Since I am passed the year mark of d-day and being the partner of a recovering porn addict, here are some things that I have personally learned on this journey when it comes to me, my relationship, and the impact of porn addiction and porn addiction recovery on my family:
1. Trust your gut. There are a few reasons why trusting your gut is advised. The most important is that it allows you to validate their own feelings, ideals, and experiences. Even if you are wrong about how you interpret your gut feeling (for example, I knew something was 'wrong', but I didn't know it was porn addiction, I thought it was something else), your inner voice should be acknowledged. That inner voice serves as your body's own 'personal protection system', a subconscious early warning system that something that is damaging to 'you' is near enough to sound an alarm. Respect that voice.
2. A love martyr is not an honorable role to pursue. Love at any costs, supporting someone else even at the cost of your own dignity, pride, and self-esteem, is not a sign that you know how to love bigger, better, or more deeply than others. Love without appropriate reciprocity is a set-up for an emotionally, psychologically, and otherwise abusive relationship. When you deny your own needs in an effort to love someone else, you run the risk of both individuals being torn down. Because loving someone strong while they are not required to have the same commitment to you breeds narcissism in those individuals.
3. Make yourself the first priority. As is said on airplanes, "in case of an emergency, secure your own mask first". I can say with pretty much 100% certainty, my husband and I would have been better on, much earlier on, had I focused on my own needs exclusively first. The back and forth of caring about how he was doing, then how I was doing, then back to him, created what felt like a psychological frenzy - it began to make me feel crazy.
4. The person who breaks it is the person who should be primarily responsible for fixing it. That 'it' goes from anything from the marriage relationship to kitchen windows. Only babies and toddlers need someone else to clean up their messes. My trying to 'fix' the marriage relationship when I wasn't the one who broke it infantilized my husband for way too many months. It allowed him to become selfish when that should have been the opposite of what he was doing. It wasn't until I threw up my hands and said, "Nope, life it easier as a divorced couple, I am done." that he began to step up and work with the concentrated effort required. It was also significantly more helpful to him, because he had to on his own address those issues that would hinder the relationship if not dealt with. It also helped him to stop feeling so out of control.
5. There is always an underlying issue accompanying addiction. If that underlying issue that left the person vulnerable to addiction is not addressed as part of recovery, there is no recovery. As pointed out in an article I linked here recently - abstinence is not recovery. The hard work is dealing with the underlying issue.
6. People treat you how you let them treat you.
7. Trust actions, not words. Judge people by their actions. Judge progress by the actions you see. Acknowledge when you see things that don't look like recovery.
8. Love and marriage/relationship are two different things. Being willing to leave an unhealthy relationship does not mean you don't love the other person. Someone being desperate to stay in the relationship doesn't mean they love you.
9. You must peel apart and deal with all the aspects of behavior that accompanied the addiction. Again, this is in line with abstinence is not recovery. Just because someone no longer watches porn doesn't mean they have stopped lying. Just because they no longer PMO doesn't mean they are not selfish.
10. Listen to the experiences of those that have been there/done that instead of believing your partner will be the magical unicorn with a miraculous recovery. Listening to people, especially those that ended up being betrayed again or finding out their spouse was lying about recovery were some of the most helpful. It was because I was able to look at my situation and look at my husband in more realistic terms. I was also able to help him in a 'scared straight' sort of way, by showing him that he was acting like a narcissistic addict. He got to make a big decision and that was to do the real work, the hard work, the intensive work, and do things he never thought he would have to - like severely limiting his interactions with his parents due to the shitty baggage carried from growing up with narcissistic parents. Being able to sit back and call things what they were extraordinarily helpful. Love bombing, image management, hyper bonding - those things can 'feel' like something they aren't when not examined through a realistic lens. The way must husband could become part of that "5% success rate" was to do things that WEREN'T typically done by recovering addicts. Listening to the real experiences of others also allows me to have appropriate expectations and protections (including legal protections for the benefit of my kids). Other partners who ended up getting betrayed again in the end didn't stay because they were weak minded. They stayed because their spouse showed all the 'signs' of recovery. Addictive personalities can be very, very persuasive and many even fool licensed psychologists and therapists. Again, look at actions, not words. Don't trust, verify. Call out the 'little things' early and often. Be a skeptic. Don't compromise on what you need for health, happiness, and wholeness. There are partners that stayed that didn't learn the entire, horrible truth (there was never a real recovery) for five, ten, and even twenty years. When you stay, get the best relationship. Have a life that will have been 'worth it' if you find out you are in the 95% category later on and not the 5% of unicorns.
11. If you have children, protect them from falling into the trap of generationally harmful behavior. My husband was vulnerable to addiction because he had a very dysfunctional upbringing that he honestly thought was normal. His family looks amazing on the outside. However, they are filled with lies, betrayal, abuse, etc. We have been married almost 14 years and I am still finding out things that happened that make my head spin. Bring EVERYTHING to light for your kids. When you see those dysfunctional behaviors trying to rise up in them, deal with them immediately. Deal with the gently, but firmly. One thing we have had to deal with recently with our kids is lying by omission. We deal with every single solitary issue that they picked up by living with a father that was a porn addict for five years of their formative years. I love my kids too much to let them walk one step down this road if I can help it. We practice openness and honesty and that life is much easier when you admit you faults and that it is better to deal with issues and fix then than to hide them and act out in secret.
