Journals > Ages 20-29

First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.

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k-fff:
I am okay.  Just severely depressed, the type of situation that caused the relapses is just horrible and I just feel loads of guilt. I don't want to give myself excuses because I feel like when things are this bad it is the most important time not to relapse. I just really wish a lot of things didn't happen. My only focus is getting back on the horse right now because I know how bad my dopamine system is when every girl I have been with in the past two years says I am extremely cold. It is the truth I am cold because I don't feel it and I don't feel it because that part of my brain is messed up. I don't know how long it is gonna take to get that part of my emotions normal again. I am so numb because of the use.

escapeandnevercomeback:

--- Quote from: k-fff on February 08, 2021, 12:18:25 PM ---I am okay.  Just severely depressed, the type of situation that caused the relapses is just horrible and I just feel loads of guilt. I don't want to give myself excuses because I feel like when things are this bad it is the most important time not to relapse. I just really wish a lot of things didn't happen. My only focus is getting back on the horse right now because I know how bad my dopamine system is when every girl I have been with in the past two years says I am extremely cold. It is the truth I am cold because I don't feel it and I don't feel it because that part of my brain is messed up. I don't know how long it is gonna take to get that part of my emotions normal again. I am so numb because of the use.

--- End quote ---

Dopamine is involved in some things in our brain and we fuck it up with porn, of course we pay the price. I tried to remember the misery and the great times that dopamine abstinence gave me but none helped me not relapse. Now I'm trying to follow a simple rule: Avoid everything that gives me a porn induced dopamine release. But, obviously, this shit is hard. Denying myself this amazing dopamine from porn made me irritated, angry and depressed. What I'm doing to myself is masochistic in a way, if you ask me, but it's probably the only situation in my life when "hurting" myself for a while will give me my life back in the end.

k-fff:

--- Quote from: escapeandnevercomeback on February 08, 2021, 04:02:13 PM ---
--- Quote from: k-fff on February 08, 2021, 12:18:25 PM ---I am okay.  Just severely depressed, the type of situation that caused the relapses is just horrible and I just feel loads of guilt. I don't want to give myself excuses because I feel like when things are this bad it is the most important time not to relapse. I just really wish a lot of things didn't happen. My only focus is getting back on the horse right now because I know how bad my dopamine system is when every girl I have been with in the past two years says I am extremely cold. It is the truth I am cold because I don't feel it and I don't feel it because that part of my brain is messed up. I don't know how long it is gonna take to get that part of my emotions normal again. I am so numb because of the use.

--- End quote ---

Dopamine is involved in some things in our brain and we fuck it up with porn, of course we pay the price. I tried to remember the misery and the great times that dopamine abstinence gave me but none helped me not relapse. Now I'm trying to follow a simple rule: Avoid everything that gives me a porn induced dopamine release. But, obviously, this shit is hard. Denying myself this amazing dopamine from porn made me irritated, angry and depressed. What I'm doing to myself is masochistic in a way, if you ask me, but it's probably the only situation in my life when "hurting" myself for a while will give me my life back in the end.

--- End quote ---

I have to do the same thing. Largely speaking what I do to maintain a streak is just avoiding triggers because if I get triggers it usually ends up down the rabbit hole and I get lost.

k-fff:
relapse. broke one of my rules. I don't know why it got so bad again. sigh, i am just tired. tired of myself.

Phineas 808:
Don't quit, k-fff! You're stronger than this! You're better than this!

These habits are a mother to break, but it can and must be done.

Hope you find your footing...

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