porn on this one site. Femdom provided a rush to my brain and often it was like crack to me where I would spend an off day binging and spending hundreds of dollars on clip after clip. Usually when I was done I would be disgusted with myself and punch myself in the face. It was then when I heard about rebooting in November of last year and that's when I decided to take the 90 day challenge.

To make a long story short, I failed and I failed often. I would hit a two week wall where I couldn't get over the hump without relapsing. My confidence was at an all-time low, I hated my job, my skin was bad, I put on a lot of fat and I stayed cooped up in my room all day. Eventually, I got down to business and put on porn blocker on my laptop to where I couldn't remove it without having to cut through a bunch of red tape. I was studying for the bar exam this summer which kept my mind occupied and I also resumed doing TKD and working out.

90 days later, I've lost 16 pounds, I tested for my black tip in TKD, I vacationed in CA and surfed for the first time, I've gained a ton of confidence and actually enjoy engaging in small talk with strangers. I find that more women are attracted to me now and I don't get hung up on rejection on insecurity.

Advice that I would give to people struggling right now:
1.The first two weeks are going to be the worst but once you get past them it goes by a lot faster. The days start blending together. From day 45 to day 90 felt like it happened in just a few weeks.

2. Diet and exercise. Nothing feels better than self-improvement. When you start to lose weight and your clothes fit better it provides a surge of confidence and good feelings. That confidence you get from getting into good shape will help you succeed with your reboot.

3. Stoicism. When we're stressed or depressed or anxious is when we tend to PMO. If you're having a tough or stressful day, let your mind be unbothered. Smile, laugh, walk your dog. Learn to let it slide off of you and you'll react less impulsively to stressful triggers.

4. Don't flip out over wet dreams. I used to do so which would lead me back into my PMO habits. If you're having a dream that you're engaging in PMO and you have a wet dream, oh well. It's nothing that you did consciously and you can't control your body when you sleep. Shower off and focus on your day.

5. Try new things. While it's good to stick to a routine you definitely want to inject some novelty into your life to satisfy your brain. Join a martial arts class, travel, try new foods, start up small talk with strangers, introduce yourself to that cute girl in your class (she won't bite), raise a puppy.

Anyway, I'm glad to be at 90 days. People talk about the benefits you achieve when you reboot but what it comes down is gaining confidence that you can let go a habit that controls your life. And once you have that confidence you realize that there's a lot of great you can accomplish.

Good luck to everyone here.

[UPDATED]

Just checking in to tell everyone that I've doubled my progress since I made the original post as tomorrow I'll be at 180 days. I've lost 25 pounds, gotten a government position and was introduced to a really awesome girl that I feel comfortable and happy around. Keep accumulating those days and if you fall off the horse, get right back on.
 

Pheonix

Member
Congratulations on your success! I am at the beginning of my journey.

Have you stayed away from alcohol? I have a long history of alcohol use and abuse and I find that it contributes to my use of porn. When I am off one, I am more likely to lean more heavily on the other. Right now, I am off both. This is difficult, but probably the best way to go. Your thoughts on this relationship would be appreciated.
 

ajb8487

Member
Thank you.

And I've abstained from alcohol since August 11 of last year. I felt for a long time that alcohol and porn were two black clouds hanging over my head and gave me an excuse to stay inside. Whenever I was feel down or sad, instead of exploring my feels I decided to numb myself either by binging on porn or getting drunk.

I think I'm more in touch will my feelings now and for the first time in a while I'm not scared of the future. And I hadn't realized how much that held me back and kept me clinging onto old habits. Instead of seeing the future as opportunity to meet new people, make money or see new places, I saw the future as the other shoe dropping and time wasted.

I don't know if I'll ever drink again. Sometimes I miss it but I don't miss the hangovers, making an ass out of myself or spending a lot of money and consuming empty carbs. I don't advertise it when I'm out with people, I just politely refuse a drink and people usually don't inquire any further. I'm 27 now so it wouldn't be like if I was just starting college where I'd probably feel more pressure.
 

recidivist

Active Member
Hey, congratulations, reading a story like this now was what I needed!
I feel what you're talking about, although I always found a way to watch stuff free, I was into this femdom stuff too. I am on my day 48, sometimes I feel disgusted by those fantasies and real confident in social activities, but  sometimes it feels like I can't be cured, the cravings come back and it feels like that's my true nature.
When did you notice you weren't into femdom porn anymore? Do you feel cured?
 

ajb8487

Member
Thank you and good job on making it as far as you have. I'll address both of your points.

