My journey starts now

worth_it

Active Member
So this is the beginning of my journal. I'm 24 years old, on day 8 with no PMO and I thought that keeping my thoughts down in this forum would be a good idea. I also really need more people I can go through this with so I'm very grateful for this forum!

To give some background, I started watching P when I was 13. Started with pretty softcore stuff, just pictures for a while but within a year I was watching pretty hardcore videos. I feel like I sort of jumped over what is considered "normal" P because I wasn't comfortable with it. My average was around 1-2 times a day, sometimes a day or two off here and there. I went further down the hardcore path until I started having serious doubts about my sexuality and my gender identity as a result of the stuff I was watching. It was at that point when I realized that PMO was having a deeply negative psychological effect on me. I had always been a quiet and awkward kid so I wrote that part off as just my personality and in no way related to PMO, but as time went by I realized it was causing my view of life to be very negative and I became depressed in 12th grade (age 17).

I found faith for the first time near the end of that school year and that helped (and continues to help me) a lot. This was probably my first time trying no PMO consciously. However, it came back after a couple weeks and I went right back into typical habits. That was around age 18. From then until now, my time between each PMO has slowly but surely decreased down to once a week. I do feel like I have healed a lot and am a much more confident man. I've been constantly trying to stop this whole time, and was recently married a few months ago. I was under the impression that my P use would be a challenging talk with my wife but that would be the only negative aspect of dealing with my past. However, on my wedding night, while I was aroused I couldn't stay hard which was awful. I ended up needing to O in the bathroom by myself. It was still a very enjoyable experience but it scared me and I wrote it off as performance anxiety. However, it kept happening throughout my honeymoon. That was when I realized something else was going on, and I found out about PIED. Since then, I still haven't finished through sexual intercourse, only through her helping me O with her hand.

Because I was so stressed about PIED I went back to PMO and have continued to struggle with it since. I've talked about it with my wife some, and it hurts her (as you'd expect) but she's been more understanding as time has gone by. I have been improving, making it a 12-14 days multiple times, but I want to be free from it for good. The benefits in the bed with my wife, the newfound motivation and confidence to work harder and hopefully start my own business, and just being able to enjoy life more thoroughly all drive me to share this with you all. 8 days in, and I haven't looked at anything sexual or MO at all. I have fun with my wife and let her help me O, but still not staying hard for longer than a few minutes and sometimes use mental fantasy to get me there. Very excited to get started and to hear all of your stories!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 9

Today was pretty solid. Started lent which is basically a Christian tradition where you take something away for 40 days leading up to Easter. I decided to take away basically everything lol. Going with no Youtube (other than recovery help videos), no social media, essentially no internet entertainment which should definitely help in terms of less triggers. Also going without junk food, desserts, alcohol so this should be hard but interesting. First day without those things was very hard, as I typically watch videos while I work from home (I do email customer support). But other than a half hour stretch at one point, I experienced no trigger or temptation moments! That half hour stretch was challenging but because I couldn't scroll through social media or youtube it felt much easier to stay away from looking up anything bad.

Other than that, again it was pretty solid. I feel like it's gonna be very challenging to go without most forms of entertainment in my life, but optimistic that it could even jumpstart recovery since I'm sort of dopamine fasting. On a sidenote, one of my main issues as I said yesterday is PIED. Sadly, it seems like that is mostly around my wife, which I think is due to only really connected my sexuality to negative sources of release (PMO, checking women out while I'm in a relationship). It makes things super confusing because I know I'm sexually attracted to my wife as we used to make out when we were dating and I'd get erect before we even started, and I've always been aroused by her, but just no erection. So that's pretty rough.

