berrylewis29
Member
Introduction: I'm a 40 year old husband and father who has struggled with porn addiction most of my life. I was sexually abused by an older male cousin on several occasions before the age of 13 and first exposed to pornography at the age of 10. Because of the abuse, I was curious about sexuality at a young age, and it brought unbearable shame. I indulged in the use of porn throughout high school, and continued to struggle with its use in college where I discovered the internet.
I'm a Christian minister with a sincere faith in Jesus as my gracious Savior who sympathizes with my weakness (Hebrews 4:15) and who saves me by HIS righteousness and not my own. THIS is what has sustained me over the years! Honestly, I didn't even begin trying to quit porn until about 10 years ago. Until then, I had made myself believe that it was simply "my cross to bear" or that it wasn't that bad, and I wasn't harming anyone.
Through conversations with good friends and counselors, I began to realize that my struggle with depression and insecurity were directly connected to my porn use. Williams Struthers' book Wired for Intimacy changed my life. I began to understand what porn was doing to my brain and that this struggle was as much chemical as it was spiritual. When I felt it was only a spiritual battle, it seemed inevitable that I would fail without divine intervention. However, understanding the chemical dependency that I was experiencing made me feel for the first time that I could beat this. This was only 1 year ago, and so my battle to stop completely really only began in January 2019.
Since then, I've had stretches of success. On my first attempt, I lasted 56 days. I was amazed that with a little effort, I could go without for so long. I've had other stretches of abstinence that have lasted as long as a month, and I've begun to realize what triggers are causing me to give in.
I'm on this forum to help keep myself accountable. I know the journaling will be helpful and hearing others define their struggles and successes will be an encouragement in knowing I'm not alone. All are welcome to interact with my journal.
Triggers:
Over the past year I've learned what causes me to give in. Currently, I'm in one of the most stressful times of my life. Of course, the Covid19 pandemic has affected us all. Professionally, it has created lots of instability. Like many, I'm unsure of what the next few months look like. We are seeing a change in leadership in our ministry that will greatly affect me, and I'm unsure if I'm up for the challenge. My wife and I have also had several personal issues in our family that create anxiety. While my faith in Jesus is strong ("So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. -2 Corinthians 4:16), I've learned that these stresses are triggers and that my brain has been trained since I was 10 years old to seek pornography in order to cope.
Though I've just experienced a short stint without using pornography, I failed today. I'm hoping for a 90 day reboot. Of course, I long for freedom beyond 90 days. Tomorrow will be day 1.
I'm a Christian minister with a sincere faith in Jesus as my gracious Savior who sympathizes with my weakness (Hebrews 4:15) and who saves me by HIS righteousness and not my own. THIS is what has sustained me over the years! Honestly, I didn't even begin trying to quit porn until about 10 years ago. Until then, I had made myself believe that it was simply "my cross to bear" or that it wasn't that bad, and I wasn't harming anyone.
Through conversations with good friends and counselors, I began to realize that my struggle with depression and insecurity were directly connected to my porn use. Williams Struthers' book Wired for Intimacy changed my life. I began to understand what porn was doing to my brain and that this struggle was as much chemical as it was spiritual. When I felt it was only a spiritual battle, it seemed inevitable that I would fail without divine intervention. However, understanding the chemical dependency that I was experiencing made me feel for the first time that I could beat this. This was only 1 year ago, and so my battle to stop completely really only began in January 2019.
Since then, I've had stretches of success. On my first attempt, I lasted 56 days. I was amazed that with a little effort, I could go without for so long. I've had other stretches of abstinence that have lasted as long as a month, and I've begun to realize what triggers are causing me to give in.
I'm on this forum to help keep myself accountable. I know the journaling will be helpful and hearing others define their struggles and successes will be an encouragement in knowing I'm not alone. All are welcome to interact with my journal.
Triggers:
Over the past year I've learned what causes me to give in. Currently, I'm in one of the most stressful times of my life. Of course, the Covid19 pandemic has affected us all. Professionally, it has created lots of instability. Like many, I'm unsure of what the next few months look like. We are seeing a change in leadership in our ministry that will greatly affect me, and I'm unsure if I'm up for the challenge. My wife and I have also had several personal issues in our family that create anxiety. While my faith in Jesus is strong ("So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. -2 Corinthians 4:16), I've learned that these stresses are triggers and that my brain has been trained since I was 10 years old to seek pornography in order to cope.
Though I've just experienced a short stint without using pornography, I failed today. I'm hoping for a 90 day reboot. Of course, I long for freedom beyond 90 days. Tomorrow will be day 1.