New Journal

Day 0

Hello all, Gonna make this quick as I have to get back to work.  Was on your brainrebalanced forum and posted occasionally but mostly just read.  The have server errors at the moment so moving here for now. 

Been suffering from pied and low libido(I think mostly caused by P) off and on for many years.  At this point I am in a cycle of relapsing every 2-4 weeks now, which is alot better then some of my past but seems to keep me in a perpetual flatline.  Atleast I have gotten away from the all day deathgrip edging sessions that do the worst physical and mental damage.  SO what works for me has always been hardmode.  As soon as I start MOing or peeking it leads to PMO. 

I had somewhat successful sex almost a week ago, but with the server down at yourbrainrebalanced and being alone, I slipped up today and I still get way more hard to porn as I noticed this morning. 

I believe myself to be 95% cured as well as just about able to completely quit looking at porn, I just can't seem to gather that last bit of strength needed. 

Its so frustrating but we can never give up this battle.  Planning is key, it seems I am going to have to start more energy and time into planning and prevention.

Well, it's been about two weeks and had a half ways relapse.  Nothing to bad but peaked.  I could definitely feel the dopamine release.  I had quit working out about 3-4 months ago to concentrate on some other stuff but now I'm thinking I'll start back on that again.  Its double down time again.  Also going to start dating again.  I had a bad experience about 5 months ago and have really had a hard time opening up again.  I was waiting until the time felt right but I think I'm going to have to push a little harder, get over the fear of getting hurt, try to relax and just have fun.  I have been in that state of mind many times before but I just can't seem to reach it again.  Im not sure if its because I'm not working out anymore, therefore less Testosterone, maybe because I have a mini relapse, if you can call it that once a month.  Im not sure if that would really affect me like that.  Im trying so hard in other aspects of my life like learning salsa which i have become somewhat proficient at now and also starting a business which is struggling but Im learning alot and continue learning a new language which im also quite proficient at now.  Its just a really hard time right now. 

Looks like Ill have to bite the bullet and start the gym again.  I have probably lost 15lbs of muscle and a ton of strength in the last 4-5 mths so its going to be different but I have to look at it as an investment for the future.  I felt before I was identified by women as well as myself for my physical attributes but maybe its not such a bad thing.  Also I felt a much bigger "charge"...probably the pump after the gym.  I actually love it and will come at it a different way this time.  Try not to attach my identity with it and make it a part of my lifestyle rather than my whole lifestyle.

No choice but to continue on now.  Best wishes for everyone on this board.

Time to define what constitutes restricted material:

pornographic images but also non "pornographic images" such as girls in bikinis, as well as fantasy etc etc.

I have reduced by viewing of all these things immensely so I should be happy about that but there is stil work to do. I would love to be able to go hardmode but am having trouble with edging to memories of girls I have been with in the past and edge up to almost orgasm before stopping... it is a subconscious activity that I only recognize when it is almost at the point of orgasm... anybody else have this problem?