Cool to think I'm coming up on 10 days, as I've only achieved double digits a few other times. Just gotta stay strong!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 10

Today has been pretty good. Better than yesterday for sure, since I had a moment of temptation to look up P yesterday and today, no temptations to look anything up! I did have a moment when I was exercising where I noticed a woman who isn't my wife and felt triggered (currently trying to "only have eyes for my wife" because I believe that's best for me and my faith) so that wasn't a fun moment, but it was during exercise so I couldn't dwell on it, so that helps. Other than that, felt alright today generally. I feel like I'm not doing horribly mentally and emotionally considering it's day 10, but kind of bracing for the moment that I feel like complete crap. Again, not using internet for entertainment/all the other things I listed is helping quite a lot because when I'm not using phone or computer, temptations are few and far between.

Day 11

Currently halfway through the day, but wanted to journal because I am currently feeling pretty triggered. Nothing specific happened, I just feel like my body is giving me a bunch of different cues that it is craving PMO and it sucks. It's a close friend's birthday and we'll be doing fun stuff tonight so trying to stay focused on that. It's so weird, yesterday felt really awesome but today feels like the first day of this entire reboot that I am actually feeling pretty tempted. I'm usually tempted way earlier in the reboot so I feel like I've kind of gotten off easy so far. Hopefully that doesn't mean I'm about to hit a huge wall or something. Mentally, I feel very unfocused, like I have nothing to do yet in reality I have plenty of things I can do. Emotionally honestly feel fine, nothing out of the ordinary, maybe a little below average.

I'll update on how the rest of the day goes but will be going on vacation with my wife for the next couple of days so I probably won't post till Sunday or Monday. I feel confident that I won't have any issues on this vacation because I'll be around my wife at all times, and we will probably do something sexual, so that should help, though I recently looked up the chaser effect and that makes so much more sense now because I have often falling to PMO within the next two days after O from sex. Learning a lot of new things! Anyhow gotta stay strong the rest of the day and make it to day 12!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 12


Pretty sweet day with sort of a rough ending. My wife and I went on vacation and got to be in nature which was really peaceful, very very good way of staying away from any temptations or triggers. We ended up going back to the hotel and like I thought, we fooled around. By the way I've never finished while having sex, just learned today during research on YBOP that I for sure struggle with DE. Anyhow, we had a really good time, I was able to help her finish, and she helped me finish with her hand. Here's the crappy part: I thought about P to get closer to finishing. I was hard and everything without fantasizing, but I felt stuck for a while. I decided to sort of bring up a part of one of the videos I watched in the past in my mind and imagined that, and then once I was closer to finishing I focused on my wife. But I feel like the damage was already done. In my research today on YBOP, I also saw that fantasizing is not helpful for rebooting which totally makes sense. But I'm bummed I went there in my mind. I think in the future I need to tell my wife not to help me finish if I'm tempted to fantasize about P.

Day 13

So, good news and bad news. Good news is my wife and I showered together and it was very sensual and nice. I got erect very quickly without trying at all, and my wife spontaneously started stimulating me. It felt great at first, but the bad news is water + stimulation is no good for a noodle that's still recovering from death grip. It started getting raw and a bit numb which made it super hard to finish so I went back to where I went the night before: fantasizing about P. Again, it was for a very short time, but thankfully I noticed I was doing it this time and just told my wife that she was doing a great job but that we should stop since I wasn't getting there. Other than that, rest of the day was good! Drove back home, spent time with wife's family (sadly felt more socially awkward than usual at moments, but somehow also more confident, I feel like the fantasizing didn't help but I'm still experiencing benefits at the same time). Can't believe I'm coming up on 2 weeks free. While those moments today and yesterday felt like steps backwards, I feel much more prepared to stay away from settings that might cause me to fantasize about P. I'll also say that those fantasies felt so much more blurry than any other time in the past so that was really encouraging. I'm coming up on my longest streak without peeking (made it a month 2 other times but peeked like crazy). I get erections more randomly and a lot of times it's just from being around my wife which is a good good feeling. Onto day 14!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 14

