trumpetman70
New Member
I am 49 and have been masturbating since I was 12. It started with my father?s playboys which I found one fateful day. Whenever I got grounded I would get out my stash I had ?borrowed? from his stash and masturbate. It became an obsession from the beginning. Never really had a girlfriend in high school, as I was too shy, and I think my brain had already desensitized me. Moving on to college. I went to a very big school in Arizona, the women there were beautiful and dressed like living in Arizona. I had many opportunities, but again my shyness prevented me from getting anywhere. The few girls I did get together with never amounted to a relationship--I was emotionally too immature for it. I transferred to another college in Michigan and discovered massage parlors. Now I could have them do what I was doing and it was with a woman. Finally had a girlfriend my 4th year and we had a lot of sex. At some point though, when the emotions started to flow, I got out of the relationship, because I had programmed myself to always look for the next best thing. I didn?t value her like she deserved. This became my pattern. Every time I met someone, the excitement would diminish a little quicker. Finally when I met someone, after having sex the first time I didn?t want to see them again. I could not figure out why. I was still masturbating 2-3 times a day every day. I never missed. Then after college I got work on a cruise ship. Now I was finding hookers in every country I went to and blew all my money on that. I was always broke, and was drinking every day. I met my wife a few years after and thought this was the change I was praying for. Our relationship was the most special thing I had ever felt and that lasted about 4 years. Then I started looking for hookers and massage parlors where we lived. I had so much shame and guilt for this I couldn?t function after doing it if I didn?t tell her. She was so understanding. There was never a threat of leaving me. My addiction took a drastic turn with hi speed internet. That was when I really got hooked to porn. I then was on for many hours a day. I knew it was unhealthy and was preventing me from being sexually available to my wife. We almost split and after a lot of counseling, decided (from the counselor?s advice to save the marriage) to have an open relationship. I went out with people and enjoyed it for a while but still couldn?t stop looking at porn. It finally got to a point where the porn wasn?t enough and I started to look at stuff I would never dream of doing. Erotic hypnosis became my downfall. When I discovered that I was lost. I was brainwashing myself to keep doing it and that was what made my orgasms happen. I have been stuck in this latest chapter for 10 years now. My wife of 21 years is still extremely supportive but is not interested in sex. So the only way I can feel sexual is to see other people--which is not satisfying, or masturbate. I am here to get the support I need, vent, and hopefully heal myself of this horrific disease. I hope I haven?t said anything to trigger anyone. I do welcome all support and ideas.
Thank You
This is day one for me.
Thank You
This is day one for me.