Finally ready to quit this

trumpetman70

New Member
I am 49 and have been masturbating since I was 12.  It started with my father?s playboys which I found one fateful day.  Whenever I got grounded I would get out my stash I had ?borrowed? from his stash and masturbate.  It became an obsession from the beginning.  Never really had a girlfriend in high school, as I was too shy, and I think my brain had already desensitized me.  Moving on to college.  I went to a very big school in Arizona, the women there were beautiful and dressed like living in Arizona.  I had many opportunities, but again my shyness prevented me from getting anywhere.  The few girls I did get together with never amounted to a relationship--I was emotionally too immature for it.  I transferred to another college in Michigan and discovered massage parlors.  Now I could have them do what I was doing and it was with a woman.  Finally had a girlfriend my 4th year and we had a lot of sex.  At some point though, when the emotions started to flow, I got out of the relationship, because I had programmed myself to always look for the next best thing.  I didn?t value her like she deserved.  This became my pattern.  Every time I met someone, the excitement would diminish a little quicker.  Finally when I met someone, after having sex the first time I didn?t want to see them again.  I could not figure out why.  I was still masturbating 2-3 times a day every day.  I never missed.  Then after college I got work on a cruise ship.  Now I was finding hookers in every country I went to and blew all my money on that.  I was always broke, and was drinking every day.  I met my wife a few years after and thought this was the change I was praying for.  Our relationship was the most special thing I had ever felt and that lasted about 4 years.  Then I started looking for hookers and massage parlors where we lived.  I had so much shame and guilt for this I couldn?t function after doing it if I didn?t tell her.  She was so understanding.  There was never a threat of leaving me.  My addiction took a drastic turn with hi speed internet.  That was when I really got hooked to porn.  I then was on for many hours a day.  I knew it was unhealthy and was preventing me from being sexually available to my wife.  We almost split and after a lot of counseling, decided (from the counselor?s advice to save the marriage) to have an open relationship.  I went out with people and enjoyed it for a while but still couldn?t stop looking at porn.  It finally got to a point where the porn wasn?t enough and I started to look at stuff I would never dream of doing.  Erotic hypnosis became my downfall.  When I discovered that I was lost.  I was brainwashing myself to keep doing it and that was what made my orgasms happen.  I have been stuck in this latest chapter for 10 years now.  My wife of 21 years is still extremely supportive but is not interested in sex.  So the only way I can feel sexual is to see other people--which is not satisfying, or masturbate.  I am here to get the support I need, vent, and hopefully heal myself of this horrific disease.  I hope I haven?t said anything to trigger anyone.  I do welcome all support and ideas. 

Thank You
This is day one for me.
 
Welcome to the group, brother. You'll find that others have struggled with a lot of the same things. Read their experiences, learn from them. And keep sharing yours.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Hello, yes you are right, it is a disease - it slowly eats away at your life and just keeps coming back.
but, luckily for you, you have now found the cure. you can cure yourself and get your life back without a doubt by sticking to this reboot. trust me, it works.
 
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