Andrew1973
Active Member
Hello everyone,
I read a message on LinkedIn this weekend which basically pointed to the fact that if you come out of the Covid crisis the same as you went into it, then that represents a significant lost opportunity. An opportunity to learn (maybe a new skill), to grow, to get perspective on what's important etc. For my part, I have decided that for me, the primary opportunity is for me to finally tackle, and overcome my 30+ year addiction to pornography, and that is why I am here.
I've been to this site before (but not really participated), am familiar with Gary's work - read his book, watched TED etc. I also am a regular listener to the Porn Free radio podcast. I get all the theory. I meditate. But I relapse. Often. My theory is that the one ingredient that I miss out on, and that I believe has come between me and more success in managing my behaviour, is the contact with others - the openness, honesty, mutual accountability and support. I'm too proud presently to attend SA meetings, although have actively considered it. I guess in any case, that's not an option at the moment anyway due to movement restrictions! So I have committed to myself that I will share myself here to you, and in turn I will do my best to support you where and when I can. So hello!
I am 47, live in the UK, have a happy marriage and family life. I have also been using porn since my teenage years. I wouldn't describe myself as a high frequency user - probably on average once a week, but those occasions are usually binges. Multi hour - most of the day sometimes. I have lost countless nights sleep still 'wired', mornings with foggy head, spent days feeling guilty, and had so many 'new dawns' that I have truly lost count. My longest 'streak' is around 60 days or so. Today I am on day 2.
I have been open with my wife to a point. She is very understanding and helps me with practical support at my request regarding wifi filters, passwords on app store etc.
However, there is one key aspect that I have keep from her - out of shame and fear. This is that my stimulation of choice for the past years has been less visual porn, and more chat apps. I stumbled across this at first, but found the social interaction aspect with a real human being to be a big draw for me personally. I don't know any of these people, certainly would never want to meet them, but end up involved in explicit exchanges and role plays which if re-read in the cold light of day are disgusting and completely contrary to my values. This is the source of my guilt, and often fear (that one day those transcripts will reappear in some big hack!) and ruin me, and everything that I have. In many respects I am leading a duplicitous life which causes me and others pain. I want to stop it. For good. Not just to allay the fear, but to live to my potential. To do good, not harm. To be them same outside an inside. To be authentic, faithful and honest.
My plan is to check in minimum weekly, to be honest about my progress, and to hopefully receive some support, and in turn offer some to you. I'd love to find an accountability partner at some point (preferably in UK for time zone reasons), but am happy to see how things unfold and hopefully find a connection or two through journaling in the first instance.
So that's me. Please do say hi, particularly if any of the above resonates with you. Stay safe, and stay porn free!
Best wishes
UKGuy
I read a message on LinkedIn this weekend which basically pointed to the fact that if you come out of the Covid crisis the same as you went into it, then that represents a significant lost opportunity. An opportunity to learn (maybe a new skill), to grow, to get perspective on what's important etc. For my part, I have decided that for me, the primary opportunity is for me to finally tackle, and overcome my 30+ year addiction to pornography, and that is why I am here.
I've been to this site before (but not really participated), am familiar with Gary's work - read his book, watched TED etc. I also am a regular listener to the Porn Free radio podcast. I get all the theory. I meditate. But I relapse. Often. My theory is that the one ingredient that I miss out on, and that I believe has come between me and more success in managing my behaviour, is the contact with others - the openness, honesty, mutual accountability and support. I'm too proud presently to attend SA meetings, although have actively considered it. I guess in any case, that's not an option at the moment anyway due to movement restrictions! So I have committed to myself that I will share myself here to you, and in turn I will do my best to support you where and when I can. So hello!
I am 47, live in the UK, have a happy marriage and family life. I have also been using porn since my teenage years. I wouldn't describe myself as a high frequency user - probably on average once a week, but those occasions are usually binges. Multi hour - most of the day sometimes. I have lost countless nights sleep still 'wired', mornings with foggy head, spent days feeling guilty, and had so many 'new dawns' that I have truly lost count. My longest 'streak' is around 60 days or so. Today I am on day 2.
I have been open with my wife to a point. She is very understanding and helps me with practical support at my request regarding wifi filters, passwords on app store etc.
However, there is one key aspect that I have keep from her - out of shame and fear. This is that my stimulation of choice for the past years has been less visual porn, and more chat apps. I stumbled across this at first, but found the social interaction aspect with a real human being to be a big draw for me personally. I don't know any of these people, certainly would never want to meet them, but end up involved in explicit exchanges and role plays which if re-read in the cold light of day are disgusting and completely contrary to my values. This is the source of my guilt, and often fear (that one day those transcripts will reappear in some big hack!) and ruin me, and everything that I have. In many respects I am leading a duplicitous life which causes me and others pain. I want to stop it. For good. Not just to allay the fear, but to live to my potential. To do good, not harm. To be them same outside an inside. To be authentic, faithful and honest.
My plan is to check in minimum weekly, to be honest about my progress, and to hopefully receive some support, and in turn offer some to you. I'd love to find an accountability partner at some point (preferably in UK for time zone reasons), but am happy to see how things unfold and hopefully find a connection or two through journaling in the first instance.
So that's me. Please do say hi, particularly if any of the above resonates with you. Stay safe, and stay porn free!
Best wishes
UKGuy