Second attempt at rebooting

Hey guys,
                  Where do I begin?, well, I guess the beginning would be the best place. So, I tried to reboot back in 2018, I guess I wasn't ready or something, but I failed miserably. Then I got seriously ill, was in hospital for 2 months, diagnosed with COPD, and was on oxygen 24/7. I'm also a type 2 diabetic (insulin dependent ), so anyway, I was bedridden because I had fallen and broken my hip. While in hospital, I caught hospital acquired pneumonia and my condition deteriorated. Despite the best efforts of a caring and diligent nursing staff, I continued to go downhill until one morning my consultant came into my room and told me that my X rays had shown that my lungs were infected with pulmonary fibrosis. They were so bad that all they could do for me was keep me comfortable until the inevitable happened. I asked to go home as I wanted to die with my own things around me. They fast tracked me home and I was wheeled from the ambulance into my lounge and into a hospital bed and connected me up to an oxygen tank, again 24/7. I had 4 carers coming in each day, and marie curie nurses coming in at night 3 times a week to allow my wife to get some sleep. I had been in bed so long, 2 months in hospital, 2 months at home, that I had to learn to walk again due to severe muscular atrophy in my legs. My overall weight had fallen to under 7 stone. Today I'm still on end of life care, I don't know how long God will decide to give me, but I'm enjoying watching my grandkids grow up, and I want to meet my maker sober and living right, thanks for listening guys, I'm back.ko!

I forgot to mention that I began to get ill in 2016, and gradually got worse over time, I now drive a mobility scooter to get around. I'm thinking of getting go faster stripes painted on it....whaddya think guys????.

I first discovered masturbation about the age of 11, my mother had gone to visit some friends and the girl two doors away had agreed to babysit me. She was 16, and I thought she was very pretty. It was the mid sixties and stockings were still the normal wear for women before the arrival of tights, ( which I still think was the worst invention man ever came up with ). It was also the era of the mini skirt, anyway, my babysitter chose that moment to switch on the television, ( no colour in those days lol! ), and as she bent to click the knob on the set, I could see up her skirt and saw her panties, they were white and hugged her bottom, and left little to the imagination. I felt a sensation I'd never felt before in my trousers, I didn't know what it was, but I knew I liked it. Anyway to cut a long story short, she must have caught me looking and asked me if I'd been looking up her skirt, I said no, but I was blushing so much she knew that I was lying. She asked if I'd like to have a good look and of course I said yes, ( who wouldn't? ), and she opened her legs so that I could see right up her skirt to her white panties, and that started my life long affair with womens undergarments. I don't want to get too graphic in case I might trigger someone, but if I say used panties, sniffing and masturbating, you should get the idea. I've been addicted, ( though I didn't know it was an addiction until many years later ), for 50 years to porn, first in magazines then I discovered the internet, it's been almost daily watching since I did. Sorry if I offended anybody, that wasn't my intention, but I would like to hear your thoughts guys. Thanks for reading.

Hi Jethro-thanks for sharing your encouraging story of your decision to restart the battle.  Being clean will likely provide both a mental and physical health boost!  Keep going and stay with it.  I saw that you referenced the Psalms in another post -strongly recommend that you keep the daily devotions going.  He is merciful-best wishes to you friend! 

Hi Jethro. Been seeing your posts around the forum, welcome.

I second what jixu says about daily spiritual disciplines. I saw you post elsewhere about your health issues, and how it will be to 'meet your Maker'.

As jixu said, God is merciful. Shame drives these bad habits, but grace frees us to be who we were created to be.

Think of it, sir, God has already forgiven you of all your sins, from way back, today and even future sins. This doesn't free us up to sin, but instead it gives us grace to change.

Deep down, you know it's not too late to change, or else you wouldn't be here.

Blessings to you.

Hi Jixu and Phineas,

      Thank you so much for your replies, you have no idea how much my spirits were lifted by your kind words, and indeed, by you taking the time out of your day to send me a message. You mentioned my illnesses and the fact that I have a deep faith in God, and that is true. It seems strange that a man of my deep belief should also be an addict, and I have often pondered over the years the same question,.......why?. God did not create me to be this way, to live this way,......so why have I spent three quarters of my life wandering around in the darkness in the filth and corruption of pornography?. The answer, to me at any rate, is because when He made us, God also gave us the power of free will,.......in other words, .......choice. My addiction is what I call invisible, nobody knows that I have it; I don't walk around with " porn addict ", tattooed on my forehead. With regards to other addictions, alcoholism, drugs, etc:, there are visible signs to show the outside world, in other words, people notice. Addiction to porn is like cancer, and really that's what it is,....a type of cancer; it's silent, it's insidious, and it devours you from the inside out, and, as I have discovered over many years, and, being the type of illness and addiction that it is, it tries to convince you that you don't have it. It's only when the addict is on his knees, bereft of all hope, stricken with grief, that the addict realizes how utterly trapped he is. When he is crippled with shame, guilt and self loathing does he throw in the towel and ask for help. There is a huge difference between believing in God and relying on Him as I have discovered over time. When you ask someone, ( God, anyone ), for something, surely it makes sense to hang around and wait for their answer, otherwise how will you know if they've said yes or no?.

Anyway, sermon over for today lol!. I am still clean and sober so I must be doing something right, take care and know that you are both in my prayers,

    Be blessed my friends
                  Jethro.