Well, I made it! 2 full weeks without any PMO or peeking or anything like that. I'm really, really happy I'm here. I feel like I'm noticing some social confidence so far. I played sports today with a new friend I made recently, and I felt really confident in myself (not wondering if he's having a good time too or whether I'm worthy of being his friend which I have definitely struggled with). Had a couple hours today where I felt the urge, it was never a really strong urge, but definitely was dealing with some flashbacks of video/audio of stuff I used to watch which pissed me off. But I had a moment that could have triggered me, my wife left to do an errand and I could have easily chosen to PMO but instead I did chores around the house that I wanted to do today, and felt so good! It felt awesome to do stuff I knew I needed to do without procrastinating or PMOing first like I have in the past. In terms of healing in my marriage, today I didn't feel too much sexually towards my wife but it's kind of on and off, still so much more frequently aroused than I used to be so I'm very happy with it. I can't emphasize this enough: YBOP is such an incredible resource for me and it helps me understand my addiction so much more, and what is needed to keep pushing through this reboot, as well as gives me hope with recovery stories!! Let's keep this going, day 15 here I come!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 15

Going with another early post today because I'm feeling a bit triggered and this always seems to help. Nearly through 15 days! I will say lately I've been feeling a lot more triggered than the first 10 days or so. Just more of a pull within me to find the loopholes on my devices to access P. Right now I'm triggered because my wife just left. Her leaving the house and me being alone is my #1 trigger since getting married, but the more I deal with it and say no every time, the more I feel able to say no in the future. Like tonight, when she was leaving I was thinking "oh I could definitely look something up tonight" (I know, pretty messed up). HOWEVER, I was able to let that urge pass and go onto the forum and read awesome recovery stories and now I'm writing this! Right after this, I'm going to head over to my friend's house where there will be no option of PMO so I'm excited for that.

But anyways, today was pretty good. I have moments where I can feel the healthy benefits starting to take effect and sometimes am more sad than anything else. Knowing what I know about addiction from research, it seems pretty logical for there to be some sadness. I mean I've been addicted to PMO for like 11 years. My body is definitely gonna put up a fight when I tell it no. All in all, would call today a pretty neutral day with one trigger moment. I'll update on my next if there's anything else that happened for the rest of today.

Halfway to 30!!! So excited I think I'm at my third highest streak now, and this one destroys all my others since there's been zero peeking! Oh also, seems like my voice could be getting a bit lower? Not for sure on that, but I will absolutely take that if so!
 

Robert7M

Member
Hello !

Congratulations for 15 days without P.

Go a head, be more prudent !

It's a good think that you have told it to your wife, I think whenever or wherever you'll feel that thought of matching P will come to you you can juste signal your wife and pray together. I'll think It can help you to succeed.

Salutation !

 

worth_it

Active Member
Hi Robert!

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words! Absolutely I totally agree, and I appreciate the advice, the more communication the better I will do and the better my wife and I will do in our marriage!

Have a good day!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 16

Today was a doozy. First off, no I did not relapse (praise God) but I had quite the moment of temptation where I broke down one of "walls" I guess I could say. So I was working (work from home) and my wife was gone. As I've explained before, that is absolutely my number 1 trigger. I have been getting better and better at doing well when she leaves, focusing on work, exercising, reading, playing my ukulele. But today, she left for basically the second half of the work day, which is when I struggle with motivation the most. So I was struggling with motivation and noticed a woman neighbor walk by out the window. That triggered me, as checking out women is not something I strive to do and is definitely associated with PMO for me. For the next hour I tried to do my job but really struggled with focus, and my neighbor was moving something so they kept walking by. I eventually closed my blinds lol whatever helps right? But I was still struggling, my computer was out, and I started doing one of my workarounds around my blocker. I didnt type anything in or look anything up, but I did start working around what keeps me away from stuff, so that honestly freaked me out. Right after that, I stopped and journaled about it/prayed. I feel a lot better now, was able to talk to my wife about it and she was really understanding! Challenging day all in all, but happy I didn't do anything wild that I'll regret. Onto day 17!
 

worth_it

Active Member
I do wanna add that I'm feeling a little nervous about tomorrow in terms of triggers. Tomorrow is gonna be a tiring day, I have a haircut and for whatever reason haircuts stress me out (probably socializing+change in appearance), then hanging with a friend 1 on 1, then a little party for my friends who are getting engaged. Lots of stuff and I know that sometimes days that are super packed with stuff can be days where I want relief from that stress instead of meeting it head-on. This has helped me, I now know I need to journal and pray about the long day tomorrow. Anyways, cheers!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 17

So I think I was tired or something last night because what I was referring to when I said I had a stressful day coming up was actually tomorrow. Not today. Today is a pretty typical work day with not much else planned.

