Here's a giant text wall of erectile dysfunction word soup that I don't expect anyone to suffer through, lol. I'm just putting it on the internet because writing this in a random file on my computer feels useless. At least SOMEONE might hear my pain. And it'll be a place to post updates and keep myself in check since the public can see this.
I have always had low self esteem and wasn't the most attractive guy in the world. In high school, I liked girls, but none of them liked me back, so I turned to porn and online chatting in the old AOL chat rooms and MSN chat rooms. Very quickly, I developed some fetishes and went on my way, masturbating all the time to orgasm, thinking everything was fine and that if and when I get a girlfriend, I'll 'just have sex with her and then not need porn anymore. Simple.' Riiiight.
Finally, by some absolute miracle or lightning strike or something, I started dating a girl when I was 20 (around 1999). We were off and on, it wasn't a very healthy relationship, but I was attracted to her and we had sex and it was fun and I was able to orgasm with her, but still, I would go home after a session with her and masturbate to porn too, and I would think the porn was 'better.' I would also watch porn on off-days when I wouldn't see her. With porn, I knew EXACTLY what I liked and could immediately go right to it and get off in literally 5 minutes if I needed to. I was in total control. (Not really though, quite the opposite.) With real sex though, it was different. I couldn't just instantly switch to a new girl if something wasn't perfectly working, etc. So after dating off and on for a few years, she was moving out of state and we thought 'hey, we should have sex before you leave,' so we did, and I couldn't orgasm. I felt so defeated, and I think it was porn induced because everything was just 'different,' being with her. With porn, I'm at a chair, with my shirt on, watching scenes, sometimes the same one over and over, using only my hand with a 'death grip,' but with her, I had to take my shirt off, felt self conscious, I was in her bed, in a different position, sometimes standing up naked with an erection, etc. So after I didn't orgasm, I knew I didn't satisfy her either, and my mind started swirling with negative thoughts. 'I'm such a loser. I can't even perform the ONE FUNCTION a man is supposed to do. No wonder she doesn't like you. She's going to have sex with someone else who's going to be 100 times better, etc.' We had sex one more time after that, and again, due to anxiety about the first non-orgasm, I didn't orgasm again, and at this point, it became a full-on obsession. I could not. stop. thinking about this issue. I thought that while porn is ruining me, it's my only option for orgasms now. So I continued to watch porn and chat.
I am shy and awkward, so any time I have sex, it's a monumental event in my life. Anytime I'm remotely near the possibility of having sex, my mind goes into an anxiety-fueled frenzy. Hours beforehand, I'm thinking 'oh god, I'm going to have sex tonight, don't blow it dude, come on, don't be a fuckup.' With masturbating, I NEVER think about it beforehand. I just do it whenever I have an opportunity. I wish I could be that way with real sex. Just be 'in the moment.' So over the years, again, by various miracles, I have had a couple of one night stands, and every time, I'm obsessing about my performance and lack of orgasm far beforehand, and my mind is just a swirling mess and then inevitably, we do start having sex and next thing I know, I'm thinking about my erection, and I just lose it, and become another guy on their list of bad sex experiences.
I had sex in 2011 with a girl from work, and while I was able to maintain an erection, I could not orgasm. So here I am, still, 10 years on from that one actual girlfriend, and this is still on my mind, just getting worse. All this time, I'm still masturbating to porn perfectly fine, and still going into online chat rooms to communicate with real people and discuss my extreme fantasies. Sometimes I would just give up on the idea of ever having healthy sex and I'd just absolutely binge on porn and chatting. Sometimes 5, 6, 7 times a day.
I didn't have sex after 2011. Nothing even remotely on the horizon. Just porn and chatting. Giving up on real life.
Then, suddenly, change happened this year, in 2020. I reconnected with a girl from high school who I am absolutely crazy about and she's crazy about me. I love every single thing about her. We're both empathetic, are very open about communication, we talk about everything, and on top of all of that, I think she is absolutely beautiful. She's cute sometimes and smoking hot other times...She's funny...ah, I've just fallen totally in love for the first time in my life. The only issue is that she lives across the country, so we don't get to physically see each other that often. She wants me to move in with her, so I'm looking for a job out there.
She has had a very healthy, fun, sex life. Before we reconnected, she was in a bad relationship, but was having great sex, and they were doing it every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Then she met me, stopped what she was doing, and got out of that relationship. She knew it wasn't good for her. She loves sex, so part of me feels pressure that now she's waiting for me to come satisfy her.