I may add to this list as I think about things. But, that is what I have learned thus far in my journey.
1. Trust your gut. There are a few reasons why trusting your gut is advised. The most important is that it allows you to validate their own feelings, ideals, and experiences. Even if you are wrong about how you interpret your gut feeling (for example, I knew something was 'wrong', but I didn't know it was porn addiction, I thought it was something else), your inner voice should be acknowledged. That inner voice serves as your body's own 'personal protection system', a subconscious early warning system that something that is damaging to 'you' is near enough to sound an alarm. Respect that voice.
2. A love martyr is not an honorable role to pursue. Love at any costs, supporting someone else even at the cost of your own dignity, pride, and self-esteem, is not a sign that you know how to love bigger, better, or more deeply than others. Love without appropriate reciprocity is a set-up for an emotionally, psychologically, and otherwise abusive relationship. When you deny your own needs in an effort to love someone else, you run the risk of both individuals being torn down. Because loving someone strong while they are not required to have the same commitment to you breeds narcissism in those individuals.
3. Make yourself the first priority. As is said on airplanes, "in case of an emergency, secure your own mask first". I can say with pretty much 100% certainty, my husband and I would have been better on, much earlier on, had I focused on my own needs exclusively first. The back and forth of caring about how he was doing, then how I was doing, then back to him, created what felt like a psychological frenzy - it began to make me feel crazy.
4. The person who breaks it is the person who should be primarily responsible for fixing it. That 'it' goes from anything from the marriage relationship to kitchen windows. Only babies and toddlers need someone else to clean up their messes. My trying to 'fix' the marriage relationship when I wasn't the one who broke it infantilized my husband for way too many months. It allowed him to become selfish when that should have been the opposite of what he was doing. It wasn't until I threw up my hands and said, "Nope, life it easier as a divorced couple, I am done." that he began to step up and work with the concentrated effort required. It was also significantly more helpful to him, because he had to on his own address those issues that would hinder the relationship if not dealt with. It also helped him to stop feeling so out of control.
5. There is always an underlying issue accompanying addiction. If that underlying issue that left the person vulnerable to addiction is not addressed as part of recovery, there is no recovery. As pointed out in an article I linked here recently - abstinence is not recovery. The hard work is dealing with the underlying issue.
6. People treat you how you let them treat you.
7. Trust actions, not words. Judge people by their actions. Judge progress by the actions you see. Acknowledge when you see things that don't look like recovery.
8. Love and marriage/relationship are two different things. Being willing to leave an unhealthy relationship does not mean you don't love the other person. Someone being desperate to stay in the relationship doesn't mean they love you.
9. You must peel apart and deal with all the aspects of behavior that accompanied the addiction. Again, this is in line with abstinence is not recovery. Just because someone no longer watches porn doesn't mean they have stopped lying. Just because they no longer PMO doesn't mean they are not selfish.
10. Listen to the experiences of those that have been there/done that instead of believing your partner will be the magical unicorn with a miraculous recovery. Listening to people, especially those that ended up being betrayed again or finding out their spouse was lying about recovery were some of the most helpful. It was because I was able to look at my situation and look at my husband in more realistic terms. I was also able to help him in a 'scared straight' sort of way, by showing him that he was acting like a narcissistic addict. He got to make a big decision and that was to do the real work, the hard work, the intensive work, and do things he never thought he would have to - like severely limiting his interactions with his parents due to the shitty baggage carried from growing up with narcissistic parents. Being able to sit back and call things what they were extraordinarily helpful. Love bombing, image management, hyper bonding - those things can 'feel' like something they aren't when not examined through a realistic lens. The way must husband could become part of that "5% success rate" was to do things that WEREN'T typically done by recovering addicts. Listening to the real experiences of others also allows me to have appropriate expectations and protections (including legal protections for the benefit of my kids). Other partners who ended up getting betrayed again in the end didn't stay because they were weak minded. They stayed because their spouse showed all the 'signs' of recovery. Addictive personalities can be very, very persuasive and many even fool licensed psychologists and therapists. Again, look at actions, not words. Don't trust, verify. Call out the 'little things' early and often. Be a skeptic. Don't compromise on what you need for health, happiness, and wholeness. There are partners that stayed that didn't learn the entire, horrible truth (there was never a real recovery) for five, ten, and even twenty years. When you stay, get the best relationship. Have a life that will have been 'worth it' if you find out you are in the 95% category later on and not the 5% of unicorns.
11. If you have children, protect them from falling into the trap of generationally harmful behavior. My husband was vulnerable to addiction because he had a very dysfunctional upbringing that he honestly thought was normal. His family looks amazing on the outside. However, they are filled with lies, betrayal, abuse, etc. We have been married almost 14 years and I am still finding out things that happened that make my head spin. Bring EVERYTHING to light for your kids. When you see those dysfunctional behaviors trying to rise up in them, deal with them immediately. Deal with the gently, but firmly. One thing we have had to deal with recently with our kids is lying by omission. We deal with every single solitary issue that they picked up by living with a father that was a porn addict for five years of their formative years. I love my kids too much to let them walk one step down this road if I can help it. We practice openness and honesty and that life is much easier when you admit you faults and that it is better to deal with issues and fix then than to hide them and act out in secret.
I may add to this list as I think about things. But, that is what I have learned thus far in my journey.