Last night had a rough time with my wife. We?ve both been struggling just in general in the bedroom and I think it?s partially because of my issues, but she also has some stuff going on so it?s just been hard at times. When we can get out of our own minds, we do great, but last night was a night where things just didn?t go great, and ended in a little conflict which sucks.

Then today was pretty hard. I feel like I?m maybe entering a flatline or I'm just melancholy because my motivation is way lower the last few days and today was no different. I tried working hard, but just felt like doing anything but my job. I don?t feel extremely awful like some have experienced, but just feel pretty blah. With lent, not being able to use internet entertainment or play video games makes it harder because I can?t make myself feel better through that. I think I just need to continue to read, play ukulele, exercise, enjoy time with my wife and friends. I had a moment today where I was pretty tempted when my wife left for a little while for work, but when I was tempted I stopped working for a few to play some ukulele and sort of meditated while I did that and prayed, and felt so much better after! That good feeling went away soon after but my wife was home by that point so that helped a lot.

All in all, today hasn?t been great. I have done well not to do anything like yesterday and didn?t get close to looking anything up, but P flashbacks hit me hard at random moments and it bothers me a lot. I look forward to the day that I start feeling motivated again, because it felt really good for like a week or so. But I know if this is the flatline, I just need to keep pushing through and enjoy the little things and trust in God with it! Onto day 18! Almost 3 weeks!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 18

Currently pretty dang triggered. My wife has left to go help a friend setup for a party thing they're putting on later. It's always that moment when she leaves that I am the most triggered. I went on my phone and basically unblocked my filter for a second then my heart started beating really hard and I started feeling sick, probably my body reacting to the possibility of feeding its craving. I quickly turned the blocker back on and hid my phone in the other room. Being home alone is unsurprisingly super triggering, and I hate that I went to step 1 again. I feel like that isn't going to help my brain recover when I'm doing anything that's close to enabling myself to watch P. I gotta stop doing stuff like that.

Also I've been home alone a lot today. I turned down an opportunity to hang with one of my friends today thinking I'd be busy, then I wasn't at all, but was lazy and didn't feel like asking him to hang out. However, I don't have much to do because I am still doing lent, and basically no entertainment is an option, so I got a lot of stuff done, which is nice and awesome growth, but I was still feeling tempted. Then my wife came home for a few, and I was doing fine, but then she left and you know what happened. So I'm sad I played that game even if it was for like 5 seconds, it's still entertaining the thought and I want to shut that down entirely so my brain reboots quicker. If I had a chance to redo today, I would have hung out with my friend, and I think that would have made this time less of a trigger since I wouldn't have been home so much (where all of my relapses have happened). Also, been reading up on withdrawals and what's been happening to me makes a lot more sense now, because I've been getting random headaches, weird twitches in my body, and stomach hurting more after eating (not sure if that's related but could be). Still feel pretty not in the mood for sex with my wife which sucks, I really just want to be there and be turned on for sex. However, I'm not and it might be a few months or longer until I'm there, and that's a reality I'm having a hard time accepting.

Alright, those are my negatives for the day. In terms of positives, like I said earlier I got a lot of stuff done around the house which is really nice and I had a lot of motivation for it! Yesterday I went on a run which was super cool and I'm trying to get back into doing that, I ran on and off for like half of the year last year, 2ish times a week and it was really good for me. I should be good for the rest of the night in terms of triggers. My wife is gone but I've rode it out and had that scary moment but it's passed. Gonna make some food and she'll be home soon! Day 19 is tomorrow and I am so excited!!
 

Robert7M

Member
Make more attention about your declenchers when you are alone and else.

