Journals > Ages 20-29

First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.

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wecandoit:

--- Quote from: k-fff on December 05, 2019, 09:42:47 AM ---Glad to hear from you, the lack of sleep and being tired, god that is the worst. Working in shifts has gotta be rough. I am hoping that I will make it to two weeks this time. I guess I should be saying I really hope this is the last time. I think i need to prepare myself for some serious insomnia if i am gonna get through this because it is not realistic to be rested always. I guess it all depends on how we cope with it.

--- End quote ---

Night shift is the hardest because I come home and I don't have a continuous sleep, I wake up in the middle of it with a hard craving for porn. This is one of my difficulties right now in dealing with this addiction. It's not that easy as I can't command my brain to sleep for 8 hours straight just like that. But yes, things are not perfect. Sometimes we don't have control over certain moments. I'm trying to get to 2 weeks now, starting tomorrow cause today is fucked, I just binged. 

k-fff:
That shift work is definitely taking a toll on you. if you have the opportunity, getting a consistent schedule would help  a lot because it seems like you have other things under control. If I do relapse, I try not to binge now. I am trying Around the days that i will usually binge to be not allowed to use my computer or my phone internet.

k-fff:
Day 3

I woke up with a cold which is fine annoyed I can't work out though. Overall, this has been a pretty bad day. My ex-girlfriend told me I was incapable of loving someone for a long time and the reason why it hurt so much is because she didn't even intend it to hurt, like she was simply stating a fact. I have had no urges at all maybe little flashes of porn scenes that I banish quite quickly, but overall no real desire to go to pmo even though I feel like complete shit after that conversation with her. I had cheated on this girl but we got back together for a year and just last month we broke up over her plan to study in the U.K. I have had bad usage of p for 2 years, rarely going beyond 5 days. Today, I just read a lot of guys journals on here and I gotta say a lot of you should be very proud. You may not be fully out, but a lot of you're dealing with very serious  issues and doing everything you can to be free of them. Seeing how much progress some of you have made, made me question if I was ever serious about quitting p. I know it is bad for me and I know it is likely leading to this accelerated hair-loss, but seeing how some of you are dealing with PIED and you're managing to go months without pmo-ing is really impressive and shows me there is a lot more I could be doing. Boredom seems to be the primary problem because I don't really deal with the kind of anxiety or depression the guys on here deal with that might be because I used to be addicted to cutting. I used to cut a lot to cope and I have scars all over my body as result so I don't get anxious or depressed very often because I spent a long time dealing with those feelings and that sort of thing doesn't have that control over me, but it seems like generalized stress is a huge trigger for me and i need to find a way to handle that. I really should do scheduling to eliminate the boredom issue because that seems to be the primary trigger if guys who have serious pied and anxiety issues can find the discipline to schedule I should be doing that too. Tomorrow will be my fourth day. This is when it starts to get quite hard and I get sneaky urges that are like hey maybe you should type this in etc. search for this etc. Tomorrow I plan to do a some physical therapy for my leg, practice piano, practice my drawing also, and hopefully hang out with a friend. I want to be able to go back to kickboxing soon because my dream is to be professional in China with that and I know p is messing up that dream so much.

(Possible Triggers)

I had read another guy's post today about finding out why you specifically like porn. For me the thing that has come up consciously is some odd desire to see a bunch of attractive women naked and f***d etc. Where did this desire come from is it even really what leads me to using p. It is so odd when I think about it, but honestly I can't help but feel like it is one of the biggest reasons like underneath things my mind is like well if you give this up you won't be able to see an infinite amount of hot women that normally would actually take effort to have and of course this leads into a relapse. This is something i have noticed after edging for a very longtime. I have also developed disgusting fetishes gangbang and dp. My last binge moved me a little towards bdsm. I am a bit disturbed already by the fetishes I have developed. I don't want more. I think at the heart of my pmo is an insecurity like most that I would never be able to have these things normally, but A. that isnt exactly true that I am unable B. is far more important, what I am having through porn is real anyway. It isn't real being with those women is not me. I am not there, but my god, my mind sure feels like it. so what I am really saying when I desire porn is that I desire me watching through a computer or a phone of other people having sex. I want to keep doing that and when I frame it like that I can't figure out why i want to, maybe it is as simply as it being easy.

wecandoit:

--- Quote from: k-fff on December 05, 2019, 11:54:23 PM ---That shift work is definitely taking a toll on you. if you have the opportunity, getting a consistent schedule would help  a lot because it seems like you have other things under control. If I do relapse, I try not to binge now. I am trying Around the days that i will usually binge to be not allowed to use my computer or my phone internet.

--- End quote ---

Yes, the night shift can become a problem but if I survive without relapsing, then everything is good. I mean, of course I didn't relapse following every night shift but this period lately has been crazy. I've been more depressed and anxious. Mental strain is definitely a big trigger for me.

k-fff:
The Enchiridion by Epictetus helped me the most dealing with anxiety and depression. I really feel you on the sleep aspect and it seems like that is the main thing we have to choose to suffer so we can finally let go of this addictive coping habit.

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