I have said this plenty of times since I came back to this forum, but I am not going to stop because I think it is important for many of us to accept. The vast majority of relationships that recover from someone having a porn and/or sex addiction takes three to five years for that relationship recovery. That is it, 3-5 years for trust to be rebuilt, the relationship to be healed, and a healthy and strong relationship to emerge. Not six months, not twelve months, not eighteen months. It is going to take a VERY long time. One of the reasons is because with addiction, patterns have to be changed and maintained. Your spouse is going to have to do the right thing - all day, every day for years in order for that to become his default.
You can click on any partners profile, read their posts, and see the ebb and flow. Why? Because we are in relationships with recovering addicts. Let's stop trying to minimize just how powerful addiction is. Addiction re-wires the brain, and it takes not only commitment and effort, but also time for those brains to get back to a state that is healthy and whole. While we can all be happy and rejoice and applaud the 'good days', our significant others are going to have to be able to sustain that 'good behavior' for significant periods of time for the relationship to truly heal - if we are going for a healthy relationship. Stopping porn and PMO and acting out was only the first step. For my husband, it was the easiest step. The next step is replacing those negative behaviors with positive/appropriate behaviors. Like many, my husband would PMO as a stress reliever, it was his way of blowing off steam or escaping from conflict. Now he has to develop an entirely new set of skills for dealing with life's challenges. That takes time, you don't do it 'right' for a week and then you are engrained in your new behavior. No, you have to make the right decision over and over and over again for months and even years at a time for that to become your default.
Healthy communication skills take a LONG time to develop. You have to practice them consistently, for years, for that to become your default.
Part of relationship healing is rebuilding trust. Again, that takes YEARS. Most of us dealt with a situation in which we didn't have 'disclosure' with our significant other confessing, we had 'discovery' - where our detective skills revealed most of the truth. One of the hardest truths was that our significant other was even capable of leading almost a double life. How do you just up and trust someone that was that much of a deceiver after just a couple months of honest behavior? No, it does't work like that. They have to show themselves trustworthy, consistently, for years before it would even make sense to trust them at just their word alone.
It takes time for recovering addicts to even learn what all of their triggers are. Only after they have identified their triggers can they move on to manage those triggers. Again, that is hard on the relationship. For my husband and I - some of his triggers were things we actually enjoyed. We used to like getting couple's massages. Guess what? Massages are a trigger for him - no more couples massages. The place where we went on our honeymoon had a nude beach. We had planned for years to return for our 15th anniversary. Guess what - no way is that going to happen. Even though it is over a year away, be both recognize it is unrealistic to think he would be able to handle a nude beach by the time that anniversary rolls around. That hurts. I was really looking forward to going back, I cried when I realized we weren't going to return then and maybe never. To think that having to give up so much is going to be healed in a few months is unrealistic.
There may be some miracle level recoveries of people and their relationships. But, I am posting this because I think a lot of partners are getting frustrated because they think their relationship is not healing at a rate that is good. NORMAL, sustained, healthy recovery is three to five years. Everyday you may be getting better, even with all the setbacks, but this is going to be a very long journey toward healing. That three to five years is if your partner is in ACTIVE recovery. It isn't 3-5 years because your partner slacked, it isn't 3-5 years because you didn't get counseling. Working with counselors, having a partner that is doing the hard work, and you working on your own recover - you are still looking at 3 - 5 years.
Look, I have had my own moments when I thought my husband and I were on the fast track because things were going 'so well', they key element that NO ONE can rush is consistency. Their good work, their strong communication skills, their being honest as default, their being trustworthy, you being open, you being vulnerable, you trusting their words and deeds without thinking there is another motive, you both successfully managing triggers, developing new memories that crowd out the memories of the betrayal, all that takes consistency and consistency takes time. Consistency is not 90 day of abstinence - it means a year or more of doing it mostly right the vast majority of the time.