It's a good thing that your heart beat when you feel amorced. Paid attention about that signal, it will signal you that you are not far to somethnig bad.

But be more engaged !

Salutations !
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 19

Pretty good day! First day in a while where I didn't have pretty strong urges most of the day so that's very encouraging. Had a moment where I struggled with checking out a friend for longer than I wanted to in the middle of a hike so that was sad, but man it feels so much easier to stop starting these days. I read a post about the compulsion to check someone out, and seeing a lot of the thoughts that pop up on that post, I already feel like I'm growing a lot from where I used to be. My point being: yeah I'm sad I checked out my friend but I didn't feel like I needed to keep looking or anything like that and have really been growing so that's a positive! Otherwise, for the day, kept myself busy, didn't have any time to feel like I needed to give into any urge or to feel any urge. Woohoo!

Day 20

So on sunday's I do a sabbath if you've heard of that. I basically devote the day to resting and being with God in my faith. It was really awesome, helped me a lot and I spent some time processing about how cool it is to be 20 days into freedom from PMO! Had good times with my wife in the morning sexually, maintained an erection for like a half hour which is really awesome! I'd be more excited about that if it were another time in the day but in the mornings I can usually maintain an erection for some reason. But still, it seemed stronger than in the past so that's great. Again, really not much time in the day to be tempted or anything. It seems like weekends are gonna be pretty simple. I think work is just a challenge for me, not loving what I'm doing right now (email support) and it doesn't put me in a great place mentally. Tomorrow might be hard specifically because I have a half day and my wife will be gone for most of the day. Scheduled plans with friends after work but there will be times in the day where I could choose to make some bad decisions but just gonna take one moment at a time! Onto day 21, which will be 3 weeks free from PMO, holy cow!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Robert7M said:
Make more attention about your declenchers when you are alone and else.

It's a good thing that your heart beat when you feel amorced. Paid attention about that signal, it will signal you that you are not far to somethnig bad.

But be more engaged !

Salutations !

Thank you very much Robert! Trying to remain alert and engaged in moments that could be triggers!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 21

Holy cow! 3 full weeks of life free from PMO. It's been a blessing to say the very least. I did great in the first half of the day, barely thinking about urges at all. I was blown away by how little I thought about it, which actually made me think about it more, and I ended up having a fair amount more of urges. It didn't help that I was in public at a park with my friend either. Fortunately, I ended up going home and not having too many issues there. I feel like the desire to actually act on my urges is so much weaker than it used to be. I still feel like my body misses PMO which is annoying, like I know that it is awful and has destroyed so many good things in my life, but I feel like it's just going to be a desire for a while. I think that's the nature of the reboot though. Regardless, 21 days is something to be so proud of, and still haven't looked anything up and don't intend on it ever again!

Day 22

Life without PMO just feels more and more normal these days. Like I said before, the urges remain but I'm getting into the practice of saying no to them which is awesome. Also been getting more erections around my wife lately, which makes me so happy. I know I may be a ways away from no symptoms of PIED and DE which I definitely still struggle with, but I get those moments once in a while where I can feel my sexual desire trying to jump start. Side note, been so motivated lately. Had like a week where motivation felt like less than 0, but then went right back to having so much more motivation than usual. This is by far my favorite part of rebooting. I feel like there's this part of me that is finally coming out, a part that has an insatiable drive to get things done and enjoy the fun of achieving big and small tasks! Motivation to do tasks has been one of my biggest weaknesses for my entire life so you can imagine why I'm so excited. Currently it's night time, which is the time of day when I always feel the least optimistic about overcoming PMO. I think it's probably just the feel good brain chemicals being depleted for the day and being tired makes it harder to fight off bad thoughts and bad decisions, so it's a harder time for temptation even if there's no chance of me acting on it since my wife is right by me. But hey, if that's the way it's going to be, I'd rather have those sort of thoughts when I'm with my wife rather than if I was alone because I feel like that'd make it so much harder to overcome PMO when home alone during the day. Coming up on day 23, which will be one week away from 30, which is such a milestone for many men on this website. It is also a huge milestone for me. When I make it to day 30, it'll be around tying the longest I've ever been without MO, and definitely the longest without P. I look forward to that day very much. After that, day 60, day 90, and day 120!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 23

