Peters Journal

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peter1717

Member
After many years of being free of porn I'm back at it.
Fortunately, not like before.  Not so frequent and just short glimpses.
I want to stop it now before it escalates any further.
I got bored and anxious so now I've fallen into a cycle.
I know my cue's and will be working to eliminate them.

I'm hoping my journal will help as I need to crack the first 30 days.
Then the next 30/60/90/180/365 will be easier and easier.

I always forget to journal, so I hope that this will help.
It really is about putting the work in. 
We always seem to take the old route and forget to journal and do the things we need to do to quit.

Day 1
 
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Joel

Active Member
peter1717 said:
I always forget to journal, so I hope that this will help.
It really is about putting the work in. 
We always seem to take the old route and forget to journal and do the things we need to do to quit.
Click to expand...

Welcome to the forum, Peter! Yep, the above is always a warning sign to me too. Best wishes for you hitting that first milestone.
 
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J01

Guest
Great decision to stop the intermittent use before it flares out of control.  Looking forward to hearing from you.  Hope you are able to improve on the aspect that was causing you anxiety!
 
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peter1717

Member
Day 2

Thank you for the responses.  The first 1 or 2 weeks is quite easy.
Then you let your guard down and you sneak a peak or two.

I'm also convinced that what I think about adds to the relapse.

Boredom and anxiety have been the main culprits.
Of course the OCD doesnt help.  Always on the mobile checking checking checking checking

Therefore, a few things have changed already.
No mobile surfing after a certain time and then I listened to an amazing podcast where the guy is 10 years free.

He had some excellent suggestions and I'm put a few into place!!!!!!
 
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peter1717

Member
Day 3
Ok for now.  Passed Friday night which is good.
Tends to be one of those days that we want to reward ourselves
Doing good for now.  Forgot to go to bed with my wife.
I keep forgetting.  I need more meditation
 
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peter1717

Member
Day 4
Could not go to bed when the wife went because it was so early!
I was tempted to just surf.  Came here and wrote in journal.
A few minutes later, feeling went away.

Lesson:  Dont act out.  Wait a few minutes but distract yourself.
Then before you know it, you thinking about something else and you fine
 
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Joel

Active Member
Sounds like some good rules in place, and some good lessons learned. Could you go to bed at that super early time and read with a headlight? Just a thought. Have a great day.
 
LetItGoAlready

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Day 4
Could not go to bed when the wife went because it was so early!
I was tempted to just surf.  Came here and wrote in journal.
A few minutes later, feeling went away.

Lesson:  Dont act out.  Wait a few minutes but distract yourself.
Then before you know it, you thinking about something else and you fine
Click to expand...

Welcome, Peter. You clearly recognize that certain behaviors are not serving you well and I commend you for taking positive actions to address them.

With regard to your and your wife's different sleep schedules, you might want to consider whether your choice to stay up late is really motivated by her too early bedtime or your desire to keep old habits alive. It's a classic fox guarding the henhouse situation that many of us on this board have faced, where we know we are the ones who control our time and how we spend it, yet we continue to put ourselves in situations (e.g., being alone on a PC/tablet/phone late at night) that have historically worked against us. There's no judgment from me, by the way. I had exactly the same thoughts about my wife's bedtime habits, but I eventually decided that I didn't have a good reason to stay up later than she did and started going to bed at the same time.

Keep plugging away, my friend. You're doing great!
 
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peter1717

Member
Yeah, true what you say about perhaps somewhere the bad wolf is waiting for her to go to bed.
I'll have to be extremely careful about edging and moving that way and that type of thinking.

Thanks for the reminder
 
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peter1717

Member
Day 6
Good for now.  Trying to create new routines and habits.

Read such a good blog on not breaking the chain.
If you meditate daily, keep the routine and dont break the chain.
New habits are formed by not breaking the chain!!

These habits need to replace the old ones.  Feeling positive.
I also read that the reason you feel good is because you have not watched porn.
Bear that in mind when tempted.  Feeling good because you not acting out.
Watch porn then you will feel rotten again
 
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peter1717

Member
Day 7
Edged last night.  Although I stopped easily.
One thing that helped was thinking what would I write here today.
And its getting a little easier due to trying to build new good habits.
Keep training the brain.
I do wonder how come that feeling or sensation to search for porn just appears from nowhere?!
 
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peter1717

Member
Almost caved last night.
Minding my own business and wham, that feeling to sneak a peak came over me.
Managed to not fall and even went to bed with the wife.
Need to work hard tonight cause its Friday night and then you let your guard down
 
LetItGoAlready

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
I do wonder how come that feeling or sensation to search for porn just appears from nowhere?!
Click to expand...

Need to work hard tonight cause its Friday night and then you let your guard down
Click to expand...

Yep, those feelings can pull a sneak attack when we least expect them to. Good call on keeping your guard up tonight. That was always a pattern for me as well...end of the week, time for a treat! Keep watch for those feelings of entitlement that tell you "Just one more time. You need to let some steam off." And keep coming back here to stay accountable. Wishing you strength and perseverance to get you through the weekend, friend.
 
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peter1717

Member
Relapsed last night.
Watch a very R rated movie online for about 10 minutes.

Still a relapse and only myself to blame.
Did not go to bed when the wife went to bed.
Darn it, but cant give up now.

Got to try a lot harder.

Day 1
 
MosesY

MosesY

Active Member
I think it is good to try to quit; it improves a lot of your relationships if you quit. THe book "Your Brain on Porn" did me a lot of good; I read it on my Kindle Fire, it was like 6 bucks or whatever. It changed my life; for the first time I truly understood what porn was doing to my brain.
 
J

J01

Guest
How has it been going lately? Stay with it, and stay in touch.  Take care!
 
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