Well, it has been a couple of months since I posted. Things are still in limbo with my husband and I, mainly on his end. He is desperately trying to get me to stay in the marriage. Making all the wonderful promises that sound so beautiful, until it is actually time to walk them out. Then, of course, he fails tremendously. He has been porn free since d-day, just about a year now. I am amazingly proud of his ability to kick the porn habit, I applaud that he got over that hurdle.
However, I still am just not into this relationship. We did the 'hysterical bonding' thing in the beginning and I was trying so hard to help him 'beat porn' that I turned down the voice that was saying, "this is not really what I want in a marriage". Now that porn has been beat, I am still at that point of saying, "this is not what I want in a marriage". As a result, we are pretty much at an stand still. He has been sleeping on the couch for the last two months, because I am not interested in having him in my bed. But, he is fighting getting a divorce, hard. Of course, if a divorce is contested, it is going to take forever and a day. So, we are kind of existing. Being nice and kind to one another, co-parenting the children, even going places together, but I just really don't want this relationship. We went for a walk together yesterday and talked for a bit. It was a good conversation overall, but the result was the same as every other conversation, he believes this marriage can work and be great and I do not want this relationship.
I know it seems crazy, I worked so hard supporting him to help him kick the porn habit. I went through so much emotionally and I had the absolute highest of hopes for this relationship. Now that the fog of porn is gone and it is time for the 'rest of our lives' to start, I just don't want this. The imbalance is too strong and it feels too unfair. My husband is still struggling a lot with things like communication. His first response is still to run and hide instead of facing conflict head on. He doesn't see not honoring his commitments as lying. For instance, he committed to talking with me every Sunday to go over our schedule and ensure I have some time for self care. Has that happened regularly? Absolutely not. Of course, I could remind him every Sunday and he would do it. But, that isn't the type of relationship that I want. It is like that for everything he committed to, no matter how big or small. He does what I remind him or tell him to do. I was hoping that once he kicked the porn habit, he would be ready to have an adult relationship - where we could talk or go out and have fun, just enjoy life. Instead, he is just 'there'. After five years of jacking off in front of the computer, what is left is just a guy who isn't very fun or exciting or interesting to be around.
I no longer desire the parent/child dynamic that developed during his porn use. I am just so ready to start my life, "my life"; a life no longer tied to porn and lies and and all the other crap that came with it. I guess I was expecting too much. I was expecting the problem to be porn and when porn was gone, the guy I feel in love with all those years ago would be standing there and we could run off into the sunset together. That wasn't what happened. Porn is gone, but what is standing there is a guy that was heavily damaged by years of porn use. It has been just a week or so shy of one year, and there are still few signs of the husband I loved. A year ago, when we first started on this journey, I thought I could accept it. But now, I realize that the unfairness of the situation is not okay. I should not have to sacrifice any semblance of happiness just to stay true to vows, especially vows the other person violated (my husband went beyond porn, he put profiles on hook up websites, although d-day came before he could find a fuck buddy, and he went to a massage parlor and got a blow job trying to recreate shit he had seen on porn sites). He drones on and on about not wanting that life anymore and I save him from himself and he is a new man. I believe he doesn't want that life anymore, I believe there is a good chance he has completely kicked the porn habit, I believe he has made a change. That is all good, but this is not the relationship that I want. There is no joy, no fun, I don't trust him, if I don't bring things up (or get angry) he just lives life as if everything is okay.
Right now I am feeling trapped in a cycle of unfairness. I feel like I did my 'time', I supported him through the worst of his addiction. Of course now, he doesn't want to give this up. Honestly, I don't blame him. Who doesn't want a spouse that will be there for you no matter what? I guess he and I both want the same thing. He gets that with me, but I don't feel like I could ever get that with him. And yes, I have told him. And of course when I express my feelings he gets sad and weepy and plays the victim and vows to do better and be the man that I want. And that lasts until my frustration subsides, then he goes back to - just existing.
When we were in counseling they said it generally takes three to five years before trust is rebuilt in a relationship following porn addiction/sex addiction. I guess I just don't feel like spending any more time trying to 'recover' from something so incredibly stupid. I am ready to move on. Unfortunately, my husband's last promise to me is the last promise he is breaking. We both agreed I would give it a year and make a decision. I have made a decision and now he doesn't want to accept it. Unfortunately again, I live in a state where they believe marriages should be saved no matter what and contested divorces can be forced into mediation. So, I get to spend the new few months being guilted into staying. Porn addiction - the curse that just won't die.