1. As far as freaking out because you think something is your true nature. I doubt that most people who get off to femdom porn actually want to live a life of servitude or submissiveness especially when you find yourself feeling repulsed afterward. It's more likely than not that you stumbled onto something that was unique and taboo to your brain and it responded by shooting out a lot of pleasure.

What I've started to realize is that femdom actresses or directors are in a business to make money and keep the customers coming (no pun intended.) There's a lot of brainwashing in the femdom clips where a beautiful woman berates you and convinces you that you're too weak and helpless to control your urges and that you should just offer up your time and money to them. Eventually you begin to believe it and your self-esteem drops lower and lower. I got to the point where I would find excuses to cancel dates with really attractive and interesting women just because I felt like there was this dark side to me that I was terrified of them finding out. Or that I had a black cloud hanging over my head. What I should have realized is that the actresses/producers have their own agenda in making you doubt yourself so you'll keep giving them money so they can make a living. Whether or not it's your true nature, it's still your choice.

2. As far as being "cured" is concerned. The first step I had to take was to love myself and not be ashamed of myself. It?s not my fault. I had no idea that things would come to this and that I?d get addicted to porn. People always make porn out to be some harmless vice. Had I known that it?s a cyber-drug, capable of sending users down a dark and twisted path that leads to all these negative emotions, then I might have kept my hands off. It?s evil and counterintuitive to my personality and all the things I want to accomplish in my life. It was either grow up and fulfill my dreams and goals or let this addiction shackle me and continue to tumble down this dark path leading to more self-torture and anguish.

My advice to you is to not be afraid and to not sell yourself short. You are not your brain and you're responsible for your own actions. Carve out the life you want to live according to your dreams and goals and don't let porn stray you from that path. In time the investment will result in great gains, my friend.
 

recidivist

Active Member
Yes, I had the same feeling of emptiness and my confidence just sank lower and lower after every O, but while watching, I would sell my soul to the devil to be in place of those guys. Your story is definitely inspiring, thanks for sharing and I agree with you on what you said about brainwashing. Creating a word generator for an average femdom movie would be a piece of cake. It's mostly just words such as:"pathetic, loser, tiny d*cked, stupid, silly, not deserving, ugly, etc."  :D  :D
 

kopp

Active Member
This a nice success story. :) I love the fact that you gained confidence and started noticing attracted girls.
 

ajb8487

Member
Just checking in to tell everyone that I've doubled my progress since I made the original post as tomorrow I'll be at 180 days. I've lost 25 pounds, gotten a government position and was introduced to a really awesome girl that I feel comfortable and happy around. Keep accumulating those days and if you fall off the horse, get right back on.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Thanks for the update. This is a very helpful post: both informative and uplifting. Thanks for sharing.
 

Majky

Member
Hello

I wish you great LUCK  8)


btw. Can you compare somehow  your CONFIDENCE now and before "No PMO" ???
 

ajb8487

Member
Majky

My confidence at the start of the year was awful. I'd go through spurts without PMO where I'd feel strong but post-relapse I would feel ashamed of myself and indulge my bad habit more and more. Like I said, I couldn't look women in the eyes and I would find excuses to get out of dates. One time I turned around right before I got to the parking garage, called my date and told her I was sick and couldn't make it. Other times I would rush through dates as fast as possible just to get it over with and go home so I could relieve my anxiety through PMO. The best way I can describe PMO addiction is like having a black cloud hanging over your head. People who know me now tell me how much more confident and self-assured I seem lately. Partly because I don't drink anymore but ridding yourself of porn makes your head operate a lot more clearly.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Wow! Thanks for sharing. I've learned a lot from your posts. I long for the day when there is a 1** in front of my recovery counter. You're an inspiration. Be well brother.
 
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