We talk about sex all the time. And I mean ALL THE TIME. She loves sex so much and is very casual about it. She will just bluntly tell me (or text) 'I wish you were here so we can have sex.' Literally, exactly like that. Or sometimes she'll be like 'I wish you could bring me some lunch, but when you come in, I jump on you to hug you, you put the food on the counter, and we forget about it and you instead carry me to the bedroom, rip my clothes off as fast as possible, and we just have sex instead.' It's crazy to me to think I'm even in this situation. She's so out of my league when it comes to sex. She listens to sexually-explicit music all the time, likes WAP by Cardi B., likes Positions by Ariana Grande, etc. Any sane, heterosexual male would absolutely love this girl, she's awesome when it comes to communicating about sex. We talk about little fetishes and fantasies, things we want to try...everything. She likes to roller skate and doesn't sext me, but sends provocative images and stuff. This is all unprecedented to me and I can't seem to calibrate my mind for this.
I tell her I'd love to be doing all these things, having wild, crazy, fun sex all the time, and really, I would, however, in my head, I start thinking 'oh god, you're going to F this up man, she had a partner that was awesome, and now she's with you? Mr. Loser? You're going to totally F this up.' So, after talking about sex so much, I went to visit her at the end of October and about 5 days out leading up to my visit, I stopped porn completely. I couldn't stop my obsessive thoughts though. On the flight out there, I thought about sex the whole time and how I'm going to mess it up, and sure enough, we had sex while I was out there and it was...BAD. I was flatlining and just not interested physically. In my head, I was so into her, I wanted so bad to just...F her brains out, but I couldn't make my penis do it. My mind would not stop with the anxiety. We cuddled in bed and I would get hard, but then I'd overanalyze everything and think 'omg dude, you're hard, don't lose this,' and of course, thinking about it like that, I lost it. I lasted 30 seconds before I gave up and told her it's' not going to work and then I cried in the bathroom afterwards. I'm not kidding. I literally cried. This is the text I almost sent her from the bathroom (but saved in my notes):
"10/25/2020 10:00 am
I?m a complete fuckup. You don?t even know how many times I tell myself that. It?s like out of a movie or something where someone is just standing in the mirror telling themselves how dumb and stupid and ugly and worthless they are. I?m sorry. I know make it worse by saying this shit and telling you, and I know you said there are things that are better left told to other friends, but I don?t have any other friends, and especially none that I could talk to about my problems like this with. You are my best friend so I don?t have anyone to turn to about shit like this, I?m sorry. I?m trying not to let my mind go into a frenzy thinking about everything, but fuck, this is just really important to me and I can?t help it, it consumes my mind...I?m fucking crying over here dude. I?m so sorry. Fuck man. FUCK!"
She is very supportive, but still, I can't help but feel like a defeated loser whom she's going to make fun of when she eventually just can't deal with it anymore and ditches me for someone else who's amazing in bed.
When I got back home, I decided, stupidly, to 'just check' and see if I was totally broken, and I masturbated to porn 3 times in 2 hours and I had strong erections and reached orgasm every time. One of the times, it only took me about 5 minutes to reach orgasm. It's most definitely not a physical issue. It's all psychological. There was even a time after that where I had literally a 15 minute window to masturbate, I hopped on my laptop, went into a chat room, talked to someone, and went from totally limp to orgasm in no joke, 5 minutes. I know this because I looked at the clock. I also masturbated within a little window of time again while looking at a picture of her and having a porn scene going next to that. I will watch the porn, get involved in this fantasy, then switch to checking her out and including her into the fantasy. I don't know if that's good or bad. Probably bad. I have got to stop the porn, chat fantasies, and the anxiety. With masturbation, I'm in total control as long as I have some stimulus. I can't masturbate without porn or chatting, but when I have those things, I can control everything perfectly and make it last as long as I want or as quick as I want.
So I really suspect this is porn induced with anxiety on top of it. I had a session with a sex therapist today for the first time in my life too. I want to beat this so bad, this new girlfriend means more to me than anything.
I have never been in love in my life and I keep telling myself 'this is it. If it doesn't work with this girl, are you really going to wait 40 more years before finding someone again?' So I get all this pressure and anxiety going. I'm visiting her again in December and I haven't stopped thinking about our last bad sex experience for 10 seconds and I know I'm going to obsess over it for the next month. I'm just so terrified that I'm going to lose her over this. She means everything to me.
Today, November 5, 2020 will mark the day that I last watched porn or chatted. Wonderful things rarely happen for me, and they are ruining one right now as I type this. I appreciate the community here and it's nice to talk about it, but ultimately, it's in my own mind...I have just got to stop these obsessive thoughts somehow. Thanks for reading if you made it through this crap that is my life.
