Well, I am sitting here alone, with the open web before me, which is loaded with free pornography websites, especially the ones I am into, female foot fetish pornography, and I ask myself, do I open one and indulge, enjoy the excitement looking up videos until I find one that I know will really get me off and then slowly MB knowing that I dont want to do it to quickly because I know that when its all said and done and the orgasm is over I will be left with nothing but a sticky mess to clean up and deep cutting feelings of shame and regret for the rest of my night, followed by anxiety and depression in the morning, OR do I log on to rebootnation.org and begin the long journey ahead of me, start a journal and share about myself and my long long loooooong time addiction?
Tonight I will choose the latter and start by expressing my gratitude that I have for this website tonight to be able to log on and get help. Because I could so easily do whats wrong instead.
My name is Jake and I'm an addict. A porn addict. Or as you know it a PMO addict.
Well where to start...
I have been addicted to PMO for my entire life. I started MBing around the age of 5 or 6. I am 30 years old, which means I have been doing this for 24 years easily and for most of my life I have been doing it daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I have a desire to stop, but really need some tools to help me do so. Tonight I have made the right decision to start my journal but as I am sure a lot of you know this addiction is cunning, baffling, and tricky. For example, I can't promise you that by the time I am done typing this first journal entry out that I won't bring up a site and PMO. That to me shows me how sick this disease is. One day at a time is an understatement. One minute at a time is more like it.
I would like to take a minute and write about triggers because I think that triggers have a lot to do with relapse. Tonight being alone by a computer is a trigger. Being alone anywhere is a trigger. Knowing that I can get away with it one more time without anybody knowing is a trigger. But they might not know that I am a PMO addict, but they do know something is wrong with me. Because I have mental health symptoms and problems and everytime I decide to PMO they get worse. So being that it does affect me mentally and emotionally in my day to day life is enough for me to have a desire to stop. But I don't believe a desire is enough. So I am really here to learn all that this site can tell me or anybody here that is willing to help me learn to live a new way of life, or reboot as you say.
My mind surely needs rebooted. I do take mental health medicine because I experience intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and paranoia, also some depression. I usually feel these things all the time and am prepared to live with it the rest of my life if I have to, but as I said after I PMO the symptoms become a lot stronger and almost unbearable. Sorry I got off the subject a bit, I wanted to look at some of my triggers. Being alone. Also my mental health in general. If I have a bad day mentally I sometimes either feel like I have earned the right to PMO or just want that relief that comes with orgasm. That is chemical. So I am aware that something chemical is happening in my brain because of this addiction and I do have hopes that like any addiction with time this will get better. Another trigger for me is just being horney in general. If I see a lot of good looking women throughout the day I sometimes want to come back and PMO because my hormons are high. Then there is the whole foot fetish thing. Sometimes I feel like I will never find a woman who likes that sort of thing and I am subjected to treat myself with what the internet world has to offer concerning female foot fetish, which believe me is a lot!
Alright so yea I started around the age of 5. That is young. I have turned to PMOing to solve all my problems in life. It was and is my way to escape reality, which reality for me is bad mental health and a hard world to live in. I am a virgin as far as real sex goes with a woman. I have ALWAYS used PMO. I'm thinking about doing it right now. Pressing send on this thing and going and doing it. Oh and another thing about this is it consumes like hours of my time. I will spend 30-60 minutes just surfing and watching before I actually start touching myself. Then after I do find a video I like and get off I will surf and build up and do it again. Hours can just pass me by like nothing. But anyways, I think I talked about it enough for tonight. I am going to log off here and walk away and get on my knees and pray. I am open to any comments, sorry I only talked up to this point. I need to go pray and go to bed, it is 1:30 in the morning and it is not good for me to be on this computer right now because I dont trust myself. Thank you and God bless.