However, I still am just not into this relationship. We did the 'hysterical bonding' thing in the beginning and I was trying so hard to help him 'beat porn' that I turned down the voice that was saying, "this is not really what I want in a marriage". Now that porn has been beat, I am still at that point of saying, "this is not what I want in a marriage". As a result, we are pretty much at an stand still. He has been sleeping on the couch for the last two months, because I am not interested in having him in my bed. But, he is fighting getting a divorce, hard. Of course, if a divorce is contested, it is going to take forever and a day. So, we are kind of existing. Being nice and kind to one another, co-parenting the children, even going places together, but I just really don't want this relationship. We went for a walk together yesterday and talked for a bit. It was a good conversation overall, but the result was the same as every other conversation, he believes this marriage can work and be great and I do not want this relationship.
I know it seems crazy, I worked so hard supporting him to help him kick the porn habit. I went through so much emotionally and I had the absolute highest of hopes for this relationship. Now that the fog of porn is gone and it is time for the 'rest of our lives' to start, I just don't want this. The imbalance is too strong and it feels too unfair. My husband is still struggling a lot with things like communication. His first response is still to run and hide instead of facing conflict head on. He doesn't see not honoring his commitments as lying. For instance, he committed to talking with me every Sunday to go over our schedule and ensure I have some time for self care. Has that happened regularly? Absolutely not. Of course, I could remind him every Sunday and he would do it. But, that isn't the type of relationship that I want. It is like that for everything he committed to, no matter how big or small. He does what I remind him or tell him to do. I was hoping that once he kicked the porn habit, he would be ready to have an adult relationship - where we could talk or go out and have fun, just enjoy life. Instead, he is just 'there'. After five years of jacking off in front of the computer, what is left is just a guy who isn't very fun or exciting or interesting to be around.
I no longer desire the parent/child dynamic that developed during his porn use. I am just so ready to start my life, "my life"; a life no longer tied to porn and lies and and all the other crap that came with it. I guess I was expecting too much. I was expecting the problem to be porn and when porn was gone, the guy I feel in love with all those years ago would be standing there and we could run off into the sunset together. That wasn't what happened. Porn is gone, but what is standing there is a guy that was heavily damaged by years of porn use. It has been just a week or so shy of one year, and there are still few signs of the husband I loved. A year ago, when we first started on this journey, I thought I could accept it. But now, I realize that the unfairness of the situation is not okay. I should not have to sacrifice any semblance of happiness just to stay true to vows, especially vows the other person violated (my husband went beyond porn, he put profiles on hook up websites, although d-day came before he could find a fuck buddy, and he went to a massage parlor and got a blow job trying to recreate shit he had seen on porn sites). He drones on and on about not wanting that life anymore and I save him from himself and he is a new man. I believe he doesn't want that life anymore, I believe there is a good chance he has completely kicked the porn habit, I believe he has made a change. That is all good, but this is not the relationship that I want. There is no joy, no fun, I don't trust him, if I don't bring things up (or get angry) he just lives life as if everything is okay.
Right now I am feeling trapped in a cycle of unfairness. I feel like I did my 'time', I supported him through the worst of his addiction. Of course now, he doesn't want to give this up. Honestly, I don't blame him. Who doesn't want a spouse that will be there for you no matter what? I guess he and I both want the same thing. He gets that with me, but I don't feel like I could ever get that with him. And yes, I have told him. And of course when I express my feelings he gets sad and weepy and plays the victim and vows to do better and be the man that I want. And that lasts until my frustration subsides, then he goes back to - just existing.
When we were in counseling they said it generally takes three to five years before trust is rebuilt in a relationship following porn addiction/sex addiction. I guess I just don't feel like spending any more time trying to 'recover' from something so incredibly stupid. I am ready to move on. Unfortunately, my husband's last promise to me is the last promise he is breaking. We both agreed I would give it a year and make a decision. I have made a decision and now he doesn't want to accept it. Unfortunately again, I live in a state where they believe marriages should be saved no matter what and contested divorces can be forced into mediation. So, I get to spend the new few months being guilted into staying. Porn addiction - the curse that just won't die.