I have always had low self esteem and wasn't the most attractive guy in the world. In high school, I liked girls, but none of them liked me back, so I turned to porn and online chatting in the old AOL chat rooms and MSN chat rooms. Very quickly, I developed some fetishes and went on my way, masturbating all the time to orgasm, thinking everything was fine and that if and when I get a girlfriend, I'll 'just have sex with her and then not need porn anymore. Simple.' Riiiight.
Finally, by some absolute miracle or lightning strike or something, I started dating a girl when I was 20 (around 1999). We were off and on, it wasn't a very healthy relationship, but I was attracted to her and we had sex and it was fun and I was able to orgasm with her, but still, I would go home after a session with her and masturbate to porn too, and I would think the porn was 'better.' I would also watch porn on off-days when I wouldn't see her. With porn, I knew EXACTLY what I liked and could immediately go right to it and get off in literally 5 minutes if I needed to. I was in total control. (Not really though, quite the opposite.) With real sex though, it was different. I couldn't just instantly switch to a new girl if something wasn't perfectly working, etc. So after dating off and on for a few years, she was moving out of state and we thought 'hey, we should have sex before you leave,' so we did, and I couldn't orgasm. I felt so defeated, and I think it was porn induced because everything was just 'different,' being with her. With porn, I'm at a chair, with my shirt on, watching scenes, sometimes the same one over and over, using only my hand with a 'death grip,' but with her, I had to take my shirt off, felt self conscious, I was in her bed, in a different position, sometimes standing up naked with an erection, etc. So after I didn't orgasm, I knew I didn't satisfy her either, and my mind started swirling with negative thoughts. 'I'm such a loser. I can't even perform the ONE FUNCTION a man is supposed to do. No wonder she doesn't like you. She's going to have sex with someone else who's going to be 100 times better, etc.' We had sex one more time after that, and again, due to anxiety about the first non-orgasm, I didn't orgasm again, and at this point, it became a full-on obsession. I could not. stop. thinking about this issue. I thought that while porn is ruining me, it's my only option for orgasms now. So I continued to watch porn and chat.
I am shy and awkward, so any time I have sex, it's a monumental event in my life. Anytime I'm remotely near the possibility of having sex, my mind goes into an anxiety-fueled frenzy. Hours beforehand, I'm thinking 'oh god, I'm going to have sex tonight, don't blow it dude, come on, don't be a fuckup.' With masturbating, I NEVER think about it beforehand. I just do it whenever I have an opportunity. I wish I could be that way with real sex. Just be 'in the moment.' So over the years, again, by various miracles, I have had a couple of one night stands, and every time, I'm obsessing about my performance and lack of orgasm far beforehand, and my mind is just a swirling mess and then inevitably, we do start having sex and next thing I know, I'm thinking about my erection, and I just lose it, and become another guy on their list of bad sex experiences.
I had sex in 2011 with a girl from work, and while I was able to maintain an erection, I could not orgasm. So here I am, still, 10 years on from that one actual girlfriend, and this is still on my mind, just getting worse. All this time, I'm still masturbating to porn perfectly fine, and still going into online chat rooms to communicate with real people and discuss my extreme fantasies. Sometimes I would just give up on the idea of ever having healthy sex and I'd just absolutely binge on porn and chatting. Sometimes 5, 6, 7 times a day.
I didn't have sex after 2011. Nothing even remotely on the horizon. Just porn and chatting. Giving up on real life.
Then, suddenly, change happened this year, in 2020. I reconnected with a girl from high school who I am absolutely crazy about and she's crazy about me. I love every single thing about her. We're both empathetic, are very open about communication, we talk about everything, and on top of all of that, I think she is absolutely beautiful. She's cute sometimes and smoking hot other times...She's funny...ah, I've just fallen totally in love for the first time in my life. The only issue is that she lives across the country, so we don't get to physically see each other that often. She wants me to move in with her, so I'm looking for a job out there.
She has had a very healthy, fun, sex life. Before we reconnected, she was in a bad relationship, but was having great sex, and they were doing it every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Then she met me, stopped what she was doing, and got out of that relationship. She knew it wasn't good for her. She loves sex, so part of me feels pressure that now she's waiting for me to come satisfy her.
