LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Hi Everyone,
I doubt any of you will remember me, but I joined Your Brain Rebalanced (YBR) https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/trying-to-get-a-grip.18047/ and Reboot Nation (RN) http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=96.0 under the name of Cosmo about 6-1/2 years ago. I left after a series of relapses, certain I would never return here again.
What made me decide to come back after all of these years and give it another try? Well, the current health crisis is part of the reason. With so few options to meet with folks in person, joining an online community like this one seems like a no-brainer right now. Also, I guess I feel a little bit nostalgic for the days when I was new to the fight and felt inspired by the many fine people here who offered up their stories, struggles, and words of encouragement. Being part of the YBR and RN communities was such an uplifting experience for me, in fact, that within a few months of posting my first journal entry I reached 63 days porn-free, a record I have not been able to beat since.
In addition to my time on YBR and RN, I spent a year completing the lessons in the Recovery Nation Workshop; joined a porn recovery support group; saw a variety of therapists, including a recovering porn addict turned addiction counselor; went to a handful of 12-step meetings; read countless online articles and books on addiction; listened to dozens of Porn-Free Radio podcasts; tried out a staggering number of porn-blocking filters on my phone and PC; and created a shitload of charts, plans, and schedules to track my progress and keep myself from going off the rails. Yet after all that, here I am again, 6-1/2 years later, with a lifetime record of only 63 days clean.
What gives? Am I just bad at recovery?
For me, the thought that I keep coming back to (and that offers me even the slightest bit of hope) is that no one recovers in exactly the same way. Some people move faster than others through their recovery. Not because they care more, work harder, or dig deeper than the rest of us (although maybe that's true in some cases). But because that's their journey.
And let's be honest. Some of us have never known a different way to live. I was a mere child when I discovered that the JCPenney catalogs that showed up at the front door several times a year were chock full of scantily-clad women, whose allure I couldn't quite fathom but also couldn't resist. A helpless little kid when I found Playboys carelessly thrown in dumpsters and stashed in the storage nooks of my friends' houses. A simple-minded teenager when my attraction to pornography ceased to be an affectionate hobby and turned into a full-blown obsession... Looking back, it's no wonder that it's been so hard for me to quit this addiction. I never had a chance from the start!!!
Nor does everyone have the same underlying issues that feed their addiction. Or the same triggers. Or the same edging or acting-out behaviors. Which brings me back to my original point: No journey to recovery is exactly the same.
Now, I have to admit. After 6-1/2 years and at the ripe old age of 50, the journey is starting to feel a little stale. But hopefully, with your support, I can finally bring this journey around full circle and end it where it started, right here on the pages of my journal.
Thank you sincerely for taking the time to read this. Stay healthy, all!
I doubt any of you will remember me, but I joined Your Brain Rebalanced (YBR) https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/trying-to-get-a-grip.18047/ and Reboot Nation (RN) http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=96.0 under the name of Cosmo about 6-1/2 years ago. I left after a series of relapses, certain I would never return here again.
What made me decide to come back after all of these years and give it another try? Well, the current health crisis is part of the reason. With so few options to meet with folks in person, joining an online community like this one seems like a no-brainer right now. Also, I guess I feel a little bit nostalgic for the days when I was new to the fight and felt inspired by the many fine people here who offered up their stories, struggles, and words of encouragement. Being part of the YBR and RN communities was such an uplifting experience for me, in fact, that within a few months of posting my first journal entry I reached 63 days porn-free, a record I have not been able to beat since.
In addition to my time on YBR and RN, I spent a year completing the lessons in the Recovery Nation Workshop; joined a porn recovery support group; saw a variety of therapists, including a recovering porn addict turned addiction counselor; went to a handful of 12-step meetings; read countless online articles and books on addiction; listened to dozens of Porn-Free Radio podcasts; tried out a staggering number of porn-blocking filters on my phone and PC; and created a shitload of charts, plans, and schedules to track my progress and keep myself from going off the rails. Yet after all that, here I am again, 6-1/2 years later, with a lifetime record of only 63 days clean.
What gives? Am I just bad at recovery?
For me, the thought that I keep coming back to (and that offers me even the slightest bit of hope) is that no one recovers in exactly the same way. Some people move faster than others through their recovery. Not because they care more, work harder, or dig deeper than the rest of us (although maybe that's true in some cases). But because that's their journey.
And let's be honest. Some of us have never known a different way to live. I was a mere child when I discovered that the JCPenney catalogs that showed up at the front door several times a year were chock full of scantily-clad women, whose allure I couldn't quite fathom but also couldn't resist. A helpless little kid when I found Playboys carelessly thrown in dumpsters and stashed in the storage nooks of my friends' houses. A simple-minded teenager when my attraction to pornography ceased to be an affectionate hobby and turned into a full-blown obsession... Looking back, it's no wonder that it's been so hard for me to quit this addiction. I never had a chance from the start!!!
Nor does everyone have the same underlying issues that feed their addiction. Or the same triggers. Or the same edging or acting-out behaviors. Which brings me back to my original point: No journey to recovery is exactly the same.
Now, I have to admit. After 6-1/2 years and at the ripe old age of 50, the journey is starting to feel a little stale. But hopefully, with your support, I can finally bring this journey around full circle and end it where it started, right here on the pages of my journal.
Thank you sincerely for taking the time to read this. Stay healthy, all!