Recovery takes time because recovery takes sustained consistency. And that comes from doing the hard work to even establish what you are both trying to be consistent with. While I wish we all could be superstars in our healing and see our relationships recovered quickly - I think it important to be realistic. For the VAST majority of us, it is going to be in that 3-5 year range. It takes a very long time to pick up and put back together all the pieces that were shattered due to porn/sex addiction.
You can click on any partners profile, read their posts, and see the ebb and flow. Why? Because we are in relationships with recovering addicts. Let's stop trying to minimize just how powerful addiction is. Addiction re-wires the brain, and it takes not only commitment and effort, but also time for those brains to get back to a state that is healthy and whole. While we can all be happy and rejoice and applaud the 'good days', our significant others are going to have to be able to sustain that 'good behavior' for significant periods of time for the relationship to truly heal - if we are going for a healthy relationship. Stopping porn and PMO and acting out was only the first step. For my husband, it was the easiest step. The next step is replacing those negative behaviors with positive/appropriate behaviors. Like many, my husband would PMO as a stress reliever, it was his way of blowing off steam or escaping from conflict. Now he has to develop an entirely new set of skills for dealing with life's challenges. That takes time, you don't do it 'right' for a week and then you are engrained in your new behavior. No, you have to make the right decision over and over and over again for months and even years at a time for that to become your default.
Healthy communication skills take a LONG time to develop. You have to practice them consistently, for years, for that to become your default.
Part of relationship healing is rebuilding trust. Again, that takes YEARS. Most of us dealt with a situation in which we didn't have 'disclosure' with our significant other confessing, we had 'discovery' - where our detective skills revealed most of the truth. One of the hardest truths was that our significant other was even capable of leading almost a double life. How do you just up and trust someone that was that much of a deceiver after just a couple months of honest behavior? No, it does't work like that. They have to show themselves trustworthy, consistently, for years before it would even make sense to trust them at just their word alone.
It takes time for recovering addicts to even learn what all of their triggers are. Only after they have identified their triggers can they move on to manage those triggers. Again, that is hard on the relationship. For my husband and I - some of his triggers were things we actually enjoyed. We used to like getting couple's massages. Guess what? Massages are a trigger for him - no more couples massages. The place where we went on our honeymoon had a nude beach. We had planned for years to return for our 15th anniversary. Guess what - no way is that going to happen. Even though it is over a year away, be both recognize it is unrealistic to think he would be able to handle a nude beach by the time that anniversary rolls around. That hurts. I was really looking forward to going back, I cried when I realized we weren't going to return then and maybe never. To think that having to give up so much is going to be healed in a few months is unrealistic.
There may be some miracle level recoveries of people and their relationships. But, I am posting this because I think a lot of partners are getting frustrated because they think their relationship is not healing at a rate that is good. NORMAL, sustained, healthy recovery is three to five years. Everyday you may be getting better, even with all the setbacks, but this is going to be a very long journey toward healing. That three to five years is if your partner is in ACTIVE recovery. It isn't 3-5 years because your partner slacked, it isn't 3-5 years because you didn't get counseling. Working with counselors, having a partner that is doing the hard work, and you working on your own recover - you are still looking at 3 - 5 years.
Look, I have had my own moments when I thought my husband and I were on the fast track because things were going 'so well', they key element that NO ONE can rush is consistency. Their good work, their strong communication skills, their being honest as default, their being trustworthy, you being open, you being vulnerable, you trusting their words and deeds without thinking there is another motive, you both successfully managing triggers, developing new memories that crowd out the memories of the betrayal, all that takes consistency and consistency takes time. Consistency is not 90 day of abstinence - it means a year or more of doing it mostly right the vast majority of the time.
Recovery takes time because recovery takes sustained consistency. And that comes from doing the hard work to even establish what you are both trying to be consistent with. While I wish we all could be superstars in our healing and see our relationships recovered quickly - I think it important to be realistic. For the VAST majority of us, it is going to be in that 3-5 year range. It takes a very long time to pick up and put back together all the pieces that were shattered due to porn/sex addiction.