We talk about sex all the time. And I mean ALL THE TIME. She loves sex so much and is very casual about it. She will just bluntly tell me (or text) 'I wish you were here so we can have sex.' Literally, exactly like that. Or sometimes she'll be like 'I wish you could bring me some lunch, but when you come in, I jump on you to hug you, you put the food on the counter, and we forget about it and you instead carry me to the bedroom, rip my clothes off as fast as possible, and we just have sex instead.' It's crazy to me to think I'm even in this situation. She's so out of my league when it comes to sex. She listens to sexually-explicit music all the time, likes WAP by Cardi B., likes Positions by Ariana Grande, etc. Any sane, heterosexual male would absolutely love this girl, she's awesome when it comes to communicating about sex. We talk about little fetishes and fantasies, things we want to try...everything. She likes to roller skate and doesn't sext me, but sends provocative images and stuff. This is all unprecedented to me and I can't seem to calibrate my mind for this.
I tell her I'd love to be doing all these things, having wild, crazy, fun sex all the time, and really, I would, however, in my head, I start thinking 'oh god, you're going to F this up man, she had a partner that was awesome, and now she's with you? Mr. Loser? You're going to totally F this up.' So, after talking about sex so much, I went to visit her at the end of October and about 5 days out leading up to my visit, I stopped porn completely. I couldn't stop my obsessive thoughts though. On the flight out there, I thought about sex the whole time and how I'm going to mess it up, and sure enough, we had sex while I was out there and it was...BAD. I was flatlining and just not interested physically. In my head, I was so into her, I wanted so bad to just...F her brains out, but I couldn't make my penis do it. My mind would not stop with the anxiety. We cuddled in bed and I would get hard, but then I'd overanalyze everything and think 'omg dude, you're hard, don't lose this,' and of course, thinking about it like that, I lost it. I lasted 30 seconds before I gave up and told her it's' not going to work and then I cried in the bathroom afterwards. I'm not kidding. I literally cried. This is the text I almost sent her from the bathroom (but saved in my notes):
"10/25/2020 10:00 am
I?m a complete fuckup. You don?t even know how many times I tell myself that. It?s like out of a movie or something where someone is just standing in the mirror telling themselves how dumb and stupid and ugly and worthless they are. I?m sorry. I know make it worse by saying this shit and telling you, and I know you said there are things that are better left told to other friends, but I don?t have any other friends, and especially none that I could talk to about my problems like this with. You are my best friend so I don?t have anyone to turn to about shit like this, I?m sorry. I?m trying not to let my mind go into a frenzy thinking about everything, but fuck, this is just really important to me and I can?t help it, it consumes my mind...I?m fucking crying over here dude. I?m so sorry. Fuck man. FUCK!"
She is very supportive, but still, I can't help but feel like a defeated loser whom she's going to make fun of when she eventually just can't deal with it anymore and ditches me for someone else who's amazing in bed.
When I got back home, I decided, stupidly, to 'just check' and see if I was totally broken, and I masturbated to porn 3 times in 2 hours and I had strong erections and reached orgasm every time. One of the times, it only took me about 5 minutes to reach orgasm. It's most definitely not a physical issue. It's all psychological. There was even a time after that where I had literally a 15 minute window to masturbate, I hopped on my laptop, went into a chat room, talked to someone, and went from totally limp to orgasm in no joke, 5 minutes. I know this because I looked at the clock. I also masturbated within a little window of time again while looking at a picture of her and having a porn scene going next to that. I will watch the porn, get involved in this fantasy, then switch to checking her out and including her into the fantasy. I don't know if that's good or bad. Probably bad. I have got to stop the porn, chat fantasies, and the anxiety. With masturbation, I'm in total control as long as I have some stimulus. I can't masturbate without porn or chatting, but when I have those things, I can control everything perfectly and make it last as long as I want or as quick as I want.
So I really suspect this is porn induced with anxiety on top of it. I had a session with a sex therapist today for the first time in my life too. I want to beat this so bad, this new girlfriend means more to me than anything.
I have never been in love in my life and I keep telling myself 'this is it. If it doesn't work with this girl, are you really going to wait 40 more years before finding someone again?' So I get all this pressure and anxiety going. I'm visiting her again in December and I haven't stopped thinking about our last bad sex experience for 10 seconds and I know I'm going to obsess over it for the next month. I'm just so terrified that I'm going to lose her over this. She means everything to me.
Today, November 5, 2020 will mark the day that I last watched porn or chatted. Wonderful things rarely happen for me, and they are ruining one right now as I type this. I appreciate the community here and it's nice to talk about it, but ultimately, it's in my own mind...I have just got to stop these obsessive thoughts somehow. Thanks for reading if you made it through this crap that is my life.