Raven song, I?m so glad you?ve found a therapist who understands and you can trust. I really hope this is going to work out for you both.
I agree with Stillme?s caveat about letting go of your partner?s recovery and focusing on your own healing. We ALL do this in the beginning. I think there?s a tendency to see our partner?s quitting porn a joint project, but in reality it?s his behaviour and his responsibility. In porn and sex addiction there is always a choice. Always. And acting out is a choice. I think we hear too many rationalisations and justifications that take choice out of the picture. For example ?it?s an addiction? as if it?s acting out is a foregone conclusion, and it can?t be prevented. Well, it can because it?s always a choice. If the spouse walks in and interrupts the porn session it?s pretty remarkable how they can stop the behaviour in an instant. They very quickly choose not to use porn. Secondly, we get all this ?nature? stuff, the evolutionary automaton who has to have sex there and then, whenever they feel like it, and if they can?t have sex they must have porn. The human race existed just fine before the internet, before the camera, before the printing presss. But in any case, it?s alway a choice. If there?s anything secretive about the behaviour, that?s a big indicator of choice.
I guess I?m writing this because I feel that the addiction model has served its purpose in my healing. In terms of my relationship recovery, addiction isn?t the key issue. My partner taking responsibility for his own choices is more important.
I?m totally with Stillme on our own healing taking priority. It took time for me to get there but I can?t stress this enough. Often, for partners, it?s a loss of identity and trying to make meaning of our lives, past, present and future, that trips us up in the healing process. We need to rewrite our own story. ?Is what I believed about the past just a redundant fairytale?? Who exactly am I?? And for those of us who changed our names in marriage ?Who does that name belong to? Because I?m not sure I recognise it.? At some point I realised that I had to quit concerning myself with my husband?s behaviour past and present. ?Do I know everything?? (Chances are I don?t) ?is he looking at porn subs?? ?Is he at risk of relapsing?? I can?t control any of this. It?s up to him. I can?t control what he does and I can?t force him to tell me and chances are he never would. You have to ask yourself who you would be if the relationship ended. Even if it doesn?t end, why haven?t you been that person? Chances are, you gave up on a lot of your individuality during the addiction years. Sexually, we want to be the one our partners choose, but we knew on some level we weren?t his choice of sex partner. So in trying to be the chosen one, and then never being chosen, our sexuality evaporates. So what exactly is our sexual identity now? So don?t forget about YOU. A good therapist will help with this, not just the addict?s issues.