Hey all, made it 23 full days without PMO! Today was a hard one, dealt with a lot of temptation since my wife was gone most of the day, not to mention she said she wanted to fool around tonight so sex was much more on my mind. I've noticed that's something that usually leads to temptation, when we're planning on having fun and doing sexual things later that day, so that's a mental note for the future. But the day was pretty good, struggled mightily with motivation today during work but was also fasting as a part of lent so I think that is usually a side effect. However, what really sucked was the last hour of work, because I felt so weak due to fasting that my will power started declining a lot, and found myself catching second looks at women as they walked by through my window. Additionally, was on my email and started looking at the junk folder and seeing if there were any ads for dating knowing there could be good looking women in them. I didn't click on any of them, but I don't want to strive for that. Was bummed about that but refocused and was able to overcome some more temptations to lust after women so that's nice!

As for the rest of the day, not much other than sexual things with my wife. It overall went pretty well. First off, noticed that erections are coming easier for me so that's a plus. Still not normal so I'd still say my PIED is very much a thing, but improvements are happening and I definitely think my brain is healing. Sensitivity in my penis still pretty low. Don't foresee myself getting out of that for a while, but things can change and I hope they do. I will say that we did some karezza type activities and it kept me hard for a lot longer than usual and it made me feel more sensitive. I think my erections tonight were some of the hardest I've had in my entire marriage, so hooray! I don't know when full recovery will be, and that's okay. I know that accepting that will be really healthy for me and for my pursuit of healing from PMO. Just need to keep going a day at a time and letting the healing and rewiring come when it comes instead of worrying over it and trying to force it. Day 24 is tomorrow, and I'm ready to do great by the grace of God.
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 24

Today was pretty good! Felt extra tempted in the morning, unsurprisingly as I look back because two things happened. 1. My wife left for work for a couple hours, so anyone following this journal would know that's a gigantic trigger for me. 2. My phone was out with me. I usually keep my phone in the other room till later in the day for productivity and for temptation reasons, but I had to answer an important text so I brought it out into my work space with me. Bad decision because I again ended up unblocking internet access. This time I opened a search bar but didn't enter anything into it. This was my first pretty bad moment in a while, where I got closer than the past to looking stuff up. I think it could be caused by doing sexual things last night, as a sort of chaser effect even though I didn't O or anything, since my mind was still on sexual stuff more than usual. Other than that though, I did well for the rest of the day. It was weird, this time I didn't have any super strong physical reaction, no strong heart beating or erection or shakiness. It felt different, like I could have given in really easy without feeling much. I kind of wonder why I didn't feel like my body was anticipating it, since just a week or so ago, I had that moment where I almost did stuff and my body freaked out and heart beated really hard and was shaky. Who knows, maybe it's just more recovery signs!

Regardless, rest of the day was solid. At work was pretty unmotivated, which usually goes hand in hand with whether I'm tempted but I was honestly doing well for the rest of the day temptation-wise. I was busy enough where I didn't think too much about it, but I have felt pretty stuck lately mentally. I feel like I just think about the videos I'd watch in the past and they aren't fading as much as they were earlier. When I think about them I don't get super turned on, but I just don't want them running through my mind. They make life harder, constantly thinking about this thing that could give me momentary comfort and entering into fantasy. I just want to be done with those flashbacks, I find that they're the biggest trigger right now and if I wasn't imagining them and hearing and seeing them in my mind, I'd be doing so much better. But that's part of recovery and I'm welcome to continue to shoot them down and live in reality. Where the sky is blue, and the grass is green and the flowers blooming smells amazing, and the joy of friendship with others is so amazing. That's so much better than fantasy with pixels on a screen, forcing me into isolation and darkness, hiding it from everyone I know. Day 25 is tomorrow, very soon it will be a month of freedom, just need to keep fighting.
 
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